Teenager help needed

Jagraf

It sounds like you are concerned / worried about the effects your action may have.

Firstly you need to sort out what you are afraid of - do you think she will go off the rails / leave home / not go to university.

Once you go have a clear idea of your concerns, you need to look at worse possible scenario and think that through in your head so that you are ready for it (eg, if I turn the boyfriend out, she may leave home and get into trouble).

Then you need to do the hard, proper parenting task of laying own the rules you want to lay down.

fivetide

You need a united approach with her dad (old man) too. Talk to him about the concerns and make sure he backs you up.




Make a point to the boyfriend of asking him when he is going to get a job. How is he going to support your daughter? etc. Get it across he needs to get his lazy backside out of your bed. Also, I'd have a chat with his mum and explain your daughter ain't allowed to stay over on a college night and she is to send her home. You'd appreciate the support etc. See how that goes down. (I suspect it will go down like a cup of cold sick but that's beside the point).

Errata

Looks like the daughter is very good at spotting doormats to wipe her feet on. If the parents are committed to being doormats the daughter can hardly be blamed for making full use of those facilities.

Jagraf

WeAreGhosts wrote: »

genuinely never realised there were parents out there who gave child benefit money to the child. i thought it was supposed to cover food and other necessities?

i might have words with my mother about this

My 15 DD gets pocket money which I suppose could be argued comes from child benefit. However, this is used for buying her clothes etc in the same way I would do it if I kept it. This way she can spot the value of,money and has already changed her approach to wanting expensive clothes

I have told her that when she works I will match fund her earnings (she's only young so wouldn't be able to earn a lot, lol!). It makes little difference to me as it just means its out of her purse, not mine.

She has asked or some extortionately expensive headphones for christmas though. :eek: She tests me first to see my reaction as I am prone to give in, before she tackles her dad (who gives in anyway but it just takes a lot more effort from her).

Leather headphones!!!

getmore4less

How is this lad funding his life?

Might find if you cut the money stream to DD the lad does a disappearing act.

paddy's_mum

You're there to be her mother not her friend!

The sooner you and her idiotic father learn to stand up for yourselves, the happier her life will eventually be - you do realise that you have failed to teach her to fit into the world AS IT IS, not as you and she would like it to be?

Do you love her enough to insist upon fair play and at least the basics of considerate behaviour?

Do you think her life will be happy if she carries on displaying this selfish and spiteful attitude and such a willingness to manipulate others?

You have done her no favours but the remedy is in your own hands.

Errata

If the BF isn't working and he's staying in bed until the middle of the afternoon he won't be getting JSA. Who's funding his exotic lifestyle?

hazyjo

At that age, if you've never earned it, you don't realise the value of money. You also think the world stops and ends at the age you are (and you feel oh so bloody mature and grown up). It's very easy to fail to realise that she (and her boyfriend) will probably be working until they're at least 67 - around 50 long boring years if you're in a job you hate, or not working with zero money. THIS is the time to put in just a tiny bit of effort to at least get into something that you can earn money from. My BF's son has just quit Uni after three years. We're so upset and don't feel he's acknowledged the fact that he has decades ahead of him with bits and pieces of work doing nothing much in particular. What a rubbish life plan.


Do you feel you wasted your life/career on some bloke? Just something in your tone early on made me think you had regretted maybe not doing a course, or training, all cos of a bloke... might be wrong, just thought I picked up on a tone.


Take her out for dinner. Tell her the time has come for her to be treated as an adult.


Ask her who she thinks picks you up? Who gives you 'pocket money'? She sees you as a grown up and is choosing to act the child when it suits.


Time for some tough love. She earns her money, or she doesn't have any to spend. Simple.


Where is she meant to be studying? Away somewhere, I mean, or near enough to be home a lot?


Personally, I would print this whole thread out and leave it on her bed. Go out for the day, come home several hours after she's read and digested it it.


If you do leave it for her - I also want her to know she is behaving like a spoilt petulant child. Leave her a copy of the Kevin & Perry film too. Surely she wants to be thought of (and behave) as more of an adult than that? At the moment, she could be either one of them.


I had a Saturday job packing bags in a supermarket at 16. I was out to work at 17 after one year at college. I was also spoilt, but still had to give my parents 'rent' once I was earning. Not much, but a bit. Yes I did begrudge it, but that's because I was utterly spoilt and hadn't realised I'd be expected to pay it. I look back now and think how utterly selfish I was to not expect to pay anything. I thought they were well off so why should I... what a horrible attitude. Not impressed with myself for that now I'm an adult. I'd always been picked up/dropped off and did expect it. My mum does the same now for my sister's kids and I often say they're spoilt and it does them no good in the long run.


Going out to work and earning my own money, and buying my own flat (with a BF) at 21 was the best thing I could ever have done. I needed that to cut the apron strings. Maybe things will change for the better when she goes off to Uni...


Jx

Seanymph

well she's behaving badly because you've taught her that it works.

You can either carry on, and suffer the consequences, or do something different in the hopes that she changes her behaviour.

However you have left it a bit late, so she may well just find someone else to mug.

My daughter is 21 - and we decided her latest boyfriend didn't get to stay. She has a house, he has a flat with the army, and if she stays here he doesn't.

We will have him at christmas, but for our purposes (I won't bore you) we said we did not want him to stay when they first got together. she just said ok.

Putting rules in place is hard if you haven't before. But you need to, because the fact she is not putting in any effort is because she's never had to - you have always swept in and picked up her pieces. You need to stop.

Errata

OP I have no idea how you could handle this situation. Your daughter is a tyrant and her father is too lazy to parent.
If nothing changes she'll fail her exams and be unemployable. You'll then be stuck with her because she will have NO money and NO child benefit. Of course, if her father works he may be willing to fund her lifestyle.