Giving my husband all my money?

trailingspouse

I've just seen your last post.

What's your opinion?

And what does he say when you complain about the purchase of random amphibians?

sulphate

fairy_lights wrote: »

He believes that a womans place is in the home and doesn't want you to look for work, but also leaves you with no money for yourself while he keeps a fair amount of disposable income for himself?
I don't want to jump to conclusions here but this doesn't sound like a very healthy arrangement at all, do you think he is using your financial situation to control you?

My thoughts exactly.

You are married - you need to view your finances jointly because legally they are. Yet I notice your posts are centred very much around "his and my money" - you mention you drive one of your husband's cars, you pay for the phone/broadband (which presumably both of you use?) - not to mention your thread title.

You have £30 a month to spend on yourself but it's OK for him to spend £250 on a frog?

How do you ever get a haircut, have a meal out with friends, buy Christmas/birthday presents for loved ones, etc? Or do you need to ask his "permission" to spend money on little luxuries?

willysmum

tyllwyd wrote: »

On the face of it, if he has £2400 coming in per month (before tax or after?), and he is expecting you to give him £400 out of £600 then that does sound unreasonable.


I do wonder if there is more to the story though - when you say you have £170 going out, is that bills or debt repayments? If it is to pay loans/credit cards, I wonder if there are issues between both of you over money.


Also, it does worry me that you have so much coming in through tax credits - at some point it will be reassessed on your OH's current income and drop right down, and possibly some will need to be repaid.


But as a general point, I hate having to feel that someone is looking over my shoulder at every penny I spend, and it would be perfectly reasonable for the two of you to agree a budget of money that you keep in your account to spend as you please rather than having to go through his bank account every time.

The £2400 is after tax and the direct debits i pay are life insurance, car insurance ,phone and broadband, mobile contracts and 2 small catalogue bills. Its the fact that i have to explain every penny i spend when he will buy what he likes, i dont even buy alot, this month i bought a pair of shoes to replace a holey pair and had to ask if i could buy a coat as i didnt have one.

willysmum

Reading all the replies have been a real eye opener, i am going to work out an income and out going sheet and try to have a chat about it 2night.
I dont get my hair cut, dont go out with friends, dont have my nails done anymore, although last week my daughter was jome from uni and i took her out for breakfast hoping that my husband wouldnt check his bank statement and see, thats not right and i am going to have it out with him.
Trailingspouse, if i complain he laughs it off

Pollycat

willysmum wrote: »

my husband says i can have his bank card whenever i want but if i do spend anything he wants to know to the penny what ive spent, just wondered if what i give him is reasonable? Thank you

willysmum wrote: »

Thanks for your reply, yes he has informed them of the change :-) i am looking for a job, need to sort out childcare as he doesnt want me working evenings when hes home from work and would probably want all my wages too :-)

willysmum wrote: »

Thank you Mamam, i dont work as the children are 4 and 6 and my husband is of the belief that a womans place is at home.

Money is tight at the moment as he will buy whatever he wants and sees.

willysmum wrote: »

Its the fact that i have to explain every penny i spend when he will buy what he likes, i dont even buy alot, this month i bought a pair of shoes to replace a holey pair and had to ask if i could buy a coat as i didnt have one.

willysmum wrote: »

I dont get my hair cut, dont go out with friends, dont have my nails done anymore, although last week my daughter was jome from uni and i took her out for breakfast hoping that my husband wouldnt check his bank statement and see, thats not right and i am going to have it out with him.
Trailingspouse, if i complain he laughs it off

Oh dear. Just reading the bits from your posts that I've quoted, your relationship doesn't sound equal. Far from it.

Do you really think your husband is treating you with respect?

How long have you been married?

Has he always been this controlling over money and your life?


If you do get a job, do you think he'll expect you to fund the costs of childcare?

Mojisola

willysmum wrote: »

my husband says i can have his bank card whenever i want but if i do spend anything he wants to know to the penny what ive spent,

willysmum wrote: »

he doesnt want me working evenings when hes home from work and would probably want all my wages too

willysmum wrote: »

I dont get my hair cut, dont go out with friends, dont have my nails done anymore, although last week my daughter was jome from uni and i took her out for breakfast hoping that my husband wouldnt check his bank statement and see, thats not right and i am going to have it out with him.

It certainly isn't!

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?section=00010001002200410001&itemid=1272&itemTitle=What+is+domestic+violence
Women's Aid uses the Home Office definition of domestic violence which is:
"Any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those aged 16 or over who are or have been intimate partners or family members regardless of gender or sexuality. This can encompass but is not limited to the following types of abuse:
• psychological
• physical
• sexual
• financial
• emotional

Controlling behaviour is: a range of acts designed to make a person subordinate and/or dependent by isolating them from sources of support, exploiting their resources and capacities for personal gain, depriving them of the means needed for independence, resistance and escape and regulating their everyday behaviour.

willysmum

Weve been married for nearly 4 months, we are not equal, afterr work on fridays he will go to the pub, get drunk, laze around all day Saturday with a hangover whilst i look after the children ( one is his from a previous relationship) i am lucky if he takes the bins out once a week let alone anything else, if i ask him for help its 'ive been at work all week"
Before we were married it was more his money and my money, he treats my child like his own and provides for him its just me feeling left out and cant even afford to buy the children Mcdonalds at the end of the month

tyllwyd

willysmum wrote: »

The £2400 is after tax ...

You are definitely going to have to sit down together and sort something out - if that's his income after tax, then your tax credits will stop at some point and you won't have any money coming in at all. If you are saying that money is tight now, then it will only get worse when the tax credits stop. The two of you need to talk, and you need to have a budget that you can spend without having to justify every last thing to him.

Ladyshopper

Sorry to say it, but he sounds financially abusive.

SailorSam

£250 on a frog !!! ?
Why can't you have a joint a/c, then if all the money is going into that everyone could be happy.