my 14yr old granddaughter has moved in

meritaten

sorry - but, as a nan myself I can sympathise with OP. sounds to me like she knows her daughter and knows her to be mostly in the wrong here (she just doesn't want to come out and say it). she feels she is giving her granddaughter a 'safe haven' until things calm down. IMO the OP should be the one calling SS - not least for advice on claiming extra money for GD because it sounds like she may end up 'fostering' as a relative/carer here.

maman

You said it was Saturday night they had the falling out so you didn't have to buy uniform. This should all have been sorted out on the Sunday. And incidentally, where did you get uniform from on a Sunday?


It's natural for you to feel close to your DGD but you aren't helping the situation. Unless you really intend to create a long term rift between mother and daughter she needs to go home PDQ. I'd just let your DD come around and talk to her. Go out yourself and stay away while they sort it out. Or better still let your DD collect her from school and take her home. I'm surprised your DD wants to involve Social Services over such normal, petty teenage behaviour. I doubt they'll be interested.


I'm sorry you're hard up but you can hardly charge for looking after your own DGD especially when some of the expense is of your own making.

Carmina-Piranha_2

I've had my son's friend staying with us for a while, and social services did their best to mediate and help the situation. It's not always a bad thing for somebody to call social services.

You might also want to call your grand-daughter's school and find out where she can go to chat about issues that might be upsetting her, such as conflict with step-dad, both now and in the future. I thought the pastoral care team at my son's high school were very helpful. There's not much they haven't seen before, and they know 'the system' and who to contact for more advice or practical assistance.

As for financial help, I can't really answer that. I had a 15 year old for 3 months with no help and in the end they went to live with their other parent who had a fight on their hands to get the child benefit off the 'parent with care'. The parent getting the child benefit won't give it up lightly, especially not if they don't see the situation as a permanent one. Your daughter probably expects the grand-daughter to come back home in the end.

If you look up the rules about child benefit there's something about letting them know if the child has been out of the home for more than a month, I think it is? So maybe you could try to claim it after you've had her for a month.

It's not unusual for a 14 year old to have conflict about curfews, chores, homework battles, etc. so it might eventually be in the girl's best interest if things can be sorted out, with mediation, so that she can return to her mother.

I had my nephew here a few nights ago after an argument, and while I really feel for him with the step-dad issue I wouldn't want to take him away from his mum unless I felt it absolutely necessary, if for example he was suicidal or was being abused or neglected. He knows he can always come here for a night to cool off, but to be honest I think the majority of teenagers would run off to live with somebody 'nicer' than their parents if there was somebody welcoming them with open arms, I know I would have! My grandparents would have mediated an eventual return to my mum though, as they did when my sister ran to them.

Carmina-Piranha_2

maman wrote: »

You said it was Saturday night they had the falling out so you didn't have to buy uniform. This should all have been sorted out on the Sunday. And incidentally, where did you get uniform from on a Sunday?


It's natural for you to feel close to your DGD but you aren't helping the situation. Unless you really intend to create a long term rift between mother and daughter she needs to go home PDQ. I'd just let your DD come around and talk to her. Go out yourself and stay away while they sort it out. Or better still let your DD collect her from school and take her home. I'm surprised your DD wants to involve Social Services over such normal, petty teenage behaviour. I doubt they'll be interested.


I'm sorry you're hard up but you can hardly charge for looking after your own DGD especially when some of the expense is of your own making.

I hope that social services ARE interested! Any runaway teen should be able to talk about why they ran away and have something put in place, even if it's just counselling from pastoral care in school.

For the majority it's normal petty teenage behaviour, but for the sake of those for whom there's a deeper issue it shouldn't be ignored.

azzabazza

maman wrote: »

You said it was Saturday night they had the falling out so you didn't have to buy uniform. This should all have been sorted out on the Sunday. And incidentally, where did you get uniform from on a Sunday?


It's natural for you to feel close to your DGD but you aren't helping the situation. Unless you really intend to create a long term rift between mother and daughter she needs to go home PDQ. I'd just let your DD come around and talk to her. Go out yourself and stay away while they sort it out. Or better still let your DD collect her from school and take her home. I'm surprised your DD wants to involve Social Services over such normal, petty teenage behaviour. I doubt they'll be interested.


I'm sorry you're hard up but you can hardly charge for looking after your own DGD especially when some of the expense is of your own making.

I think you will find it was a week ago Saturday that this happened.

OP the sooner mediation is in place the better. Your DGD needs to go home. Have you tried speaking in a calm way to your DD? She probably needs a sympathetic ear too.

HPoirot

What Duchy said. I would not get involved into the details of who is right or wrong, whether she drinks or smokes or runs or dances. Teenagers are a pain at the best of times and you are simply allowing yourself to be caught in the crossfire. Why on earth did you buy uniforms and meals, thus undermining her mum's parental authority? You may give some thought to how you would have reacted if someone came between you and your teenage child and undermined your relationship in this way.

Poppie68

I'm struggling to see how the op is enabling the granddaughter... the mother doesn't seem to be very proactive in her actions... Why is she not there day after day or waiting at the school gates? All the grandmother seems to be doing is providing a safe place for the granddaughter the rest is down to the mum and she seems to be failing miserably at her job....

Carmina-Piranha_2

What happened for us was that initially, at the parent's request, school set up a meeting where they tried to mediate a successful return home with both parties feeling that they had been listened to.

Is your daughter asking school for help, or asking her daughter to meet her face to face?

What I found sad, and difficult to understand, was that after a month, or two, or six or twelve, the parent didn't at least just ask the child to meet for a coffee with no pressure to come home. If it was my child I'd want to at least see them and tell them I love and miss them.

GwylimT

Ahh teenagers, aren't they great. My son did something similar, he went to a party when he was fifteen when he knew he wasn't allowed to go. He refused to get in the car when I went to pick him up, during this time the party boys parents arrived and everyone was hastily thrown out. My son still wouldn't get in the car so I informed him he would have to walk the ten miles home.

He trudged off to my grandmas and she let him stay the night, the next morning she didn't give him any breakfast as he hadn't paid board, when he went to get her bin in she locked him out and shouted for him to go home through the letter box. About six hours later be turned up pretty peed off, cold and hungry. He was much less of an idiot after that.

If she had treated him like a baby and showered him in gifts of clothes he would likely have continued being an idiot for a lot longer.

Poppie68

Yes but was your son subjected to a step parent that talks down to him and makes himfeel miserable?