Female friend and Girlfriend

lostinrates

FBaby wrote: »

That reminds me, I am going with some friends next week-end, I better hurry up and tell him before he thinks I am keeping it secret and he reads a text about our arrangement!

Well, there is a perfect example of different boundaries working in relationships. Because for FIR and I weekends are our only times together they tend to be pretty organised, and we do have to communicate if we are booking something in and check with each other that's ok. Parly BECAUSE we don't live together I think its easier bizarrely, as a quick email sorts out this kind of 'personal admin'.

Of course, if an opportunity came up at short notice we'd be open to it and approach it, but that pretty much is 'our time'. If we spent nights together every night our boundaries over weekends and how LANs are made might well be different. I cannot remember Tm how we used to arrange things tbh.

duchy

*some * people keep secrets or info from their partner in case it causes issues ...............others don't.

If I felt I had to lie (even by omission) to my OH about who I'd spoken to, see, texted with then I'd feel we had a problem .

Had he had a falling out with someone (especially one of long standing) and was pleased they were speaking again...... I'd think it really odd he hadn't mentioned it- and would wonder why he hadn't.

FBaby wrote: »

Again, it very much depends on the circumstances. How long have they been in touch again? Only by texts or have they met since? Is it a case that he was intending to tell her, but was waiting for the right occasion to do so (rather than 'by the way...), or was he planning on keeping it quiet.

As Edwardia said, many times people keep things quiet not because they have intentions to do things they shouldn't do but because they are worried that it is going to raise issues that are none existent in the first place. It is a self-fulfilling prothecy where the more people tend to over-react on things, the more likely people will keep things from them, even when they are totally innocent.

sulphate

FBaby wrote: »

For it to be secretive, there has to be intent to make it so, and that's what we don't know. I don't tell my OH everything, as a matter of fact, his mum always jokes about whether we actually communicate because we tend to forget to tell each other things, but that's because we have a busy life, not because we go about our ways to keep things secret.

That reminds me, I am going with some friends next week-end, I better hurry up and tell him before he thinks I am keeping it secret and he reads a text about our arrangement!

Well of course and that's where the difference lies. There's a difference between forgetting to mention something and lying or even lying by omission. As you say further info required.

FBaby

Been there with week-end evenings being our time only, we're married now

Seriously, before we met, we both had boys/girls out that are still going on and we are grateful that we are both still invited to. These are planned in advance, and we normally tell each other about them 1 to 2 weeks prior but they don't come as a surprise because they tend to be regular set-ups. If it clashed with something we'd planned, our couple plan would definitely take precedence. We then have the nights out where we are invited together, then the nights we can't be bothered to go out and are just happy to cuddle on the sofa. Usually, after a few weeks without an evening out together, one will bring it up and we agree a date!

Ultimately, it is what works for the couple. We are both independent and highly value our friendships, so we both agree from the start that we would try not to compromise these. So far, we are both happy with the balance.

Indie_Kid

I briefly dated someone last year who kept phoning this woman right in front of me and claimed she was his ex, which I found rather odd. I was then informed (he doesn't know that I know) that she was in fact his girlfriend...

we do have to communicate if we are booking something in and check with each other that's ok.

My parents do this too. But I think it's more "are we doing something else?" more than anything else.

lostinrates

FBaby wrote: »

Ultimately, it is what works for the couple. .

Exactly. That might be different in different relationships with the same individuals