Female friend and Girlfriend

System

Pollycat wrote: »

But did you date your very close male friend at some point in your past before you met your OH?

If you didn't, it's not a fair comparison to the OP's situation.

The OP did date this friend.

I dated mine for nearly 3 years :eek:

But we;ve been just friends for 7 years. I honestly (and this will sound creepy give we once dated but i dont mean it to) see him as more of a brother nowadays. I accept its not a common occurance but we split on good terms and realized we were better as friends. Not once in the 7 years we have been friends have there ever been feelings or anything like that. His gf was accepting of me since day one and i now consider her one of my best friends too.

That said in order to be friends after we split, i did insist of no contact for a month or two. I do think when there is romantic history there needs to be space to get over the relationship, and time for a genuine friendship to develop. Otherwise boundaries like in the OPs case may be crossed, as i do get the feeling the female friend may have still had feelings for him hecne the outbust over not getting a hug. That's when i think being friends with exes can turn into dodgy territory.

McKneff

As for the flirty text..... its all very well saying now 'it is just a bit of fun or something along those lines.


But hey, think back to those few seconds that you composed the text and sent it, now be honest, I bet you a pound to a penny it wasn't a bit of banter and you really really meant what you said... if you cant be honest with us, you should be honest with yourself.

Pollycat

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

I dated mine for nearly 3 years :eek:

But we;ve been just friends for 7 years. I honestly (and this will sound creepy give we once dated but i dont mean it to) see him as more of a brother nowadays. I accept its not a common occurance but we split on good terms and realized we were better as friends. Not once in the 7 years we have been friends have there ever been feelings or anything like that. His gf was accepting of me since day one and i now consider her one of my best friends too.

That said in order to be friends after we split, i did insist of no contact for a month or two. I do think when there is romantic history there needs to be space to get over the relationship, and time for a genuine friendship to develop. Otherwise boundaries like in the OPs case may be crossed, as i do get the feeling the female friend may have still had feelings for him hecne the outbust over not getting a hug. That's when i think being friends with exes can turn into dodgy territory.

I think it's great that you can be friends with an ex.
And I don't think it sounds creepy at all that you see him as a brother now.
I'm assuming he doesn't send 'flirty' texts in response to a picture of you in a bikini.

But - I will re-post this (originally addressed @ Fbaby) , because I don't think your situation is in any way similar to the triangle the OP is in:

Pollycat wrote: »

But I'm assuming you didn't throw a massive strop lasting for 6 months because this person didn't hug you - more than a decade after your relationship ended.

seven-day-weekend

I don't think texting that you would like to see your ex-girlfriend in a thong is harmless (or her sending photos of herself in a bikini) and I would be angry/upset if I was your current partner.

Keep the correct boundaries.

duchy

FBaby wrote: »

Not the friend I was thinking of, but I remainedfor a while very close friend with someone I dated before where there was no ambiguity left whatsoever. We both appreciated that we had much in common which meant we could be good friends, but the differences were such that we would never have made it as a couple. I could look at him and feel absolutely nothing romantic for that person and I am very sure it was the same for them.

Would you have played "Look at me" stratagies to keep his attention like trowing tantrums and not speaking to him over something unimportant just because he had a new girlfriend though ?

Motives apart though OP you talk about how this woman was there for you when your marriage split up- had your back etc .......yet she also refused to talk to you for six months..........Does not compute as a lifetime friend. Who the heck does that to real friend over the age of 13 anyway ?

Whether she wants a relationship with you isn't the point. The point is she feel possessive of you and wants to be important to you- and sees your relationship as a threat to that. Your GF is a smart lady and can see you are been manipulated- Yes manipulated- if yu don't lie to her about other things -why lie about getting back in contact with this woman.

Either you love and respect your GF enough to share everything with her ...including texts and bunny boiler type encounters- or you don't and there's no future in your relationship.

BTW I bet if told your "friend" you think you and your girl may have split - she'd be saying "Meet me for a drink" faster than it'd take you to finish the sentence. Whether she wants you as a boyfriend or not isn't the point- she has a void in her life that she sees you as filling and resents you putting anyone else before that.

System

If my man had sent this text:


Anyway, the flirty text message; she is in Brazil, and had put up a new profile picture of herself on the beach so I said said she looked good. She then replied that she had forgotten her bikini but would wear a bra and thong next time so I said "sounds good, I can't wait to see that! lol


I would be spitting feathers. As well as very hurt.

FatVonD

FBaby wrote: »

I would never have dated telling my now husband who he could be friends with or not. The line hasn't been crossed yet between the OP and the friend. So what they had a banter text, would it be shocking if it had been said to a male friend? The reality is that the new girlfriend feels insecure and threaten by another woman.

Regardless of whether or not anything physical has happened or is ever likely to happen the OP has crossed a line that, not only is his GF unhappy with, but he KNEW she would be unhappy with so he did it in secret.

Had he commented on her FB page then fair enough but he didn't, he texted, probably because he knew his GF would hit the roof so he did it privately so she wouldn't see it. You may not have minded but, within the confines of their relationship (and they don't appear to be in a minority) it was unacceptable.

FBaby wrote: »

She needs to get over this and start trusting OP rather than assume that he will be up to no good with that friend just because she is female.

She did trust the OP, she trusted that her BF wouldn't rekindle a friendship with an ex behind her back, keep it a secret for 6 months and that he wouldn't be sending flirty texts to her commenting on pictures of her in a bikini. Unfortunately the OP didn't deserve her trust and it is up to him now to try to regain it.

She, perfectly reasonably, has decided that she now doesn't want to move in with the OP (and leave herself homeless the next time he behaves inappropriately if she then decides to end the relationship) and good for her, it sounds like a very sensible decision. She hasn't ended the relationship, she just won't move in, the ball is now in the OP's court to win her trust back though I think the OP's own ego will stop him from cutting off the ex in which case the relationship is doomed.

Edwardia

Girlfriend is in the wrong.

Getting into a relationship with someone should never mean jettisoning friends, regardless of gender.

A person isn't property but all too often, women allow their insecurities and jealousy to swamp their rationality and try and dictate how the other person should behave, whom they should see etc.

I've been in relationships with women and I've also been the female friend of straight and bisexual men with girlfriends giving them grief so I've seen both sides.

There is nothing wrong with flirtation between friends if that's all it is.

However, IMO the going-behind-girlfriend's-back stuff IS wrong. Relationships are built on trust and honesty. So not telling her that you've reconciled with friend was wrong and yes it will make an insecure jealous woman add 2 + 2 and come up with 11.

Jealousy is not an attractive trait, however much jealous people try and say it means they care. Jealousy is them putting their insecurities ahead of loving you.

FBaby

Would you have played "Look at me" stratagies to keep his attention like trowing tantrums and not speaking to him over something unimportant just because he had a new girlfriend though ?

Well, I didn't conclude that is what happened, I think there was a big misunderstanding that day. To me, it doesn't make sense that if you do have feelings for a friends, you are all happy with the girlfriend, showing no issues with the relationship until 6 months later.

There is nothing wrong with flirtation between friends if that's all it is.

Totally agree especially when it has always been part of the friendship. Some friends of my hubby love to flirt with me, give me sweet names etc... I know just as much as my hubby does that they would never disrespect him and do anything else, and I certainly wouldn't even contemplate it. I love him, he knows it and that's the end of it.

I tried to reassure her that the text meant nothing and it's just how my female friend and I banter.

She is showing a lack of trust in him if she couldn't accept his response above and deciding that it was innapropriate. It wasn't too him. There is a difference between saying that she trusts him that this sort of banter is part of their relationship and is in no way indication that there is more between them, but that it does make her feel uncomfortable and would he mind if he kept it down a bit, rather than saying that it was innapropriate, which is a matter of opinion.

She did trust the OP, she trusted that her BF wouldn't rekindle a friendship with an ex behind her back.

I do kind of agree with this. It depends on the context, ie. if she said something like 'I wonder what x is up to' and OP said 'I have no idea', or whether there were no real opportunity beyond 'oh by the way, you remember x, she sent me a text and I decided to send her one back'.

pickledonionspaceraider

The facts are:- If you carry on as you are - you will end up single.

Your girlfriend is firing warning shots. Do not dismiss these as her being 'slightly fed up' - you are a hairs width of being kicked to the kerb over this.

The friend you have a flirty relationship with, is actually an EX, who seems more important to you than your girlfriend, this is proved in the fact that you are so desperate to cling on to your friend, that you LIE to your girlfriend about it.