Teenager help needed

merlin68

No Anglian Ruskin Cambridge sorry.

RAS

Anglia Ruskin - Cambridge campus

z.n

Hi OP
I have just read your latest posts and suspect the problem is not just the boyfriend. It sounds like your daughter has built up a lot of unhappiness and resentment growing up. It must have been so hard for her dealing with both your illness and her sibling's. The complaints about you not loving her sound like a cry for help- because it is obvious in everything you write that you love her very much. But her scorn over your medical needs is very telling. I think she's scared and it has all got a bit too much.

Are you hearing what she is trying to say? Not the actual words which are unfair of course- but what is behind it? Is your condition deteriorating, is she frightened to leave you in case something awful happens. Is she angry at your illness and projecting that onto you as a person? Is she selfishly angry because you using a commode is going to put off her boyfriend from coming round (and in that case why is she so dependent on him?) Has she had to supress her feelings of resentment historically because her sibling needed more attention or care....and is now letting rip?

If she were younger I expect someone might recommend counselling through school or college- is this an option where she attends and would she go? I suggest this because I suspect this is a problem that has been coming for a while and will not suddenly resolve with increased parental discipline. It may be that your daughter herself is not sure what is going on - she may be overwhelmed.

Caroline_a

Have you asked her what she is going to do if she doesnt get in, or fails her A levels? Point out that you won't be able to support her, and nor does it sound as if the boyf is in any fit state to either.

Maybe a little reality scenario might bring her down to earth?

bargainbetty

I once told my mother that she was being mean in not giving me something and she didn't love me. She very quietly opened the door and told me that if I actually believed it for a second, then I was welcome to leave because it was the most hurtful thing I could ever say to her, and she wouldn't want me to stay where I didn't feel like my brother and I were the most important things in the world.

Needless to say, I apologised and spent the next few minutes hugging her.

For whatever reason, your daughter is rebelling. If she starts with teenaged arguments, don't react angrily, just ask her if she thinks adults get to use those excuses.

When she goes to Uni and has her own place, she can treat it as she chooses. Until then, and under your roof, the rules are about consideration for everyone. No overnight guests during the week, a fair share of housework, a fair share of financial responsibility and her respecting your commitment to her education by going to college.

Let her know that if she fails her A levels, you won't be bailing her out again and she will be expected to get a job, pay rent and fund her own life/resits.

You could also ask her if she has changed her mind about nursing. It may be that she is self-sabotaging because she thinks it is easier than telling everyone she doesn't want it anymore. Give her an option to behave like a grown up and she might try.

If not, tell her to go stay at the BFs every night. See how green that grass really is.

FBaby

The complaints about you not loving her sound like a cry for help-

Or the result of her having been spoilt all her life. Could be either, but from what OP has written, more inclined to think it is the second.

Grumpelstiltskin

Person one I admire all nurses but I still don't see what the point of a degree from a jumped up Polytechnic is.


I am a firm believer of learning by doing, I would have no objection to someone working in a hospital for at least 1 year, OK perhaps doing menial jobs, but learning the things no university can teach them that is compassion and caring and then when they know exactly what the job entails going to college for another year.


I am afraid I don't like this current idea ' you must have a degree ' which is in my eyes just a smoke and mirrors exercise to keep young people off the unemployment figures.

merlin68

When her sister was born she was very poorly and needed 24/7 care with tube feeding and frequent hospital admissions I spent a lot of time in hospital with her as she nearly died at 3 months but 19 year old was only 3 then. she was tube fed for 2 years once we got over her health problems I was diagnosed with all these problems and started to go down hill. Her sister has had 5 ops now.

Errata

merlin68 wrote: »

i reiterated the fact to day that his not staying on a college night and got the same old line. No im not a single parent hubby is my carer. shes says I don't love her bla bla bla. im at the end of my tether now I have severe copd and arthritis and joints that give way any time due to hypermobility and feel like life aint worth living. she even complained that I was getting a stair lift and was embarrassed cos social services have given me a commode,

She's a real sweetheart :eek:

System

Have to be honest my parents never had the bf problem, first serious bf was allowed to stay BUT had to stay in a seperate room, plus he was never lazy as he was in the RAF and always up and kept me motivated in 6th form and my parents actually quite liked him :eek:

Doesn't sound like daughters bf is a good influence, i'm wondering, that however he's gettine money (and he must be getting some somewhere) that daughter is seeing the fact he has no reponsiblities and an easy life where he can laze about and do what he wants without repercussions, and if in turn this is making her less bothered about trying hard with school.college as she thinks its not all that bad if it doesn't work out. I feel she needs a reality check.