Female friend and Girlfriend

FBaby

Totally agree with you lostinrates, which is why again, it is very difficult to draw conclusions on anyone's behaviour in this situation. OP might have acted in total good faith, so did the friend, up to a stage, so did the girlfriend up to a stage. OP might be totally oblivious that the friend is on a mission to get him back when girlfriend can see it from a mile. Or OP might be totally oblivious that girlfriend is of a possessive type who doesn't want any female, however innocent, close to her new serious boyfriend and the friend can see it from a mile.

Or the friend has no bad intentions, the girlfriend is not possessive, but a few misunderstandings are leading to an over exageration of the situation.

Edwardia

It's much more common, for a woman to go into a relationship with trust issues and have relationship rules/boundaries for her partner as a consequence than for a man to do that.

Many women have never been on the receiving end of that and don't know what it's like to have your phone snooped through, get questioned and checked up on through no fault of your own. Constantly having your integrity, honesty and fidelity doubted isn't pleasant when you know that you don't deserve that.

The person you love should be someone who loves you back, who gets you, with whom you can be yourself. Someone who has your back. The foundation has to be mutual trust, honesty and respect.

If a man was snooping through phone and email, trying to control who his gf talked to, isolating her from friends etc we would call that abusive. But if a woman does the same thing, we write it off as insecurity or as relationship boundaries.

I find the 'I'd be spitting feathers' comment quite alarming. No-one in a relationship should feel like they are in a prison cell. There's some irony in the label 'ball and chain' for wife.

A relationship should be an equal partnership not one partner policing the relationship and dictating - especially not when the rules are based on transgressions by previous partners.

The girlfriend snooped and found flirty messages. OP didn't tell his gf that he was in touch with his ex (wrong) but he knew if he did, he'd get nagged even though he wasn't having a fling with his friend.

The fact that his friend is a diva who sulks for 6 months is his problem. If she's a big PITA he'll drop her. The more gf makes her an issue, the more he'll dig heels in and gf will look like the proverbial bunny boiler.

His gf now feels justified in not moving in bc she found flirty texts she was snooping for. She's feeding her own insecurities.

The gf has to calm down and believe him when he says the flirty texts with the friend mean nothing. If she doesn't trust him, what the heck is she doing contemplating moving in with him for ?

It's no good the gf saying that the friend should back off and getting territorial. IME that leads to Dumpsville. If you don't have to deal with diva-ness life is far less stressful.

lostinrates

Edwardia wrote: »

It's much more common, for a woman to go into a relationship with trust issues and have relationship rules/boundaries for her partner as a consequence than for a man to do that.

Many women have never been on the receiving end of that and don't know what it's like to have your phone snooped through, get questioned and checked up on through no fault of your own. Constantly having your integrity, honesty and fidelity doubted isn't pleasant when you know that you don't deserve that.
"]some men have never experienced it, and some women have experienced it multiple times.
The person you love should be someone who loves you back, who gets you, with whom you can be yourself. Someone who has your back. The foundation has to be mutual trust, honesty and respect.
:money:
agree, absolutely. How this is performed and expressed in relationships and where boundaries are might be different. You have said you'd be comfortable with flirty private communication, I wouldn't be I don't think in THIS relationship but would be with public flirtiness.

If a man was snooping through phone and email, trying to control who his gf talked to, isolating her from friends etc we would call that abusive. But if a woman does the same thing, we write it off as insecurity or as relationship boundaries. expressing discomfort with A friend' boundary and determining not to move in is different from isolating from all friends. Going through personal items unless there boundaries encompass them is wrong. Personally,my husband knows or can find all my log on details and we miss that we can link hot mail accounts as it made life much easier

I find the 'I'd be spitting feathers' comment quite alarming. No-one in a relationship should feel like they are in a prison cell. There's some irony in the label 'ball and chain' for wife.

A relationship should be an equal partnership not one partner policing the relationship and dictating - especially not when the rules are based on transgressions by previous partners.
equal partnership and comfort. Yes. So should the one party continue if they feel uncomfortable with a situation?
The girlfriend snooped and found flirty messages. OP didn't tell his gf that he was in touch with his ex (wrong) but he knew if he did, he'd get nagged even though he wasn't having a fling with his friend.

The fact that his friend is a diva who sulks for 6 months is his problem. If she's a big PITA he'll drop her. The more gf makes her an issue, the more he'll dig heels in and gf will look like the proverbial bunny boiler.

His gf now feels justified in not moving in bc she found flirty texts she was snooping for. She's feeding her own insecurities.

The gf has to calm down and believe him when he says the flirty texts with the friend mean nothing. If she doesn't trust him, what the heck is she doing contemplating moving in with him for ?

It's no good the gf saying that the friend should back off and getting territorial. IME that leads to Dumpsville. If you don't have to deal with diva-ness life is far less stressful.

I think you are right to say the friend ship boundary is his issue to deal with, but is also think that the gf comfort is something for her to deal with and I don't see her action of delaying progression in the relationship as unreasonable. ( I do see 'snooping ' as unreasonable and yet, perhaps she would argue she had instincts which were proven right. )

If one person in a relationship is uncomfortable then compromise should be sought where possible and reasonable. From response to this thread it seems the gf is not wholly unreasonable in her 'insecurity'. I know my relationship with some friends changed in this relationship because it was no longer appropriate for THIS relationship for my interaction to be how it had been.

FBaby

I know my relationship with some friends changed in this relationship because it was no longer appropriate for THIS relationship for my interaction to be how it had been.

I think the question is why? Why was it appropriate before if there was nothing more to the relationship than a friendship but not any longer now that one is with a partner? Surely it is more about the intention than about the way people communicate which can be very different between different individuals?

lostinrates

FBaby wrote: »

I think the question is why? Why was it appropriate before if there was nothing more to the relationship than a friendship but not any longer now that one is with a partner? Surely it is more about the intention than about the way people communicate which can be very different between different individuals?

Well, that's a fair question.

Partly because the nature of this relation ship is different. My husband has different boundaries to me and for our relationship to function we had to work out where we were comfortable.

He gets on very well with an ex sexual partner of mine but was not happy with the idea of me staying there on similar basis to how I had before when sex had been on the agenda even though I was not available and when we discussed his view point I felt it was fair and valid. Similarly I was uncomfortable with him sharing a bed with a friend in halls who was just a friend from his pov but who I was certain held a candle for him. I felt he should see her but get a guest room or stay in a B and B.

In previous relationships neither of these would have been an issue so long as there was openness about them. Its not just about intent its about personality and personal comfort. For example, I'm perfectly happy with nudity, but I don't expect to be allowed to be naked in sainsburies, or feel that everyone who visits us should have to strip. Despite us having no intent to feel sexual about nudity, just feeling its natural, comfortable and nice, I accept it doesn't feel the same to every one, so our boundaries are flexible.....I have friends I happily change in front of, and some I respect with more modest approach.

onomatopoeia99

No-one seems to have covered themselves with glory in this situation, and it appears the OP is long gone.

My take on it is that if I'm going to be in a relationship I have to trust a partner, so I don't care who their friends are, what they say / text to each other etc. I don't want to know unless she wants to tell me.

Doing something behind a partner's back because you know it will upset them is a definite no-no and only storing up trouble for later.

Going into a huff for months and freezing a longstanding friendship over one incident without talking about it is hardly appropriate for adults.

Expecting to have access to a partner's communication is entirely unreasonable. Expecting a partner to stop or restrict how often the see their friends or even a particular friend is entirely unreasonable. Trying to force a partner to choose between an existing friendship or the relationship is as far as I am concerned a good way to end the relationship.

Lest anyone think I don't have insecurities, that couldn't be further from the truth, but I don't see why whatever insecurities I might have should mean any future partner must change her behaviour to accomodate them.


Maybe my outlook is unusual - I'm male but the two friends I am closest to and talk to about personal stuff are both women (neither are ex girlfriends - I find it impossible to maintain friendships with those as I either never want to see them again or still want them too much). I would not give up either friendship at the insistence of a new girlfriend.

babymoo

MBenz wrote: »

I introduced my girlfriend to my female friend early on in the relationship. She was initially excited and happy for me and they both got on well, although my girlfriend said that she was a bit unsure of my female friend from the off. Don't know why.


Then at a party almost a year ago my friend walked out angrily and didn't reply to my text or calls later that night. When we spoke weeks later she said that I hadn't hugged her at the party when she arrived, as I normally do. I was shocked and confused, and felt she was being very childish. She didn't say it was anything to do with my girlfriend, but I suspected it was so we never spoke for 6 months.


Anyway, the flirty text message; she is in Brazil, and had put up a new profile picture of herself on the beach so I said said she looked good. She then replied that she had forgotten her bikini but would wear a bra and thong next time so I said "sounds good, I can't wait to see that! lol" It was meant to be a joke. That's all. Stupid I guess.

If my DP had sent that to someone who I knew, who he had been friends with for longer than I had been in his life then it wouldn't bother me. I would never go into a relationship and expect my boyfriend to change his existing relationships and if I felt the that he needed to then I would question my whole relationship full stop as I would think there is clearly more to it and I wouldn't even try to get in the middle of something that had been going on for so long.

It however could be a case for both sides of trying to be "top dog" in your life .. and let me tell you .. that will never end well.. you can't win whichever girl wins that title i'm afraid.

Brallaqueen

I could be wrong but I get the feeling that the OP has changed since meeting his gf. This isn't bad per se but does have knock on effects for all relationships.

That is something that resonates with me so I feel for the friend a bit - it can be hurtful when a longstanding friendship changes when there is a new partner involved, and that is assuming no underlying desire to rekindle.

The gf may also be struggling to deal with an ex so very much still a part of the ops life and be that much more sensitive to transgressions. I think a lot of people would find it difficult.

Indie_Kid

babymoo wrote: »

I would never go into a relationship and expect my boyfriend to change his existing relationships and if I felt the that he needed to then I would question my whole relationship full stop as I would think there is clearly more to it and I wouldn't even try to get in the middle of something that had been going on for so long.

I don't think anyone's suggesting he should change his existing relationships.

Edwardia

I discussed this with my husband over dinner earlier this evening. His feeling was that generally it's the gf, in his experience, who gets ditched.

OH feels that in some instances female friends do hold a candle for male friends, regardless of whether they are exes or not and that there can be some jealousy towards a gf.

He says however that the female friend doesn't have to actively do anything against the gf, since an insecure woman will hang herself with rope all by herself by acting in a jealous and possessive manner.