my 14yr old granddaughter has moved in

fivetide

Just sounds to me like an episode of Jeremy Kyle at the moment. Lots of shouting and no actual talking or listening.


Sounds like Mum needs to calm down, stop accusing her daughter without evidence and stop shouting down the phone instead of having a calm conversation.


Sounds like Gran needs to keep encouraging reconciliation and see both sides of the story (which it does seem she is trying to do although more could be done - see below).


Sounds like the daughter needs to work on what the issue really is and be subject to a bit more sensible discipline such as a proper curfew. Good chance to do it if she is to stay with Gran. "My house my rules"


How is she doing at school? Does she get her work done? That would be critical for me. Also, stepdad - how long has he been around? How old are the other kids? At the moment it might well be the daughter is just being a teenager and saying whatever gran wants to hear to keep staying.


In summary a conversation, sensible one, where everyone talks not shouts and actually listens to each other seems the best course of action.

summerof0763

Stepdad been around since granddaughter was 3 half other kids are 8, 4, 1 mum and daughter get on normally and yes have there fall outs but nothing like this one, I just wish daughter would come through and talk to granddaughter.
Granddaughter doing really well at school always been a hard worker.she has been helping while she is here its not a holiday camp, she knows that she has to muck in just same as she does at home.
I would love nothing more than to have her back home before christmas, but if I can't get my daughter to come through I can't see it happening.

RAS

Have you talked to school about the situation?

duchy

If you really want them to talk then tell your granddaughter to go home and sort things out with her Mother.

They've had their breathing space - now it is time to sort it out.
Yes she won't like it......and may shout at you too for not taking "her side" but sometimes we have to do things that are unpalatable to make sure things are put right.

Tough love is the hardest but deep down you know your daughter and granddaughter are both trying to outstubborn each other and someone needs to end this.

Most teens with younger siblings (step has nothing to do with it) sometimes feel the younger ones get more attention and they are supposed to be the responsible and sensible ones. Teendom with the one minute wanting to be grown up and the next wanting to be a child is a tough time for many . You know her father so know whether he really is leaving her out or if it is just the younger ones need more attention/actually want Dad to play with them still. Like I have said it's about perceptions - Look deep -is she really ignored or is it just the sibling thing going on. Just because she thinks it is true doesn't mean it is the reality - but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt her feelings even if it's not.
(I think this is where the comments about not taking you GD's perceptions as gospel come from). Throw in a few hormones and you have a three act drama in progress.

At home she has to compete with three other siblings for attention - at yours she has your undivided attention. Of course she'd rather be at yours and having her for overnights so she feels special is wonderful but not fulltime -she has parents and siblings she should be with.

supermassive

duchy wrote: »

So she had school clothes to go to school in - and you went out and bought MORE ?

I'm sorry but if it was a couple of days to cool off then the uniform can be washed overnight. You had no need to buy more.

You may not agree with your daughter's marriage but that is no reason to undermine their family unit. To then expect the state to support you financially in your efforts to alienate your grandaughter from her family unit is unbelievable. All fourteen year olds think their parents are unreasonable and don't understand how mature they really are.

I've worked with this age group - They will often tell you how something happened -and it's only when you dig you discover the telling has totally omitted something that changes the story- Not because they are deliberately lying but because they are seeing it as the child they are and miss the relevance (like in this instance why Mum told her to come home-it seems unlikely there was no reason for Mum to change her mind.

No-one is forcing you to have your granddaughter to stay with you. If you were to tell her she needed to go home - you know she'd go. To grumble that neither Mum or the state are prepared to fund you in keeping her with you when she has a home where there is no suggestion of neglect or cruelty but simply the usual teenage drama is simply ridiculous .

As an adult you should be talking to your daughter and showing your granddaughter how adults sort out conflict by example .

I'm sorry if this upsets you - but frankly if you aren't part of the solution then you are part of the problem fits this whole sorry mess.

As for your childish comments about your disability - no-one has mentioned it -the only mention is of benefits you think you should be able to claim for your granddaughter -and as the parent of a son with a disability playing the disabled card doesn't work with me- sorry !

As for "I'd never see her on the street" why would she be on the street- she has a home with her mother.......so that is just pure drama lama-ness.

I hope you're playing devil's advocate, because there's literally nothing been said by op to suggest that the granddaughter is a problem child or anything of that persuasion, but that the mother has been going absolutely mental at this kid for very little reason.

I think you need to get a bit of a grip on reality, you're making assumptions based on guesswork.

IMO the mother sounds awful & at 14, with hormones and such like, the granddaughter certainly doesn't need such a force in her day to day life.

supermassive

duchy wrote: »

If you really want them to talk then tell your granddaughter to go home and sort things out with her Mother.

They've had their breathing space - now it is time to sort it out.
Yes she won't like it......and may shout at you too for not taking "her side" but sometimes we have to do things that are unpalatable to make sure things are put right.

Tough love is the hardest but deep down you know your daughter and granddaughter are both trying to outstubborn each other and someone needs to end this.

Most teens with younger siblings (step has nothing to do with it) sometimes feel the younger ones get more attention and they are supposed to be the responsible and sensible ones. Teendom with the one minute wanting to be grown up and the next wanting to be a child is a tough time for many . You know her father so know whether he really is leaving her out or if it is just the younger ones need more attention/actually want Dad to play with them still. Like I have said it's about perceptions - Look deep -is she really ignored or is it just the sibling thing going on. Just because she thinks it is true doesn't mean it is the reality - but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt her feelings even if it's not.
(I think this is where the comments about not taking you GD's perceptions as gospel come from). Throw in a few hormones and you have a three act drama in progress.

At home she has to compete with three other siblings for attention - at yours she has your undivided attention. Of course she'd rather be at yours and having her for overnights so she feels special is wonderful but not fulltime -she has parents and siblings she should be with.

Did somebody say that the girl's goal was attention? Or have you blatantly made that up?

Step DOES have something to do with it. You'll be cast aside and sometimes neglected by a step parent in favour of their blood children. That happens all the time.

As for heaving her out and sending her back, what's to say she isn't claiming refuge from violence or something worse? Because the way the mother's behaved, it would suggest more is going on than a falling out about (not) drinking.

Somerset

duchy wrote: »

At home she has to compete with three other siblings for attention - at yours she has your undivided attention. Of course she'd rather be at yours and having her for overnights so she feels special is wonderful but not fulltime -she has parents and siblings she should be with.

The youngster is lucky she has a grandmother caring enough to take her in.


A mother who is so selfish she can't be arsed to see her daughter, visit her daughter, cancels arrangements, texts and screams down the phone doesn't fit the mse 'good parenting lets bend over backwards' stereotype.


A stepfather doing/using drugs doesn't sound triple A either.


dutchy maybe (only maybe) it's not a teenager 'acting up' and being a drama queen - maybe home is !!!! and they don't want to be there any more. It's happened before.

fairy_lights

duchy wrote: »

If you really want them to talk then tell your granddaughter to go home and sort things out with her Mother.

But she shouldn't have to be the one telling them to sort it out. Her daughter should be acting like a responsible parent and coming round to take her own daughter home, not shouting at her down the phone and refusing to visit her.

GlasweJen

I thought it was the biological dad who does drugs?

Poppie68

Somerset wrote: »

The youngster is lucky she has a grandmother caring enough to take her in.


A mother who is so selfish she can't be arsed to see her daughter, visit her daughter, cancels arrangements, texts and screams down the phone doesn't fit the mse 'good parenting lets bend over backwards' stereotype.


A stepfather doing/using drugs doesn't sound triple A either.


dutchy maybe (only maybe) it's not a teenager 'acting up' and being a drama queen - maybe home is !!!! and they don't want to be there any more. It's happened before.

It's the biological dad that is on drugs ..
I agree with you entirely on all points.