Teenager help needed

valk_scot

Words fail me. But that's because I've always been a reasonably strict parent I suppose and the kids know I wouldn't put up with that sort of thing for one second. My house, my rules, as others have said! I've never allowed sleepovers on a school night, not ever, I don't see that changing even though the nature of the "sleepover" will, of course. And disturbing other people sleeping and getting in my way during the day? Not on your life.


I did give DS the equivalent of child benefit monthly though, in fact I may have given him slightly more once you counted in his phone contract at the time. From that he paid for fares, school lunches and his social life up till he went off to uni, he had a job over the summer too. (Pocket money stopped then, yes!) I much preferred to give him money in one lump and leave it to him to work out to spend it, he could walk to school and save the fare for example, or buy a cheaper lunch at the school caf!. It's stood him in good stead at managing his money now he's at uni, he's not been back to ask us for more, put it that way. I haven't broached the topic of digs money when he's back here next summer, it depends what he's doing by way of work.


As to letting a child skive off study and exams and put her future in jeopardy for want of a bit of discipline and weathering a few tantrums...pah. This is what our job as parents is, surely? It's no different from when they were screaming on the floor in Tesco because you wouldn't buy them a mega bucket of sweets which would make them sick.

Caroline_a

OP I don't think you're going to like what I'm about to write - but it isnt said with malice.

I think it's too late. If your daughter is using every opportunity to skive off, she won't pass her exams and you can't do it for her. I think what you need to do is set some rules as people have said. If idle boyf stays beyond 8am then lots of noise, etc etc. Personally I wouldn't allow him to stay at all if that's how he is - if she leaves with him then you can't stop it. She will soon come back, but you can't live her life for her - all you can do is make her aware that when it all comes crashing down then you'll be there to help.

If it was me my rules would go like this:

1 No CB to be given over now. She's earning. End of.

2 Boyf to be banned during week. If she wants to go there, then let her. She's over 18.

3 Does she do her own washing? If not, then she needs to start. And you stop doing it!

4 Housework. You need a rota - with everybody's name on it.

5 Anyone staying over needs to be gone by 8am. (see rule 2 - if you decide against this, then you have to lay boundaries.) Weekends, everybody out of bed by 10.

Point out to her that all adults have to stick by rules, whether in a shared house or in their own. This is your house, your rules.

Speak to husband and tell him that if he doesn't back you up then you will wash your hands of it and he will have to take the primary role in managing his little princess.

Good luck! Just remember that they usually do end up ok....

z.n

I have yet to face this situation, my kids being a couple of years younger. However, I was the one with an 'unsuitable' boyfriend at 17. Ultimatums and complaints simply pushed us closer together. As it turned out he was a keeper, went on to retake O and A levels as an adult and has done well. However, although a bit directionless when young he was always a worker and respectful of doing his bit round the house etc. Similar situations with younger relatives (which have ended in mum saying boyfriend not welcome in the house due to lack of respect) have always resolved with girl coming to her senses. The only problem is that it can take a bit of time for this to happen.

So, a few thoughts:

make too much confrontational fuss and in the short term it could all get worse (cutting off nose to spite face.) Be wary about making any negative comment about boyfriend as a person at all.

Rather than shouting or arguing/lecturing with your daughter how about demonstrating the problems? For example, ask boyfriend his opinion on education/training etc- how much does he pay his Mum for keep etc. Ask his opinion on things round the house/expenses. Don't pick up any dirty towels/clothes/do their washing up etc . Speak direct to him about why you are politely asking him not to stay over on a school night- it would look seriously bad of him to complain. Ask him what he looks forward to about having his own place ( in a non-grilling breezy way.)

Do a household budget and leave it where they can see it (it sounds like your daughter has no idea.) Treat him like an adult with your daughter's best interests at heart. If he hasn't then it will soon show.

Also consider whether his own parents laissez-faire attitude means he is less prepared for life than he could be and a bit of gentle guidance from you might help.

IME the keepers (mine and several relatives) are keen to impress parents/do the gardening/ fix the gutters/ eager to demonstrate their ability to look after your daughter. Anything less than this and it will fade of its own accord (and the better the self-esteem of the daughter the faster it will finish.) Your husband might be better placed to do some of this if he is perceived as the softer option.

Be prepared for one or both of them to disagree or ignore your scattering of future path ideas- just get one or both of them thinking of adult life if you can and then sit back and let it happen. You cannot control what your daughter chooses to do- as an adult it is fully in her hands. She might think you an annoying interfering out of touch oldster but that doesn't mean she isn't listening or carefully watching what her boyfriend says and does- but you must give her the right to make her own decisions.

merlin68

i reiterated the fact to day that his not staying on a college night and got the same old line. No im not a single parent hubby is my carer. shes says I don't love her bla bla bla. im at the end of my tether now I have severe copd and arthritis and joints that give way any time due to hypermobility and feel like life aint worth living. she even complained that I was getting a stair lift and was embarrassed cos social services have given me a commode,

RAS

merlin68

Which field of nursing does she want to study?

merlin68

child nursing.

merlin68

Her sister is also disabled with being deaf and learning disabilities if that helps.

RAS

merlin68 wrote: »

child nursing.

OK - depending on the universities that she has applied to she is looking at 20-40 applications per place.

You have paid for her to attend two universities? If this was for interviews then her personal statement must be spot on. Most people only get one interview if they are lucky.

Realistically three quarters of applicants for Child Nursing do not get a place anywhere, so do not get too upset if she fails to get in.

merlin68

shes applied to Cambridge, Greenwich and southbank. she has passed the maths and English tests and been called back to all for interviews.

kelpie35

I am so sorry to hear how your daughter is treating you.

I am sure it must be heartbreaking to hear the things she is saying.

You have to remember that she is now an adult and she has CHOSEN to treat you this way, it is not a reflection on how you have brought her up.

You are the parent, you make the rules in your home. I think you have to show her that you not putting up with her disrespectful behaviour. Tell her that is she is not willing to live by the house rules she needs to find somewhere else to live. You need to be strong and carry through what you say.

I have been through this many years ago with my son. It is not an easy thing to do but the outcome was very positive.

I can now say that I have a great relationship with my son and on occasions he has thanked me for how I have brought him up and also apologised for things he said and done when he was younger.

I wish you luck and strength, keep strong.