Coping with Xmas Day - help please

DFlights

I would help with the washing up, but they prefer to have it left until very late or the next day, and as dinner's usually a few hours late, we may not have time to wash up before leaving for home. Hm that walk is looking nicer, might take my sketchbook and camera and say I'm gathering reference pictures.

Gigglepig

If they are overbearing perhaps they are just rude but it could also be that they like to feel needed. It might be sad for them that you have no time or use for them. Does your MIL knit/crochet etc - bring a project she can help you with, even if it is just a scarf? Is there any area of life where they excel, where you would enjoy asking MIL or FIL to talk about their experiences or ask for for advice? They might surprise you.

Conversely, can you help them with something- for example something high tech /new that may be harder for them as an older generation? For example find friends online, skype distant relatives etc.

Nicki

Rather than arriving on the day and offering to help with lunch, and announcing your planned leaving time, have you tried speaking to them in advance?

If you spoke to his mum this weekend and said: "I'm really looking forward to seeing you on Christmas Day. We'll be arriving at [time] and [please leave the veg prep to me and OH/we'll bring Chistmas pudding this year/insert option of your choice]. We'll need to be home by x at the latest because we can't leave the cats for too long, but perhaps I can make a start on the washing up when the Queen's on because as you know that's not my really sort of thing" you might shift her expectations of how the day is going to be, and give her time to plan things to suit you. To be honest, Christmas dinner for a large group takes as long as it takes to cook a turkey, and if a guest arrived at my house on the day and wanted lunch 2 hours earlier than I had planned it for, it just wouldn't be possible to accommodate as I cook the bird on the day, but it would make me feel quite stressed to be asked. I also wouldn't really fancy getting up at silly o'clock to put the turkey in the oven for a really early lunch either if as a family we'd always eaten late. (In our house we aim to eat around 1.30 on Christmas Day, and that time doesn't usually alter by more than 15 mins or so on the day).

Personally if you are only going for part of the day, I'd think it was really rude of you to read a book or sketch rather than join in with the conversation or play a board game if that's what the rest of the family were doing. OK if you are there for a few days or a week but most people can manage to be sociable with their partner's family for a few hours at a stretch a few times a year surely? Same thing with deliberately flouting their dress code. Why jeans if you know this will offend? They won't be warmer than a slightly smarter pair of trousers with the same jumper on.

Abbafan1972

I hope it goes well OP. I couldn't stand leaving late, especially if you have quite a distance to travel.

We have our christmas dinner about 2pm. Never watch the queen's speech, hate it.

I prefer to stay at home at Christmas (We are not in contact with OH's family), but when we go to my parents', I don't look forward to it because certain things my Mom does just annoy me.

The one year when the kids were really young, dinner was more than an hour late and the kids were crying because they were so hungry.

The dining table is in an awkward place in the kitchen, OH always gets seated in the one which blocks the kitchen door, after OH has sat down my Mom will still want to come and go, which means OH has to keep getting up.

I like cranberry sauce with my turkey, but last year my Mom only had an open jar that had been in the cupboard for months and was starting to grow fur.

We normally have a glass of wine with dinner, OH drives and my Mom will usually say to him "you don't want a drink do you, as you're driving" but she won't offer him anything else, such as a glass of pop.

She will quite often offer advice about cooking the turkey, but she can't do it right herself. (I'm surprised we never got food poisoning last year as it was not cooked properly and was pink in places).

2 years ago she gave us a tub of goose fat for the potatoes, but we hate it, so it ended up in the bin!

My Mom will usually ask my OH to carve the Turkey, while my Dad sits there doing nothing. Shouldn't it be him doing it?

They are coming to us this year, and she's already started dictating what to have. They want fresh sprouts, so we're having to cook 2 lots as we prefer frozen ones. Also banging on about Christmas puddings but we don't like them, I said she's welcome to bring her own if she wants.

Rant over!

pinkteapot

OK. I'm an introvert and selfish by nature and also find my in-laws hard work. So I fully sympathise.

But.

What you've said so far is that they like to get dressed up once a year for Christmas dinner, they like a traditional day and watching the Queen (which is on for ten minutes!), and now you're annoyed that they tried to be chatty on the phone.

Honestly, they could be so much worse! The fact they have different religious and political views to you isn't grounds for complaint either. Everyone's entitled to their opinion, no matter how vehemently you disagree.

I think your OH could help. Agree a departure time and be clear that he is in charge of announcing that you're leaving and sticking to it. I'm guessing you're like me and don't like sitting there not knowing how much longer it'll be.

That aside though, you really do need to just force yourself through it. It's not much of your time to give up and it's just something you do for your OH.

FatVonD

You could tell them (in advance) that your boss has invited you to a surprise Christmas party at their house for 8pm and you need to be there on time in order not to spoil the 'surprise'.

I feel for you, OP, I'm not doing what I'd prefer to do either and said to DH in the car yesterday, 'thank God we have to have the kids back to their mum's for 7pm so we don't have to stay all evening' and then he told me that we don't have to any more and *apparently* he told me this ages ago (he didn't.)

Disclaimer: This is not a complaint about spending time with his kids, I'd be happy to spend all weekend with them but they were our excuse to leave the inlaws early. I just don't want to spend any more time than is necessary with an old man that wrote me a poison pen letter recently calling me a bully amongst other things.

purpleshoes_2

You dont sound self centered at all as far as Im concerned. I have stress free christmas days and to me that's important.

enthusiasticsaver

Ah Christmas and families, the cause of more rows than money!! This year we have my mum and stepdad with us on Christmas day at my daughter's and son in laws and then with us for Boxing Day. My mum is fine but I can only take my step dad in small doses, the whole family agree with this so we have coping mechanisms and luckily we are picking them up and dropping them off so they have to fit in with our timetable.


My advice would be to go into the day with the mindset that it is only one day, they are older and probably a little bit set in their ways and just resolve to not be the same with your kids, if you have them in years to come. Flexibility is always the key to a happy day I always think so if you have offered help and they refuse it then sit down and enjoy the rest. Have a big breakfast so it does not matter if lunch is late and pre agree a time with OH to leave and make excuse like getting back to feed the cats or something. If they insist on watching the Queens Speech, (really who does that any more??), then say you fancy a breath of fresh air and go out for a walk. Games, a bit of small talk and appreciate the lunch they have cooked for you and think to yourself there is always Boxing Day for you to have the peace and quiet at home you crave.


Hope it goes ok.

Money_maker

ognum wrote: »

Frankly it's just one day every other year that you 'give' to your in laws, does it really have to be so hard.

They are older than you and will probably die before you and you will then have the opportunity to do as you please.

I would have thought that for the sake of your partner you could shut up and put up for one day. It will pass and you can go back to doing exactly what you please when you please!

I couldn't agree more with this post. I go to the outlaws every year and could write a list as long as your arm about how bored I am/absolutely fed up with bone idle SIL/prefer my own version of Christmas dinner and so on and so on.

But Ognum is so right. After all its only 1 day out of 365.

clark24

There is far too much pressure at Xmas, too many people have to force themselves into doing things that ultimately make them miserable. I'm all for being a bit flexible but it's a shame there are so many people dreading Xmas because they are being emotionally blackmailed into spending the days doing things they don't want to do.