my 14yr old granddaughter has moved in

purpleshoes_2

I think some of the comments based on the information given have been harsh. Understatement. As someone else said, the op came on asking for help. If the child does not want to go home for whatever reason then surely that has to be taken into account, even if that is a temporary state and issues need to be worked through. Accusing someone of wrecking relationship so their own needs can be met is a step too far as far as I'm concerned. Irrespective of peoples own personal experiences take a step back and realise the op has already said that some comments have upset her.

I'm surprised anyone starts threads on here these days with the number of people who already have all the answers worked out.

Poppie68

Seanymph wrote: »

I am afraid I agree with Duchy - Parenting is hard enough, without grandparents with part of a story and a manipulative teen barging in and undermining you.

We had it, and the grandmother single handedly created complete non communication between my OH and his daughter.

The grandmother phones us when she wants money, because her grandaughter has stolen from her, or brought bailiffs to the door, or not made payments on the bank loan the grandmother took out to cover her pay day loans, or been fired from another carers job for stealing from the elderly she goes to, or crashed another car.......

Somehow, despite her refusing to discuss what we we trying to achieve, the truth of what was going on, and her offering somewhere alternative for her grandaughter to live 'what a terrible step mother, she doesn't feed you, makes









you sleep with her children in a shared room, doesn't give you the same as them....'. All rubbish - all lies passed along for sympathy and to 'punish' her father for not pandering to her over and above the other children in the family.

I feel grandparents should SUPPORT the parents - if there are issues, and your daughter is not coping, or the step father is not behaving appropriately (and I doubt that) then you help THEM to help your grandaughter - you don't take her away from them.

Are you lonely? I am left, based on our circumstances, to wonder what you get out of it - meeting your needs by wrecking other peoples relationships is very unpleasant. What you are now doing will have long reaching effects.

Send her home, lock the door when she goes to school and don't let her back in again.[








Unbelievably someone else who knows the entire story without knowing the facts....
Is it beyond the realms of reality that the step father and the mother may not be providing a safe and happy home for the granddaughter?
The mother needs to step up and do what mums are supposed to do, because she is failing miserably at the moment.... which is evident in her lack of contact since the daughter has been with her grandmother.

The above is taken from the grandmother's posts....I certainly don't feel the need to put my own spin on things and write a story on 'what's really happening'.

duchy

Poppie68 wrote: »

WOW.... Climb down off your high horse.....you seem to believe your version of the Ops story is the truth but all your showing is aggression against someone who came on here with a problem... how ugly!

I don't believe anyone's version is the full truth.
You may be looking at it from the grandparent view (assuming your forum name reflects your age) and want to believe a beloved granddaughter wouldn't manipulate and that the grandmother (who doesn't work and may indeed be a bit lonely) has complete insight and is utterly unbiased,

\you have three generations all trying to gain "control" all three no doubt believe they are right but ultimately you have a poster who isn't saying "Things have gone horribly wrong between my daughter and granddaughter and I want to help them to resolve it" but someone who is listening to one side only and doesn't even know why the original row sparked off between mother and daughter (or isn't saying).

If the grandmother genuinely believes the child is at risk at home she should be talking to SS herself or possibly the child's father. If she simply doesn't like her daughter's new husband ( can't be that new if they have three children together though) then the situation is out of hand.

She's overstepped her role as grandmother -she is perfectly placed to mediate but has chosen instead to pick a side -and over what appears to be a minor one off incident rather than a series of incidents.

Seanymph has posted one possible outcome -extreme to be sure but it probably started in the same way. Kids do best when family work together not when they allow the kids to play divide and conquer .

Ultimately in these situations the child usually goes home as whatever the story that is where they want to be with their parent (even if they argue) their own things, their friends local etc but in this situation there is a very real risk that when she does (or when Granny sends her home as she simply can't afford to keep her) the rift between Granny and the Mum will have caused permanent damage .

Do I think Granny has jumped in with both feet- yes. Do I think she's seeing GD through rose tinted specs- Yes of course that's what grandparents do.
I think she means well and a couple of days of cooling off time for Mum and daughter was a good thing but rushing out on Monday morning to buy uniform when she could have made do for a couple of days with the borrowed uniform or have asked Mum to have dropped one off gave the wrong impression of a long lasting arrangement which realistically putting morality aside she simply can't afford .

She needs to stop "protecting" the granddaughter from the consequences of her actions and get Mum round -sit them in a room together and leave them to sort it out mother to daughter before there is a lasting rift between them. If she can't do this then the next stop should be getting school involved as they will have staff trained and accustomed to counseling and mediating in these situations which aren't that unusual.

sharnad

Poppie68 wrote: »

Seanymph wrote: »

I am afraid I agree with Duchy - Parenting is hard enough, without grandparents with part of a story and a manipulative teen barging in and undermining you.

We had it, and the grandmother single handedly created complete non communication between my OH and his daughter.

The grandmother phones us when she wants money, because her grandaughter has stolen from her, or brought bailiffs to the door, or not made payments on the bank loan the grandmother took out to cover her pay day loans, or been fired from another carers job for stealing from the elderly she goes to, or crashed another car.......

Somehow, despite her refusing to discuss what we we trying to achieve, the truth of what was going on, and her offering somewhere alternative for her grandaughter to live 'what a terrible step mother, she doesn't feed you, makes









you sleep with her children in a shared room, doesn't give you the same as them....'. All rubbish - all lies passed along for sympathy and to 'punish' her father for not pandering to her over and above the other children in the family.

I feel grandparents should SUPPORT the parents - if there are issues, and your daughter is not coping, or the step father is not behaving appropriately (and I doubt that) then you help THEM to help your grandaughter - you don't take her away from them.

Are you lonely? I am left, based on our circumstances, to wonder what you get out of it - meeting your needs by wrecking other peoples relationships is very unpleasant. What you are now doing will have long reaching effects.

Send her home, lock the door when she goes to school and don't let her back in again.[








Unbelievably someone else who knows the entire story without knowing the facts....
Is it beyond the realms of reality that the step father and the mother may not be providing a safe and happy home for the granddaughter?
The mother needs to step up and do what mums are supposed to do, because she is failing miserably at the moment.... which is evident in her lack of contact since the daughter has been with her grandmother.

The above is taken from the grandmother's posts....I certainly don't feel the need to put my own spin on things and write a story on 'what's really happening'.

Its also possible that the dauhhter is in a strop and taking advantage of her grandma and her home life is good until she doesn't get her own way. People can only judue from the details provided from the one sided view of grandma

duchy

Poppie68 wrote: »

Unbelievably someone else who knows the entire story without knowing the facts....
Is it beyond the realms of reality that the step father and the mother may not be providing a safe and happy home for the granddaughter?
The mother needs to step up and do what mums are supposed to do, because she is failing miserably at the moment.... which is evident in her lack of contact since the daughter has been with her grandmother.



The above is taken from the grandmother's posts....I certainly don't feel the need to put my own spin on things and write a story on 'what's really happening'.

Nobody knows exactly what is happening but most people realize that a post written from one viewpoint- in this case the grandmother's is completely subjective. Other explanations have been presented which you have rejected -as the original post refused to address them in any form.

As for the mother- if the child is refusing to come home -and the grandmother is backing her -is it possible she's simply waiting for a normally level headed teenager to come to her senses and come home of her own accord rather than she is a completely uncaring mother. Same facts - two different perspectives one from the grandparent's viewpoint , the other looking for other reasons and not assuming the Grandmother's viewpoint is the only one.

If Mum did show up and literally drag GD home would Granny then decide evil mother was assaulting the child anyway ?

The important thing to remember is that these situations aren't static -My stepdaughter went to live with her father as a teenager because she and her mother constantly argued-ten years on with a family of her own she and her mother are close. Most women argued with their mothers in their teens -in most cases they didn't need to leave home . To steal and change Winston Churchill's comment "At fourteen I thought my parents knew nothing- by the time I was twenty I was amazed how much they had caught up"

Poppie68

sharnad wrote: »

Poppie68 wrote: »

Its also possible that the dauhhter is in a strop and taking advantage of her grandma and her home life is good until she doesn't get her own way. People can only judue from the details provided from the one sided view of grandma

That's the problem some have taken this story onto a whole different level... they are judging her on their concocted stories...what I find glaringly obvious is the lack of contact from the mother.... One abusive call doesn't add up to a mother who entirely cares for the welfare of her child....
The grandmother obviously has doubts about the mother's household and is quite rightly keeping the granddaughter in a safe environment... The mother is now the person who needs to step up and listen to her daughter but she can't do that if she doesn't turn up on the doorstep...

duchy

See I can another "glaringly obvious" scenario that Mother isn't prepared to to battle 2 to 1 and feels that the grandmother wouldn't leave her to sort it out with her daughter but would undermine her authority further

The OP has already said the GD has already refused to speak to her Mum on the phone (we don't know if Grandma told her she had to but it sounds likely she didn't) so with Granny backing her would she also refuse to speak to her face to face ?

Granny to be honest doesn't sound like much of a fan of Mum - or her husband. She talks about the GD getting off to a bad start in life .whatever that means.

Granny needs to be honest with GD and tell her she can't afford for her to stay and explain just how tight things would be with no treats , new clothes, running clubs, etc if she stays. Hopefully GD is doing her bit with housework etc already as Granny is disabled -if not it needs to be explained as an able bodied resident how much is required on a daily basis rather than as a visitor.

summerof0763

Know something duchy you need to learn to read what I put down, I told you I went to see daughter who I love dearly and asked her to come and speak face to face with granddaughter at weekend, SHE did not turn up but PHONED and I MADE granddaughter talk to her mum, unfortunately mum started shouting down phone at granddaughter.
Also on the sat night in question my daughter asked me to go and get my granddaughter from her friend house as she was no longer allowed to stay.
My granddaughter hardly goes anywhere as she lives in middle of nowhere, so when she does come into town curfew is 9pm.
I asked for a set of uniform I wasnt allowed it and her friend needed her clothes herself.
As for dad he is not interested in her he likes his drugs more.
I love my daughter and I like my son in law even though I feel its unfair not treating granddaughter same as his children after all he knew my daughter had granddaughter.
Am fed up being painted as a money grabber when all I wanted was a little help so looks like am no getting it so am just going to leave the thread and will do my best by granddaughter thanks to ones who were helpful which was not duchy you got a very nasty chip on your shoulder and think was the idiot stuart get a grip t

summerof0763

Sorry its seanmph that's the total idiot

fairy_lights

I can't blame your granddaughter for not wanting to go home if her mum has been shouting down the phone at her! Do your daughter and granddaughter usually get on well or have there always been problems in their relationship?