my 14yr old granddaughter has moved in

Mojisola

summerof0763 wrote: »

I have asked daughter to come through and talk to her I would go to another room, but she is not taking me up on offer instead chooses to shout down the phone at granddaughter, great way to try getting her home

Caroline_a wrote: »

If you were my mother or mother-in-law I would expect you to back me up when my daughter went against my wishes. Instead, you are positively encouraging the granddaughter to stay with you.

Sometimes I think I'm reading a different thread to other posters.

duchy

You probably are
Everyone is seeing different things because they have stood on differing sides of the triangle. Daughter -stroppy teen pushing limits -or hard done by child, Mum -uncaring mother or Mum at the end of her rope with teen (and 3 other kids to cope with too) Granny - Undermining family member or daughter's saviour . Truth is it isn't that black and white and the situation will only be resolved with communication and starting to see the other's viewpoints. Usually it's the adults who'd be instigating this.

No-one is 100% right and no-one (stepdad maybe)has the sense to get the three into one room together and insist they talk rather than send texts !

summerof0763

Caroline a I actually had a good relationship with my daughter, I have tried countless things to get daughter to come through and talk with granddaughter please if you are going to comment on my pist, could you please read the whole story instead of bits of it, then jumping down my throat, like I say I would orefer people to try help me instead of saying that am not helping as am doing everything i can m

duchy

I don't think anyone here CAN help you - you need someone who can persuade them to stop digging their heels in. Maybe you should be talking to the step dad ?

One thing that struck me is you've gone on about what a nightmare your daughter was at fourteen -is she reacting the way she is because she is afraid that if she isn't strict with her that she will go off the rails the same way she did? She may be seeing herself at that age in her daughter in some ways (whether it is there or not)?

TBagpuss

I think it would be helpful if you were to talk to Social Services. They may be able to assist with mediation between you, your daughter and her partner, and your grand-daughter.

If your GD is to live with you longer term then you can apply to have the child benefit transferred to you and may also be able to ask for some maintenance from her parents.

It sounds as though your grand-daughter may benefit from having someone outside the family who she can speak to - ask Social Services whether they have any kind for mentoring programme, and whether she would be eligible.

summerof0763

Tbagpuss I think I am going to have to involve ss as like I say it seems like the only way I am going to get some independant help.
And duchy why should I not send txts? And why should it be step dad am talking too?

duchy

Because he may give you some insight into why his wife is reacting the way she is.....as well as the child he has known for the last 11 years. If you involve Social Services he will be one of the people they will want involved anyway.

As for why shouldn't you send texts.....texts are for trivial messages not for full scale communication about issues that will impact on a child,s future. I didn't say just you shouldn't be relying on texts though. I said all of you should be talking rather than texting. Text are notorious for getting taken the wrong way when emotions are involved.

supermassive

I think it'd be interesting for people to re-read this thread and look at how absolutely disgusting some of the comments are.

This woman is a grandmother on disability with no car and not much money. She's taken in her grand daughter who's having countless troubles at home, which are only being made worse by her mother's wild accusations, presumably verbally-aggressive behaviour and acting like a brat.

These are the facts we've been told. Grand daughter hasn't done anything wrong and grand mother hasn't got the means to control either of them in terms of bringing them together, and has done all she can within logical constraints.

This young girl's mother should be ashamed of herself. The child is clearly better off without her from the behaviour she's shown in this situation. If she's not intelligent enough to know what to do as a parent in this situation, or is too lazy, then she shouldn't be a parent.

summerof0763

I think I would be happy for ss to be involved as like I say I have done everything I can think of to bring them together again but quite frankly am now at stage of being so upset over it all.like I say I love my daughter dearly but when she gets in a mood with you she can be very vindictive.
When I last spoke to her about coming through I got "oh of course I should run around after you because the world revolvesround you and granddaughter"
And duchy am deaf hence txting.I have got to the stage of wanting to cry I hate all this mess

Carmina-Piranha_2

Are school aware of what's going on, and have they tried to mediate? They could set up a meeting where your daughter and grand daughter could talk face to face.

Or could you get the bus, etc. to your daughter's house with the grand daughter so they can talk?