my 14yr old granddaughter has moved in

summerof0763

My granddaughter has let school know she is staying with me.but they have never said anything about a meeting.
I have just emailed ss to see what help they can give

Mojisola

There was a thread on here a few years ago about a 14 year old who didn't want to live at home any more and had moved in with her Girl Guide leader. The Guide leader then claimed CB and child support from the girl's parents.

If summer's grand-daughter is forced to go home and she doesn't want to be there, she could end up with someone who might not have her best interests at heart.

As long as summer is sure that her grand-daughter isn't playing the adults off against each other and sets up rules and boundaries for her house, having her move in might be the best solution.

FBaby

The best thing you can do is talk to you grand daughter. You have hinted that she is not happy at home, but it is not very clear what she is not happy about and whether it is totally justified or her acting like a princess. Maybe posters could share their views about this as ultimately, that's what it all comes down to. If she is being spoilt and happy to be with you because she gets full attention and doesn't want to answer to her mum and step-dad, then you are not helping. If however they are more seeded issues, then you need to be there for her.

fabforty

supermassive wrote: »

I think it'd be interesting for people to re-read this thread and look at how absolutely disgusting some of the comments are.

This woman is a grandmother on disability with no car and not much money. She's taken in her grand daughter who's having countless troubles at home, which are only being made worse by her mother's wild accusations, presumably verbally-aggressive behaviour and acting like a brat.

These are the facts we've been told. Grand daughter hasn't done anything wrong and grand mother hasn't got the means to control either of them in terms of bringing them together, and has done all she can within logical constraints.

This young girl's mother should be ashamed of herself. The child is clearly better off without her from the behaviour she's shown in this situation. If she's not intelligent enough to know what to do as a parent in this situation, or is too lazy, then she shouldn't be a parent.

I agreed with the first part of your post and then unfortunately you added the final paragraph, and basically did what the posters you have complained of, have been doing to OP.


Others have said that OP has done the wrong thing and should have handled things differently/better, but when the situation suddenly presents itself, many of us would struggle to know what would be the right thing to do.
Your daughter throws a strop and suddenly refuses to come home. As a mother do you drag her home, go around and demand to speak to her (force her if necessary), leave her for a few weeks (knowing that she is safe) and let her stew in the hope that she will realise that life at home isn't so bad after all? I would probably go for the first option - some would call me strong and decisive, others would say I was abusive or bullying.

Based on the facts given, I don't think that the mother is stupid, doesn't deserve to be a parent (now who's being harsh?), or that her daughter is better off without her just as I don't think that the grandmother is necessarily in the wrong either. I think that both have found themselves in a difficult situation and don't really know what to do for the best. They probably both want granddaughter to go home (which is surely the best outcome), but they don't know how to achieve it.

big_pimple_0000

A 14 year old child is still a child and will inherently be selfish and unable to objectively make good parental decisions. This is a parents job.

There is the unlikely possibility that she is in danger at home, whereby I think granny is right to remove her from her parental home. I'm not sure shouting at a teenager constitutes being in danger though. I think this is pretty normal ;-) as they push/explore boundaries.

Grannies are usually a soft touch so I can only assume would also be the easiest option, especially if there's an issue that she feels left out at home.

You've undermined your daughters authority as a parent directly causing the inability to parent her own child effectively. This is obviously a scenario you are obviously not familiar with, but please try to see it from your daughters perspective.

A lot of the posters on this thread allude to seeing what the child wants, or at least meeting the childs wants. How is a 14 year old equipped to make such a decision? Will they not just choose the softest option? The one in which they get the greatest out of? Do they have the foresight and knowledge of someone much older than them? Is it right for a child to make a decision that should be made by a parent?

What has the world come to where people actively encourage for this child to be allowed to choose her own path, which seems to be the majority on this thread. Do you think child led parenting is a good option?

Or is this an effect of the empathetic world we seemingly live in now?

What is the effect on the relationship in the future between mother and daughter if daughter did move into grannies without mothers permission. I know what I see, but I don't have a crystal ball, so could be completely wrong, but I see a lot a damged relationships and bitterness going forward.

I suggest you possibly speak to relate or another counselling service as their family counselling is pretty good in my experience.

On the upside there's obviously an issue exposed whereby the daughter isn't happy in her parents home. Maybe this needs discussing between all of you. Maybe some good will come of it. Maybe there isn't an issue at all. Or maybe it will lead to the daughter moving in with granny, but surely the correct course of action is not to cause all this upset first, but to find out where the problem, if there is one, lies. And then act on it. You might find a better solution.

I wish you the best of luck in sorting out your problems and hope you find an amicable solution that you're all happy with.

theoretica

I find this research relevant - teenage brains apparently do odd things when criticised by mum!

http://www.wired.com/2014/11/teen-brain-shuts-hears-moms-criticism/

Might be useful to take into account when considering the order in which people talk to each other -ie maybe not start with mum criticising!

summerof0763

(Text removed by MSE Forum Team)

IDID NOT UNDERMIND my daughter oj she asked me to get granddaughter and i went and got her, the fact my daughter wont meet me halfway and come through and talk to granddaughter is her own problem and instead she takes the easy way out and phones granddaughter and starts shouting at her.E

Caroline_a

Summer - people are posting here, based on what you have written and their assessment of your situation. You are responding by saying that they haven't read the thread - I am assuming that big pimple has, but I certainly have. You seem to think we are attacking you - we aren't, we are simply saying what we would do or advise in the situation that you have described.

I have brought up 3 girls, mostly on my own, I have 2 grandchildren, and my daughter brings her children slightly differently in many ways to how I brought my girls up. That is how life is. Sometimes I have to bite my tongue with her - but bite it I do - these are her children, not mine.

We all make mistakes, and maybe your daughter has with her daughter in this case - but in my eyes you should step back. At 14 your granddaughter is not mature enough to decide who she is going to live with. Her place is at home with her mum and step-family, and somehow you and your daughter are going to have to work together to ensure that she returns. Perhaps your daughter shouting at her daughter is a cry for help from you? And maybe your daughter feels that you are fighting against her and turning her daughter against her?

We don't know. But you have to try to keep the lines of communication open and positive. You are incorrect in your assumption that we are criticising you - we are simply saying what we see based on your posts. I'm sure I am right in saying we all wish you well, but do try to step back a little and try to work with your daughter on this. I think it will be a good way for everyone.

Poppie68

Op I would personally quit this post now if I was you....it's become a amateur physcologist convention...

If your granddaughter was happy she wouldn't be reluctant to go home...she is 14 not 4 and shouldn't be forced into anything... who knows both mother and daughter may just need a break and find a way back to each other soon...
Mother needs to step her efforts up but in the meantime you carry on putting a roof over your granddaughters head, sit in the background and things will eventually blow over if there are no major issues at home.
Christmas is a good excuse to get everyone together... Good luck.

securityguy

How different, how very different, from the home life of our own dear Queen!