Coping with Xmas Day - help please

DFlights

Hi all, hope you can offer some practical advice.

Partner and I have tried to do the Xmas day in turns; eg, one year we have a quiet one together, the next year we go to his parents' house (I don't have contact with my family).

Well, this year we're going to his parents, and I'm already not looking forward to it!

I'm going to have to drive OH there and back, so no drinking for me. I'm not a big drinker, but a glass or two of wine would have helped calm the nerves.
OH's mum gets incredibly stressed about everything being her version of perfect on the day - full roast dinner, stupid paper hats, queen's speech (apart from the dinner, I don't really like any of that and just go along with it to keep the peace, although I really hate the queen's speech and usually just disappear outside or to the loo when it's on). Trouble is, OH's mum will not accept help and gets so stressed that it has a bad effect on everyone else there.

She also likes everything very formal - we have to dress up for Xmas dinner. This year, I've decided I'm wearing jeans and a warm top (their house is always cold) and that's that. I don't like the formality, I really don't want to do any of this anyway and would rather stay at home with a bottle of bourbon and the old films on the telly. I'm quite happy to drop OH at his parents, spend an hour or so, then drive myself back to that bottle of bourbon and let them get on with it, leaving him to stay over. This makes me pathetic and weird and to be pitied. Hm. So they're not having it, I have to go do the dinner thing with them.

I know it sounds miserable and ungrateful, but it's not a time of year I'm all that bothered by and, as an atheist, (OH is too), I don't fancy yet another speech from his mum about how the country's going to pot because nobody goes to church anymore, about all sorts of other political rants that I will biting my tongue to, and getting stressed out without even the comfort of a glass of wine/bottle of beer, and another worry is how late I'll be allowed to get back home - it won't be a time of my choosing. I'd like to be back home before a certain time, but knowing how utterly dreadful his parents' timing is, dinner won't be until the evening even if it is scheduled for lunchtime, and then the presents have to be unwrapped after dinner, never before, so that's more time.

I don't know, I just don't really want to do this and it's hard not to sound like a Scrooge, but this year, I just don't want the faux formality, stupid paper hats that we have to wear, in fact everything has to be done his mum's way or she takes it personally. She's very inflexible. I'm already in trouble for refusing to go to a family wedding on New Year's Day! I really had to struggle to get across that that is not my idea of fun and though I'm grateful for the invitation, I don't feel that New Year's Day is a day I want to be spending driving for hours and attending a wedding of people I hardly really know.

So - anyone have any coping mechanisms they've found successful for these situations? And how can I be sure that we get to go home when I'd prefer, rather than waiting around?

I do get on with OH's parents, really I do, but they're from a different generation and not terribly liberal in their outlook, so very different to my values, and I feel very uncomfortable when they start going on about Christianity, how strange I am for not being all that bothered, etc.

Not going is now not an option, I just want to be sure we can withdraw at a time I feel suitable (don't want to be driving in the pitch black to get home), and do so without causing vast amounts of offence (which may be taken anyway). I also want to be relaxed and enjoy their company, but they're always so wound up on Xmas day and won't consider changing the way they do things (like opening the presents before dinner - apparently my family was odd for "allowing" me, as a child, to open my presents first thing!)

Already a bit worried about it.

Next year, I'm staying in our own house and doing our own dinner, hopefully just the two of us!

gettingtheresometime

You could always invite them to yours -and offer them an alternative view of Christmas Day!

pinkshoes

Another vote for just inviting them to yours.

Just go along with it - it makes them happy and you can get hideously drunk when you get home.

When we went to DHs parents last year, as it is HIS parents, then he has to drive.

Ohhh, you could get him to drive, get hideously drunk, dance naked on the table, and they will never invite you again?

DFlights

We have done that, unfortunately for them there's no room for them to stay over, but when it happened, I think they were upset that they didn't get to do all the things that they wanted! I think they'd be genuinely horrified if I ever dared to serve up anything other than a roast!

It's been a rough year and I just want a quiet one this year, but I have to just do this. I'm not terribly sociable at the best of times, and don't do the whole family get together thing as I don't understand why on earth I'd want to be around people just because they're related in some way to me (my family were horrible), and I guess OH's parents don't get that. Then again, I never told them the half of what my parents did to me as I don't like raking it up.

DFlights

Oh Pinkshoes, love that idea! But, OH doesn't drive and rural areas mean not a chance of public transport on the day! Taxis would be way too expensive.

Gigglepig

It is only one day, and when you visit someone's house for a party the dress code, menu and entertainment is up to them. Next year perhaps you and OH can invite both sets of parents, or be on your own, and throw a party your way?

I don't think you need to agree with them and if they attack you i think you should be free to also state your views, but isn't it a bit stroppy and unkind to complain about such small stuff, that their party is too formal and they like wearing hats? As far as inlaws go, it could be considerably worse...


Regarding coping mechanism I would try to be less self centred.... consider if it makes them happy and/or your OH happy - that may make it nice and meaningful even if it isn't all exactly as you would have chosen?

Eta - i would try to agree with oh in advance that he will put a stop to any conversation topocs that make you uncomfortable, such as religion. And also agree in advance when you will be leaving. But again, there are 3 other people who may have an opinion about when the party ends, so you may need to be a bit flexible.

pinkteapot

Inevitable part of being a couple - having to occasionally socialise with people or doing things that aren't really you. For me it's hubby's work Christmas party. Small talk with people I see once a year. Painful.

Personally, I think you need to suck it up and do their thing. You've agreed to go so it's too late now. Dress up a bit if that's what they want. You can be dressy but warm. I do think that if you're going to theirs and they're set in their ways then you should do their thing.

You're not that bothered about Christmas yourself so it's just a day of being polite and doing something for your OH.

If you can't face it again, tell him you won't go in future years. But it's far too late to complain this year.

All you can do is bite your tongue and zone out a bit when they're not looking.

DFlights

Yes, think I'll have to. Just one more day, I think next year going to stay home. I know I'm self-centred, I generally try to minimise this by not being around other people and attending events that make me uncomfortable to the point of wanting to bolt out the nearest door. OH is understanding, his parents wind him up too, although he handles it better - more practice!
His works do, thankfully, disallows partners and family as they won't pay for them and don't want them there.

Oakie

Some things we just have to grin and bear I guess.
Maybe have a chat with your OH before hand.Maybe he can help steer conversations about politics etc to another direction.
Offer to do the washing up when the Queen's speech.
It may just be that your MIL stress is because she knows you don't enjoy their company ,and she is trying to please you.
Any way its just one day,all the best.

Tixy

I would wear what you want (within reason!). And perhaps say that as you are not interested in the Queens speech you will go for a walk whilst they watch it.
Which will give you some space and save you hearing all about it (perhaps make it an hour long walk!)

Does OH understand how you feel and know that you struggle?
If so then can you both agree a time that you are going to leave and when you arrive say that you need to leave by x o'clock (and stick to even if presents are not all opened by then).
If you have any pets then they could be a good excuse as to why you have to leave at a set time, otherwise you could just say that you don't want to drive in the dark and/or want to get home so that you too can have a drink or 2 on the day.

CRANKY40

Have a glass of wine before you go and make him drive there. It doesn't matter if it's early, it's medicinal. By the time you've had dinner and several hours have passed you will be fine to drive home. I'd give your OH a time that you're leaving too. Have an excuse...."Oh my goodness, I've forgotten to bring my medication and I have to take it on time" and leave when you've told him you will. He can stay and get himself home or go with you. Either way you will definitely know when you are leaving.

You can spend the time between now and then thinking up a better excuse than mine to need to go home on time instead of fretting about having to go, Good luck,