my husband is having an affair

lost898

Sat here totally heart broken.We have been married 14 years and together 16 years. It all started in 2002 when a girl half his ages started talking to him they used to chat on the net everyday and she lives close by and I am sure he used to sneak around to see her as he would make an excuse to go out in the middle of the night and would be gone for hours and she also seemed to keep hanging around by where we live I am pretty sure this was to see him and probably to wind me up. I asked him at the time was there anything going on with her and he said no they are just friends so I told him how uncomfortable I was with their friendship and he promised to cut off all contact with her. It all went quiet and she stopped hanging around near our house so I assumed that he had stuck to his word and we continued life as normal and went on to have 2 beautiful children.

Fast forward to now he left his phone at home today by accident he never usually leaves it anywhere even takes it in the bathroom with him and its always on silent so for some reason my gut instinct kicked in and i decided to switch it on and take a look his pin was easy to guess as its our sons birth date.
Anyway I have just discovered thousands of messages between them both it turns out that he never ended any contact with her they have been texting each other everyday for all these years. There are messages from both of them indicating that they have in fact had intimate contact and will have more in the future .I am so heart broken I don't know what to do I don't know if I should confront him as I shouldn't have checked his phone but i can't just let him get away with it for our children's sake:(

supermassive

Personally, I would remain silent about it.

Be the best wife possible.

Then throw a toaster in the bath with him. But that's just me.

Realistically speaking - don't say anything until you've got all your own stuff planned out and organized. There's nothing worse than a breakup where you're both rushing around to get all the legal documents, money etc you think you're owed. Do it over maybe a week or so then drop the bombshell that you know.

But maybe first get him to buy you some pretty things you can sell

Browntoa

Confront him

If you have accepted its over and there's no going back then sit down now and work out what you want to happen next , write it down if need be , things like if you want him to leave , finances and do on

If you think he's likely to draw all the money from a joint account then go and draw money you need now and put it somewhere

lost898

Thank you for your replies it seems like a very good idea to sort out the documents and money first I had not thought of any of that side of things. Just so confused why he would do this to us he always seems really happy at home but I guess that is not the case.
Its going to be so hard to stay calm and pretend I don't know until I have sorted stuff out for myself and the children but I guess I have no choice. God help if I see his bit of stuff because right now I don't think I could hold back.

RAS

I am going to be brutal here.

You may or may not end up splitting up; and you need to protect yourself now in case that happens.

Can you download the evidence, as that is all you have at the moment. Otherwise he can just carry on lying.

Find all the important documents that you might need if you split; info in bank accounts, savings etc.

Open a new basic bank account (there is no credit check) and start to put away a little emergency money now.

Is the house on a mortgage, or rented? If rented what is the fixed term? If mortgaged, how much per month?

Do you work?

Do you have any relative or close friend who you can trust not to say a word with whom you can talk?

And get an STD check.

RAS

lost898 wrote: »

Just so confused why he would do this to us he always seems really happy at home but I guess that is not the case.

He may well be really happy at home and you may well be providing him with the family he really loves.

He also wants the fling.

danih

As others have said start off by sorting your plans out - particularly money!!! Assuming you will be keeping the children if you split up you need to provide for their needs. You can't assume that your husband will be decent about finances. At times like this angry, caught out people can make stupid, angry decisions that aren't in the best interests of their children. So protect your money - move it, withdraw it, do whatever you need to.

Find a locksmith - how much notice does he need to come around and change locks for back and from doors? Your husband clearly has somewhere else to go, it makes sense for you as the children's main carer to remain in their home with them. You need to be in control of when your husband (assuming you do want him out) comes and goes. It will be very confusing and upsetting for your children (and you) if your husband comes and goes as he pleases. You don't want him letting himself in because he forgot something / to check something / to see the kids and 1000 other excuses for remaining in control of your home.

Contact Citizen's advice bureau about benefits, child care, custody, access etc.

And wishing you all the best - this is a horrible position to be in.

thorsoak

lost898 wrote: »

Thank you for your replies it seems like a very good idea to sort out the documents and money first I had not thought of any of that side of things. Just so confused why he would do this to us he always seems really happy at home but I guess that is not the case.
Its going to be so hard to stay calm and pretend I don't know until I have sorted stuff out for myself and the children but I guess I have no choice. God help if I see his bit of stuff because right now I don't think I could hold back.

Of course he's happy .....he's got the best of both worlds .....nice house, lovely wife, nice children ...and his bit on the side!

But you can't take it out on him - she's not the married man with two kids - you can direct your anger at him and his inability to keep his pecker in his pants. I agree with the other posters - you have to try and remain as calm as possible, make all the financial arrangements you can (and when you open your new bank account, move as much as you can from the joint account just before you drop your bombshell). Pack up his clothes, making sure you add a small pot of yoghurt which has unfortunately sprung a leak to each bag. Then tell him that you've had to have a test for STD and as you haven't been with anyone else - can he explain.

In the meantime, do you have family or friends who can support you emotionally through this fraught time? We will always be here for you.

fivetide

thorsoak wrote: »

make all the financial arrangements you can (and when you open your new bank account, move as much as you can from the joint account just before you drop your bombshell). .

I would be careful about doing something that could be seen as theft and could be used against you later. Make you get what you are entitled to by all means though.


How old are the children? You need to think of how to tell them too as it could come as a bit of a shock of course.


Sorry you are in this situation though OP. I'm with you though, I don't think the 3rd person here is totally innocent. They know the situation, especially after all this time.

supermassive

You could break it to him by saying you've been to the doctor, and he's said you're showing signs of an STD that's going to render you infertile. See what he says.

millysg1

Collect all important documentation and go see a solicitor ASAP. Understand your full rights now.

I know this bit will be hard but try to stay unemotional right now and think practically about what you need to get sorted. Once everything has calmed down then let yourself fall apart but find someone close to you, friends or family, to be there for you. You'll be going through from disbelief, anger, sadness, feeling of loss etc etc.

Try to stay strong, think of the kids and get yourself organized.

Also, the idea of downloading proof is a very good one.