Female friend and Girlfriend

FatVonD

Edwardia wrote: »

The girlfriend snooped and found flirty messages. OP didn't tell his gf that he was in touch with his ex (wrong) but he knew if he did, he'd get nagged even though he wasn't having a fling with his friend.

Why do you assume she snooped? I would never snoop into my DH's phone but many a time we've both sat in bed looking at something on, for instance, ebay and a text message will appear while we're looking. Mt DS charges his phone through the computer and if a text comes through the screen will light up and display it.

Why do you assume she was snooping when the OP says she 'saw' a text message?

Pollycat

FBaby wrote: »

I personally don't see how this makes such a huge difference. If anything, I think I would feel more secure if they had dated before because it means they've tried and realised it wasn't right, rather then always wondering 'what if'.

Yes, but that is you in your relationship.

The point I was making to Edwardia is that her post is based on her experiences.

The OP has said he did date this friend.

And I happen to think that this does make a huge difference.
Maybe not in your situation for the reasons you've outlined (which incidentally I don't disagree with), but I think that this friend is still carrying a torch for the OP (or at least doesn't want him to have a steady relationship with someone else in case it spoils their friendship) and that's why I think - in this specific situation as outlined by the OP - the fact that he did date this woman at some time in the past is important.

Pollycat

babymoo wrote: »

If my DP had sent that to someone who I knew, who he had been friends with for longer than I had been in his life then it wouldn't bother me.

Well, I would tend to agree with you on that.

However.......it's not just a message to someone the OP knew before he met his girlfriend, is it?
It's tied in with the fact that the OP either lied or withheld the truth about the fact that he'd restarted contact with this friend.

MBenz wrote: »

My girlfriend said it was inappropriate and questions why I still want to remain friends with this woman after she stopped talking to me for six months recently due to my relationship with my girlfriend. We have since reconciled, but my girlfriend is very unhappy about it and is no longer willing to move in with me. She says she doesn't mind the friendship with this woman but feels that I have destroyed her trust in me because I never told her that we had resumed regular contact and she went crazy about what she calls 'the flirty the text messages.'

So how would you feel if your OH did that?

FBaby

Pollycat wrote: »

but I think that this friend is still carrying a torch for the OP (or at least doesn't want him to have a steady relationship with someone else in case it spoils their friendship) and that's why I think - in this specific situation as outlined by the OP - the fact that he did date this woman at some time in the past is important.

Indeed, that's what you think, but we don't know that, it is just what most have assumed and that's what it comes down to, because I do agree with you, if indeed the friend still has romantic feelings for the OP, it does change the dynamics of the situation. I do agree that it would be innapropriate to remain CLOSE friend with someone who has feelings for you when you are in a new relationship.

I just think that it is more common to blame the friend's supposed feelings in such circumstances rather than the new girlfriend jealousy/possessiveness, that's because it is easier to portray her as the victim. I think both scenario happen equally.

FBaby

She says she doesn't mind the friendship with this woman but feels that I have destroyed her trust in me because I never told her that we had resumed regular contact

Again, it very much depends on the circumstances. How long have they been in touch again? Only by texts or have they met since? Is it a case that he was intending to tell her, but was waiting for the right occasion to do so (rather than 'by the way...), or was he planning on keeping it quiet.

As Edwardia said, many times people keep things quiet not because they have intentions to do things they shouldn't do but because they are worried that it is going to raise issues that are none existent in the first place. It is a self-fulfilling prothecy where the more people tend to over-react on things, the more likely people will keep things from them, even when they are totally innocent.

tattycath

For what it's worth. You were in the wrong by hiding (from your girlfriend) the fact you had rekindled your friendship.
Is your friend single? In my experience, women who are lacking in confidence and insecure within themselves will always see a single female friend (of their partner) as a threat and it will add to their insecurities. This is your girlfriend's problem-not your friend's.
I would not dump my friends for a relationship and if my partner really loved me - they wouldn't ask.

FatVonD

But the girlfriend (in what I'm beginning to believe is a hypothetical situation) hasn't said he has to drop the friend, they had continued to see her for the first 6 months of their relationship, it was the friend/ex that got into a huff and put the friendship on hold because the OP didn't hug her.

If anybody has been displaying signs of insecure behaviour it is the friend/ex, not the GF. I disagree with others that think that she is holding a flame for the OP though, she just sounds needy and attention seeking and wants the ego boost of thinking that the OP finds her attractive.

Brallaqueen

Why does the GF have to know that the OP is in contact with his old friend? That seems like an over reaction and a bit controlling to me. He's a grown man and is allowed to have friends, why does the GF have to be in the know?

sulphate

Brallaqueen wrote: »

Why does the GF have to know that the OP is in contact with his old friend? That seems like an over reaction and a bit controlling to me. He's a grown man and is allowed to have friends, why does the GF have to be in the know?

Most serious long-term relationships rely on trust and openness, not hiding who your friends are.

If a relationship has to be a secret (that goes for any relationship including friendships, not just romantic relationships) you probably shouldn't be in it...

FBaby

sulphate wrote: »

Most serious long-term relationships rely on trust and openness, not hiding who your friends are.

If a relationship has to be a secret (that goes for any relationship including friendships, not just romantic relationships) you probably shouldn't be in it...

For it to be secretive, there has to be intent to make it so, and that's what we don't know. I don't tell my OH everything, as a matter of fact, his mum always jokes about whether we actually communicate because we tend to forget to tell each other things, but that's because we have a busy life, not because we go about our ways to keep things secret.

That reminds me, I am going with some friends next week-end, I better hurry up and tell him before he thinks I am keeping it secret and he reads a text about our arrangement!