Teenager help needed

z.n

I feel like the odd one out in suggesting a more sympathetic approach to OP daughter. However, having been on the receiving end of misdirected 'we know what's best for you' parental interference as a teenager it can permanently damage relationships, indeed break any trust. You would have to have an extremely strong bond to weather this sort of storm. My family didn't.

So, my thinking is that unless you are completely confident your daughter is just 'messing about' the unacceptable behaviour has a reason behind it. That reason could indeed be selfishness and that madam needs to be told she is being a silly stroppy spoiled brat with appropriate consequences. Just like I used to do when mine were younger and were disrespectful. But that approach might only further exacerbate the problem if the reason is in fact that OP daughter is emotionally overwhelmed, angry, stressed and worried. Simply confirming her belief that you are not listening/don't understand and never did.

Her expectation may be that you will by some psychic power 'get' what she is about (and thus her unreasonable anger that you don't)- if so she may be used to internalising her feelings and putting on a good outward front for family and friends. She may be so good at it that even she is not sure why she feels so angry at you (or even that she is being unreasonable.) You may need to coax it out of her. If her behaviour seems childish it may just be that she has held back lots from when she was younger and you need to clear the air.

My children are a little younger but if one says something horrid to me I know it is because they are themselves feeling bad and just trying to offload it onto me. The older they get the harder it is to get to the bottom of things, but that basic rule still applies. The meaner they are the more they are hurting. Self-destructive behaviour like not doing school work/choosing a loser boyfriend etc are even clearer signs. Forget the stiff upper lip- it all needs to come out.

So I would wish to be sure I fully understood the reason- good or bad- before taking any action that might have permanent consequences. In my case that would include doing my very best to have an open and frank conversation with my child (without boyfriend there), this conversation to be along the lines of 'it is really upsetting me that we don't seem to be able to talk without shouting...I need you to tell me what is wrong. I really want to do the best for you- but I need you to tell me what you really want. Can we talk about it, I am disabled not made of glass-throw a few stones and you'll see I won't break.' Be ready to listen to all sorts- no holds barred- before barriers start to come down.

Get the communication going-really back to basics and help her work out what she really wants. For example, does she really want to train as a nurse or would she be better looking at something less emotionally charged. Is the boyfriend just a temporary crutch or a permanent life partner. Can she forgive her sister and you all the worries and frailties. She's allowed to be angry and it isn't fair, and it's normal to be jealous of the attention her sister gets/you get from Dad and if you could fix it all of course you would....

After a genuine exchange OP you will know if your daughter is a good'un or bad'un, whether she just needs a break from home for a bit or some extra support.

Good luck.

dawyldthing

I know when I was 17-18 I hated being in 6th form as it was to me 'boring'. In fact the week before the Easter holidays I rushed through my coursework and posted it under my teachers door. She couldn't find it and rang my phone and my nan answered and said if she didn't have it soon then I couldn't do my a2. I'd honestly had enough and wasn't bothered. I was sick of studying. So I do sympathise. The only thing that kept me going was needing the grades to get into Uni (and I still didn't get into the one I wanted due to my English a-level. I think due to her age she needs to find her way in life. If she needs to resit then she will have to start funding it and realise what it's like in the real world. Plus if you can get the material for the Uni as to the grades she will need to get in I'd do that too as it might just focus her enough for the final push for her education to get onto the next stage.

Think carrot on stick -if she's focused on what she needs for the next step it might help

Loz01

Grumpelstiltskin wrote: »

Person one I admire all nurses but I still don't see what the point of a degree from a jumped up Polytechnic is.

I never normally comment on stuff like this but I went to Anglia Ruskin and did Psychology and its a great little Uni! Yes its not as big as others and NO its not the world renowned Cambridge University but calling it a 'jumped up Polytechnic' is quite rude.

OP - why are you giving a 19 year old 'pocket money', she should be getting a job if she wants cash to splash! Stop enabling her.

Jagraf

Grumpelstiltskin wrote: »

Going off at a tangent, I have always wondered why nursing needs a degree.


Looking at Southbank, one of the universities the OP mentioned, this is their maths test.


http://www.lsbu.ac.uk/__data/assets/pdf_file/0020/41546/Sample-Numeracy-Paper-2014.pdf


Now I was never considered cleaver enough to take GCE maths at O level and I could do that test in my head in a couple of minutes.


So now you need to stay at school until the age of 18 or 19 to pass exams and be able to answer maths questions as simple as these.


Then do another 3 years at university to be able to work as a nurse. All I can say is it's no wonder this country is laughed at educationally wise by many countries.

You may have your life saved by a nurse one day. And they may just save your life based on something learnt at uni. Then you will understand.

susan1

Grumpelstiltskin wrote: »

Going off at a tangent, I have always wondered why nursing needs a degree.


Looking at Southbank, one of the universities the OP mentioned, this is their maths test.


http://www.lsbu.ac.uk/__data/assets/pdf_file/0020/41546/Sample-Numeracy-Paper-2014.pdf


Now I was never considered cleaver enough to take GCE maths at O level and I could do that test in my head in a couple of minutes.


So now you need to stay at school until the age of 18 or 19 to pass exams and be able to answer maths questions as simple as these.


Then do another 3 years at university to be able to work as a nurse. All I can say is it's no wonder this country is laughed at educationally wise by many countries.

Any other nurses find this post insulting?

merlin68

She made me laugh she came home from work yesterday and moaned that she spent the whole day cleaning up poo. So i said what do you think nurses do. she replied im not a nurse im a carer. so i tried to tell her that nurses have to clean up bodily fluids to. i got moaned at for not complimenting her new hair do, tough last 2 times i had my hair done she told me it was horrible and didnt suit me.

HPoirot

merlin68 wrote: »

She made me laugh she came home from work yesterday and moaned that she spent the whole day cleaning up poo. So i said what do you think nurses do. she replied im not a nurse im a carer. so i tried to tell her that nurses have to clean up bodily fluids to. i got moaned at for not complimenting her new hair do, tough last 2 times i had my hair done she told me it was horrible and didnt suit me.

Not meaning to sound disrespectful OP, but did you never move on from her toddler years, where every little thing has to be complimented and encouraged?

merlin68

According to her ive never complimented her. so i told her that in the adult world you wont be praised and complimented on every little thing.