Female friend and Girlfriend

Pollycat

MBenz wrote: »

I'm with you...I'd choose my girl every time.

TBH, based on what you've said below, you may not get the chance to choose your girlfriend over your friend.

MBenz wrote: »

I don't see that I deliberately did anything wrong. I didn't tell my girlfriend about communicating with the friend because I know how uneasy she feels about her.

MBenz wrote: »

I guess I can be stubborn because I don't feel I'm in the wrong because I try to keep everyone happy.
I feel she's being unreasonable as she knows how I feel about her, that she's important to me. She was very angry and we both said some unkind things during the argument which is why we're having this cooling off period. I'm reluctant to call her because I know she'll bring it up again and I'm not sure what to do next.

I know that if my partner couldn't see what he'd done wrong and didn't feel he was in the wrong and felt I was being unreasonable in identical circumstances as this, he'd be history.

If you do get a second chance, I think you need to seriously consider how this friend is going to figure in your lives - you and your girlfriend's lives.

System

MBenz wrote: »

I introduced my girlfriend to my female friend early on in the relationship. She was initially excited and happy for me and they both got on well, although my girlfriend said that she was a bit unsure of my female friend from the off. Don't know why.

lindsaygalaxy wrote: »

When I was younger I dated a guy who was best friends with a women. they had also dated in the past. I then found them flirting to be told they were just good friends and nothing to worry about. My instincts told me differently and it was only after finding out I was pregnant that it turned out they had been sleeping together!

(cut/edited for brevity)

My OH is my best friend although there are times when I confide with my female friends (usually over girly things). I find instincts are generally pretty good and if your gf senses something is up it probably is.

There's a lot to be said for intuition. MBenz your girlfriend is picking up on things you may not be consciously aware of.

Ziggazee

My advice......be careful.

Speaking from experience, female friends can be very dangerous territory. When I met my boyfriend he'd had a female friend for a long time. There had never been any romantic involvement with them whatsoever. As our relationship progressed, this friend became increasingly unfriendly and rude towards me, to the point where even he noticed it. This progressed to her sending him text messages telling him she thought he should be with her not me, that she was finding him a hard habit to break, picking on the fact me and him had different tastes in music......generally anything to try and cause problems and poison mine and his relationship. She would go out of her way to text him when she knew we were spending time together and even went so far as to make up a boyfriend to try and get him jealous. Things came to a head when she called me horrendous names and I told him to choose between me and her (we had been together over 3 years at this point and had moved in together).
I honestly don't think she ever had any feelings for him, she'd just had her nose put out of joint because her friend had met someone and she wasn't centre of attention anymore.

Perhaps you should think how you would feel if your partner was the one sending flirtatious texts to another man

tea_lover

MBenz wrote: »

I don't see that I deliberately did anything wrong. I didn't tell my girlfriend about communicating with the friend because I know how uneasy she feels about her.

This would be the deal-breaker for me - patronisingly deciding what your gf needs to know about and what should be kept from her, "for her own good".

If your partner is going to have a problem with something you do, the adult response is to talk to them, to try and find a solution that both are happy with. Not to carry on and do what you like, but lie about it for a quiet life.

After all, if you're happy to lie about contact with your ex what else would you lie about? This time it's a text, could just as easily be phone calls, an evening out, sleeping together. All of which you don't mention to your gf for her own benefit of course, because she feels "uneasy".

You've lied, and you don't think you've done anything wrong - that's the problem, not the exact content of a text message. Can you really not see the difference?

FatVonD

Your ex sounds like she wants to be the centre of attention whether she wants to be with you or not. Just out of interest, who broke up with who when you were together?

I can totally understand why your GF is peed off, women can usually pretty quickly work out the agenda of other women while men are still oblivious to what's right in front of their face.

Not speaking to you for 6 months because you didn't hug her sounds like she wanted to rub your girlfriends's face in the fact she could still have you if she wanted to.

sulphate

MBenz wrote: »

I guess I can be stubborn because I don't feel I'm in the wrong because I try to keep everyone happy. I have had lots of conversations with my girlfriend, early on in our relationship about my friend, but last week she accused me of 'emotionally' cheating on her and just went on and on about the text message.

Just to add on to my first post.

You don't mention if you view this as a serious long-term relationship. If you don't this won't be relevant to you. If you do then you will need to get out of this mindset. For me, my husband comes first before everyone else and I feel like I am #1 in his life too. There is no "competition" between each other and anyone else in our lives for this reason.

Your girlfriend clearly doesn't feel like she is your #1.

comeandgo

I work in a male dominated industry, have lots of male friends who I keep in touch with but never, never would they comment on my body or hoping to see it. That would totally put our friendship at risk and I'd never pass flirty comments on their bodies either. I think your friendship has passed certain boundaries that your girlfriend does not like and I can't say I blame her.

BarryBlue

It seems to me that the OP has to make a simple decision - friend or girlfriend. There will be no solution while they are both still on the scene. One or the other has to be consigned to history.

The sensible thing would be to bin off the girlfriend. If she stays, she will never let him forget the fact. The casual friendship with the other woman can probably still be saved if that's the road he wishes to go down. It is then up to the OP whether he moves that onto a proper relationship or takes up with someone else altogether.

There is probably a lesson to be learned in that a platonic friendship with the opposite sex will always get in the way. My experience from many years ago is that the 'friend' will usually end up as rather more, given the chance.

Raggie

not a regular poster in this forum.. (or any if you check the post count.. )

Just my 2p's worth.. I always had a number of female friends, way more females than males.. which was fine for many years.. but my experience is eventually it leads to "complications"..

so please OP manage this well



Rags.

Pollycat

sulphate wrote: »

You don't mention if you view this as a serious long-term relationship. If you don't this won't be relevant to you. If you do then you will need to get out of this mindset. For me, my husband comes first before everyone else and I feel like I am #1 in his life too. There is no "competition" between each other and anyone else in our lives for this reason.

Your girlfriend clearly doesn't feel like she is your #1.

From what the OP said in his first post, he does see it as a serious relationship.

MBenz wrote: »

I have been dating a lovely woman for the past 18 months whom I really want to settle down with and have asked her to move in with me.

I fear he has got things very wrong indeed.