Christmas festivities...

securityguy

supermassive wrote: »

"allow" is a bit strong. She's beyond the realms of anyone's control.

!!!!!!!!. People can just walk away when she's being obnoxious and leave her to it. "I'm sorry, mother," your partner could say, "but if you continue you talk like that, I will not listen". You're all just a bit pathetic, letting her yelling and stupidity dominate your lives. Grow up. If she shouts and is obnoxious, stop spending time around her.

securityguy

supermassive wrote: »

I'd hazard a guess that you're not familiar with this particular personality type. They don't listen when told. Ever. She's "always right".

So stop spending time with her. If she can't talk civilly, don't let her talk to you.

In the meantime, simply say of her insane plans "No, I'm sorry, we won't be doing that, as it doesn't work for us". Stuck record: "It doesn't work for us". If she wants to shout and yell, put the phone down.

But as things stand, you've got a toddler who throws tantrums, and you're encouraging them by given them what they want. Have the Christmas you want, doing what you want, where you want, with whom you want. If she doesn't like it, that's not your problem. You only choose to make it your problem by prioritising her needs over your own. Stop doing that.

margaretclare

I agree that she's a 'personality type'. Nevertheless, unless you all acquiesce to having your lives made a living hell, I repeat, sooner or later someone is going to have to grow a backbone and say 'No'. And keep saying it. Yes, I accept that she won't listen.

A personality is something that develops. What were her parents like? Did they allow her to rule their roost from being a toddler? 'Mummy says I'm a proper little madam'...yes, I've met that type too. Again, I agree with securityguy.

purpleshoes_2

supermassive wrote: »

I actually think you may have a point.

I'm not reluctant to try and change the plans at all, perhaps I can't see the wood for the trees and all that malarkey... it's just that the personalities involved (MIL) are not ones that take kindly to being questioned.

I've suggested that I cook (urgh again, 2 days in a row) xmas dinner for my younger brother and my mum. This will take a big chunk of crazy out of the equation as it'll then remove the back-and-forth to MIL and Mum. It hasn't gone down too well with MIL at all.

When I say "hasn't gone down too well" I mean she's thrown her toys out of the pram. Many lectures about 'breaking tradition' and 'not spending xmas with her oldest son' and blah blah blah all kinds of "don't you know you don't matter?" style phrases. Even down to "I'll come and pick him up and drive him to my house". :rotfl:

I feel that she thinks she can push me around because I'm male and she's a very pushy, controlling woman. Her poor husband gets no end of stick from her about various rubbish. I don't think she understands quite that just because I'm with her son, and have been for years, that doesn't make me her son - nor does it mean she can control me.

FYI medical post gets sent to her because OH is a pushover to her. He's learned after years of being ground down by her personality that it's easier to just give up when she's being demanding. aka he's testicularly inept.

So yes. I've put a pig amongst the roosters, or whatever that saying is... but I'm not looking forward to the repercussions that come on Xmas day in the form of snide comments at my expense for stealing her son away on xmas day. :rotfl:

PS: I tried to be subtle, in order to not be condescending, but it didn't work for some lol . We're both male.

I dont understand why anyone would opt into a Christmas Day that has so many aspects of it that just look miserable. All to please other people.

The world won't end if the MIL doesn't get the Christmas Day she wants.

You don't need to cook for 12 people, you don't need to cook twice over just so someone else doesn't get upset. You do what you want to do and what makes you happy.

For Christmas I'm going to my mums for a couple of days, we are going to enjoy ourselves, no fuss, no faff, no family dramas.

If I ate cheese sandwiches or a takeaway on Christmas Day it wouldn't bother me one bit because what matters is being with family. You can't accommodate everyone and make them happy even with that timetable. Something has to give and if that means saying no to someone in the equation, maybe if you do start saying no more often, even the biggest personalities will learn that you aren't going to be pushed around.

supermassive

Her own mother is a carbon copy... and her daughter's not much different. It's actually terrifying because they look very very similar, too.

I'm not sure where you get that we're spending time with her from, because we avoid her quite often unless she invites herself around unannounced.

We don't allow her to do things etc without showing displeasure, but she cannot be stopped. She will literally bulldoze her way through to whatever she wants.

All this chat of "backbones" etc is pretty inane. She has been told point blank various times again and again when she does these things, makes these demands, but she seems to be made of teflon.

As I've said, I've told her what our xmas dinner plans are that don't involve her, and she's currently praying to the devil for my heart to stop for taking away her son.

supermassive

purpleshoes wrote: »

I dont understand why anyone would opt into a Christmas Day that has so many aspects of it that just look miserable. All to please other people.

The world won't end if the MIL doesn't get the Christmas Day she wants.

You don't need to cook for 12 people, you don't need to cook twice over just so someone else doesn't get upset. You do what you want to do and what makes you happy.

For Christmas I'm going to my mums for a couple of days, we are going to enjoy ourselves, no fuss, no faff, no family dramas.

If I ate cheese sandwiches or a takeaway on Christmas Day it wouldn't bother me one bit because what matters is being with family. You can't accommodate everyone and make them happy even with that timetable. Something has to give and if that means saying no to someone in the equation, maybe if you do start saying no more often, even the biggest personalities will learn that you aren't going to be pushed around.

Xmas eve I volunteered for purely to give my step mother the day off cooking as she's had neck surgery this year and is in a bit of pain cooking for 4/5 so thought it was the kind and rational thing to do to volunteer to do the big cook for 12 (was 14 but 2 can't make it this year due to honeymoon thank god). It's not something I mind doing as I enjoy cooking and I'm the only other family member that can actually cook without half poisoning everyone. :rotfl:

The rest was NOT an "opt in" system by any stretch of the imagination. More like a dictatorship system.

Pollycat

supermassive wrote: »

I'd hazard a guess that you're not familiar with this particular personality type. They don't listen when told. Ever. She's "always right".

A prime example is when she tried to secretly get a key cut to our home, so she could "check on us". :rotfl: I mean, really... come on now. She was told in no uncertain terms that if that happened, I wanted a key to her house so I could 'check' that her surround sound was still working at 3am every single morning.

It's not that she's been allowed, or not told, but that resistance is futile. She's Darth MIL.

You are contradicting yourself here.
You say she doesn't listen when told but you stood up to her about the key.
So do the same over Christmas Day.

If you say you are not going to her house for Christmas, what in reality can she do?

She can come over in her car and insist you get in, but if you keep saying 'no' is she really likely to physically manhandle you both into the car?

Your partner needs to stand up and be counted though.

I think you both should have been ready with a rejection of her invitation as soon as she made it, I think you've maybe left it a bit late.

purpleshoes_2

supermassive wrote: »

Xmas eve I volunteered for purely to give my step mother the day off cooking as she's had neck surgery this year and is in a bit of pain cooking for 4/5 so thought it was the kind and rational thing to do to volunteer to do the big cook for 12 (was 14 but 2 can't make it this year due to honeymoon thank god). It's not something I mind doing as I enjoy cooking and I'm the only other family member that can actually cook without half poisoning everyone. :rotfl:

The rest was NOT an "opt in" system by any stretch of the imagination. More like a dictatorship system.

You can say no to that dictatorship, we all can. Saying yes is easier to avoid more drama, but if it causes stress, then bite the bullet and say no, makes for an easier life all round in the long run.

You'll probably still get grief/snide remarks anyway. Id rather do as I pleased at Christmas, every time.

margaretclare

Well, I'm sorry you regard my remarks about backbone as being 'inane'. The point is, this woman is a bully. There are only 2 ways to deal with a bully. Lie down and let them trample all over you. Or, stand up to them. Yes, I know you said she 'won't listen'. She's behaving like some petty dictator but, ultimately, what sanctions can she apply against you? Whatever she does or says cannot IMHO make things any worse than they are, as you've described them. You're outlining what for most of us would be the Christmas from hell, and we're still 6 weeks off the actual date. What can she really do to you?

supermassive

Pollycat wrote: »

You are contradicting yourself here.
You say she doesn't listen when told but you stood up to her about the key.
So do the same over Christmas Day.

If you say you are not going to her house for Christmas, what in reality can she do?

She can come over in her car and insist you get in, but if you keep saying 'no' is she really likely to physically manhandle you both into the car?

Your partner needs to stand up and be counted though.

I think you both should have been ready with a rejection of her invitation as soon as she made it, I think you've maybe left it a bit late.

There was no "invitiation". It's presumed that we're going to do what she wants us to do.

I stood up to her about the key because I could physically stop her getting one... although she constantly brings it up.

To be honest, part of my reluctance to do anything about her (although I have re xmas) is that it causes huge fights and rifts and it's something I could do without. I have GAD anyway, so having a screaming MIL isn't likely to help.