Is she an auntie?

pickledonionspaceraider

Buzzybee90 wrote: »

One of my friends brother in law's wife recently gave birth to a little girl. My friend was over the moon for her and her husband (her husband's brother). She sent them a congratulations card from herself and her husband and signed it love auntie *her name* and uncle *his name*.

A couple of days later they called to thank for the card but also were confused why she had written auntie when it was only her husband that was an uncle, as she's no blood related.

She was gutted - anyone else experienced this?

The parents sound completely obnoxious IMO. As said previously, yes she is an Aunt. Sounds like the parents do not want her to be though... how strange

TBagpuss

pollyanna24 wrote: »

Yes, she is her aunty, but I don't think they meant anything horrible by asking.

What annoys me is that my kids call my ex's friends, uncle and aunty, and I just don't understand why he does this. They have enough real aunts and uncles, and this just confuses the issue. He also has them call his friends' parents, Nanny ..... (whatever their name is) and Grandad ....... (again their name). Again, I don't get this. They have their real nannies and grandads.

The one that really gets me is my ex's gf's parents. My children refer to them as nanny and grandad.

My ex called my cousins my kids' aunty and uncle once and I just thought, No they're not!!! They're their cousins (ok, maybe a few times removed or whatever), so why confuse them?!

I think that is one of those things which varies a lot from one family, or one person, to another.

I am known as "Auntie Bagpuss" to quite a number of children I am not related to in any way, because that is what their parents have decided. I think it comes down to the fact that many people are not comfortable with children calling adults by their first names with no title at all. I don't have a strong view either way - I'm happy to be known just by my first name.

Most children have no trouble at all understanding who is who, and it isn't as though there is a cap on the number of aunts and uncles you're allowed to have. Surely what is important is that the children have lots of people in their lives who care about them? You don't have to have your kids know your friends and extended family as 'auntie' and 'uncle' but your ex's approach is not uncommon, or unreasonable.

duchy

You've missed the point entirely.

This isn't about what people call themselves...............some people call themselves their best friend their sister, or call an unrelated adult Mum - what titles people choose to give each other regardless of their accuracy is between them but just because it feels like an aunty , or a daughter relationship doesn't mean it is.

It's like saying a dog that likes water is a duck - it may behave like a duck but it isn't a duck. A girlfriend isn't a wife -they may feel like one but general society and the law in particular (like the laws of inheritance) won't say "Oh just because you feel like a wife you are a wife-take your boyfriend's estate even though legally you aren't entitled to it instead of his children or his parents who legally inherit"

People choose not to marry for a variety of reasons -they can call themselves husband and wife ....or uncle and auntie but it is inaccurate so it isn't a case of "allowed" it's just some dreamed up fantasy title they can use with the agreement of the family concerned if they want but if they've chosen not to marry then actually they aren't an aunt or uncle anymore than a woman who is unrelated to the Mum but the kids call her Auntie Jaylee is an aunt just because she and Mum have been friends all their lives. Some societies call all unrelated women over forty Auntie -it's an honourary title -it doesn't mean they are actually related by blood or law.

It isn't a case of "dismissing" their wishes -it's a case that whilst they they have auntie status - the literal truth in *your* family is that they aren't and that's acceptable to you and that's fine -but as it isn't actually true the rest of the world don't have any obligation to feel the same way or recognise the faux relationship title .

In the case the OP cites there *is* a genuine by definition aunt status - which for some reason the parents are reluctant to acknowledge.

BTW why would the children of my brother not be my child's cousins? You logic is beyond any reason. HE is my blood so his children are my blood. If he and their mother choose not to marry then she has no legal relationship to me (or them) in law -that doesn't mean I've rejected her it just means she isn't legally an auntie to the children in name (but possibly could have a relationship with them similar to an auntie.) I think you are as confused as the couple in the OP. LOL

I disagree that the majority of genuinely committed couples don't marry -Many still do -others don't want to for I'm sure good reasons (although I personally don't understand why you wouldn't want to stand up and say -This is us -now and for the rest of our lives" if that is how you felt.......or even just for the legal protection it affords both of the couple) but to stamp your feet and demand recognition for a title bestowed by marriage when you don't want marriage makes little sense. to me ................but then I don't understand women who change their surname to their partners by deed poll either. The cost of drawing up the documents is no different to a basic registry office ceremony. If you don't want to marry someone -why would you feel the need to take their name ?

jaylee3 wrote: »

So are you saying then, that if a couple don't get married, that they can't ever be allowed to call themselves aunt or uncle to their partner's nieces and nephews, like, ever? If a person is not married to your brother/sister, (and they are never going to get married,) are you not going to allow the partner to be classed as auntie or uncle, ever?

Many couples these days do not get married. So if you had a brother who had been with his girlfriend/partner for say 15 years, and they had kids together and had lived together for many years etc; would you never allow your children to call her auntie, because she is not married to your brother?

If they have children, would you tell your your children they're not allowed to class your brother's children as 'cousins,' because he is not married to their mother? I mean, where do you draw the line? At what point do you class her as family? Or do you never, because she is not married to your brother?

Seems a bit harsh and mean to never let them be called auntie or uncle, because it excludes that person from the family, because the couple have chosen to not get married.

My cousin has a partner (Dave,) who she is not married to, and she has been with him 12 years and has 2 kids by him, and her brother's 3 kids most definitely class him as their uncle Dave.

And my friend's daughter who is 21, has been with her boyfriend for 11 months, and they are not even living together, (although they went on holiday in August,) and his 2 sisters class her as a sister-in-law already, and his brother's daughter calls her auntie. Maybe some may say it's too soon. But I don't think it is. She has been with him nearly a year, and is becoming part of the family.

I guess people think differently, but I think it's unfair to dismiss someone and treat them differently, because the couple are not married.

gayleygoo

Of course she is an auntie!

I'm not married to OH but I still consider his sister's boys to be my nephews and she calls me their aunt to them. I have close friends who are called "uncle" or "aunty" to my children - we love them, they're part of our family

Georgiegirl256

pollyanna24 wrote: »

Yes, she is her aunty, but I don't think they meant anything horrible by asking.

What annoys me is that my kids call my ex's friends, uncle and aunty, and I just don't understand why he does this. They have enough real aunts and uncles, and this just confuses the issue. He also has them call his friends' parents, Nanny ..... (whatever their name is) and Grandad ....... (again their name). Again, I don't get this. They have their real nannies and grandads.

The one that really gets me is my ex's gf's parents. My children refer to them as nanny and grandad.

My ex called my cousins my kids' aunty and uncle once and I just thought, No they're not!!! They're their cousins (ok, maybe a few times removed or whatever), so why confuse them?!

When I was little, I used to call my Mam & Dad's close friends Aunty and Uncle, and their kids did the same with my parents too. I guess it's maybe a way of just showing respect to elders? Or just something most people did/do? Again, some close relatives of my Mam's were called Aunty & Uncle.

It didn't confuse me. I knew who my real Aunties and Uncles were, but it was also a term used for a lot of other people too. All my friends were the same with close friends and family.

I do think calling your ex's gf's parents nanny and grandad is taking it abit too far though.

Back to the OP's friends situation though. Even if they thought it, why say anything at all? It'll be interesting to see what the situation is after the friends husband says sonething.

lulu_92

Any update on this? I've been eager for one!

notanewuser

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

When I was little, I used to call my Mam & Dad's close friends Aunty and Uncle, and their kids did the same with my parents too. I guess it's maybe a way of just showing respect to elders? Or just something most people did/do? Again, some close relatives of my Mam's were called Aunty & Uncle.

It didn't confuse me. I knew who my real Aunties and Uncles were, but it was also a term used for a lot of other people too. All my friends were the same with close friends and family.

I still call my parents' friends Auntie and Uncle............ and I'm 37! :rotfl:

lulu_92

notanewuser wrote: »

I still call my parents' friends Auntie and Uncle............ and I'm 37! :rotfl:

:rotfl:

I only had one family friend that I've called an uncle all of my life....and I found out last week he's actually related to me!! :rotfl:

KxMx

It may be they are funny and sniffy about only accepting "blood" relatives.

All I can say to that is, out of 3 blood and one non blood Uncles, it is the latter who is more of an Uncle than the other 3 put together, and then some!

Georgiegirl256

notanewuser wrote: »

I still call my parents' friends Auntie and Uncle............ and I'm 37! :rotfl:

Me too! My god parents (my Mam & Dad's best friends) are always called Aunty & Uncle, it'd be weird not calling them that! I'm closer to them than most of my real ones.