Female friend and Girlfriend

bagpussbear

You overstepped the boundary over this flirty text, which was bang out of order when you are in a relationship with someone else. Not surprised your girlfriend went mad over it.

Your friend was obviously very jealous to drop you when you got with your girlfriend, not much of a friend in my opinion! So why the hell did you rekindle the the friendship with her.

Honestly, if I was in your girlfriend's shoes, I'd be calling it a day with you for 2 reasons - firstly because you've overstepped the boundary over the flirty texts and secondly you are too close to this female friend for it to ever be platonic.

It is you the one that's being unreasonable.

FBaby

So you had an arguement with your friend which probably resulted from a misunderstanding. It sounds like there was more to it and YOU assumed it was to do with your girlfriend. I expected it wasn't, at least not because of jealousy.

The problem is that your relationship is still very fresh. To be fair, if I had read such text with my then boyfriend, I would have felt a bit on my guards, but certainly not enough to make a fuss. 5 years later, I would laugh it off, probably tell him that he wished!!!

If a choice between making extra efforts to reassure your girlfriend until she is more confident and understanding of your relationship with your friend, although once you move in together, you should expect this to happen naturally, or you dish the friend, but accept that this might be the start of your girlfriend control over you that she make big demands and expect you to do as she says every time.

shelley_crow

Something similar cropped up for me recently, OH'S 'friend' was sending inappropriate texts, demanding inappropriate compliments. From what I gather, she has self esteem issues and gets a kick out of flirtation from people she knows are unavailable.

Sorry OP but if I were your girlfriend, I'd be cutting you loose. Oh's friends' shenanigans almost finished us after 10 years, seems he was the last person to see the agenda she had. My OH was very defensive of her, which rankled but it was only when he pictured me sending the same messages to another man that made him realise she was fishing for compliments.

Azmataz

MBenz wrote: »

Although I dated my friend 15 years ago, I have no intention of ever dating her again.

I thought from your earlier posts that you shared purely a platonic relationship with your friend in the past. In light of the actual romantic nature of your history, your OH's true reservation is that you have rekindled it. That history with this friend (an 'ex') obviously complicates things in your OH's eyes since you kept quiet about resuming contact. It's a no-brainer really, isn't it?

Pollycat

MBenz wrote: »

She says she doesn't mind the friendship with this woman but feels that I have destroyed her trust in me because I never told her that we had resumed regular contact and she went crazy about what she calls 'the flirty the text messages.'

This was wrong.
I would feel you had destroyed my trust in you too.

MBenz wrote: »

I don't see that I deliberately did anything wrong. I didn't tell my girlfriend about communicating with the friend because I know how uneasy she feels about her. I am just trying to reach a happy medium and hang on to the woman I love - my girlfriend, without hurting my friend. This is distressing because my girlfriend and I haven't spoken since we argued on Wednesday night.

You lied by omission.
I can totally understand why your girlfriend is not happy.

MBenz wrote: »

Then at a party almost a year ago my friend walked out angrily and didn't reply to my text or calls later that night. When we spoke weeks later she said that I hadn't hugged her at the party when she arrived, as I normally do. I was shocked and confused, and felt she was being very childish. She didn't say it was anything to do with my girlfriend, but I suspected it was so we never spoke for 6 months.

This sounds very petty and if I were her male friend I would be questioning her motives.
If I were the girlfriend of the man with this female friend, I would be questioning her motives even harder.

warehouse

I think you want to have your cake and eat it.

lindsaygalaxy

When I was younger I dated a guy who was best friends with a women. they had also dated in the past. I then found them flirting to be told they were just good friends and nothing to worry about. My instincts told me differently and it was only after finding out I was pregnant that it turned out they had been sleeping together!


However on the other side I have several male friends that are good friends - not best friends - that I am still friends with BUT I would never flirt with and never meet in secret.


I also have a friend whose husband ha d a best female friend at work. He would even go round and cook dinner for her/go out for lunch/ confide in. My friend always said she didn't worry about it. However, this friend would be all nice and friendly infront of her husband but if they bumped into each other in town she would ignore her. One day they had a big argument. He went around to the friends house. and she tried it on. My friends husband told my friend and he hasn't spoken to her since.
My OH is my best friend although there are times when I confide with my female friends (usually over girly things). I find instincts are generally pretty good and if your gf senses something is up it probably is.

tea_lover

So you're hiding being in touch with an ex (which is what she is) from your current gf, you've gone behind her back to send questionable messages and you still can't see why your gf doesn't trust you??

I think she (your gf) is absolutely right not to trust you.

sulphate

bagpussbear wrote: »

You overstepped the boundary over this flirty text, which was bang out of order when you are in a relationship with someone else. Not surprised your girlfriend went mad over it.

Your friend was obviously very jealous to drop you when you got with your girlfriend, not much of a friend in my opinion! So why the hell did you rekindle the the friendship with her.

Honestly, if I was in your girlfriend's shoes, I'd be calling it a day with you for 2 reasons - firstly because you've overstepped the boundary over the flirty texts and secondly you are too close to this female friend for it to ever be platonic.

It is you the one that's being unreasonable.

Have to agree with this post the most. The text message you sent is inappropriate and I think your worst crime so far is not seeing the problem, rather than the actual content of the message. I wouldn't like to see that text on my husband's phone. I realize you only meant it as a joke but when something is written down it can be taken in a different way than you intended. Not just by your girlfriend, but also by your friend.

I also agree that the friend making a fuss about you not given her a hug and not speaking to you for months, screams ulterior motive.

You saying you want to keep everyone happy is you being very naive. You may have to accept that you will lose one of them in this process.

How close are you with this friend? How often do you see each other or exchange texts? Honestly, it sounds like your whole relationship with her is inappropriate.

My first serious relationship ended for a number of reasons but one of them was that he had this close friendship with a friend of mine that they managed to hide over a number of months. One night we went out with a group of friends and got lost on the way there, she kept ringing him constantly. At the end of the night he got back to my car before me, when I went back and I found her sitting in the driver's seat. I remember thinking how odd it was because as far as I knew they never spoke. When I asked him about it, turns out he used to delete all her text messages in case I saw them and she often called him asking his advice on relationships. He accused me of being paranoid/possessive/overreacting. I never really trusted him after that and the relationship ended a few months later. They hooked up almost immediately after and are still together 6+ years on. I learnt to trust my intuition after that. :rotfl:

lulu_92

At my old work we were all really good friends. There was probably about 20 of us in the group, more girls than boys but it never gets mentioned. I started going out with my OH and a few months later we had a wave of new staff, one of which quickly became one of my best friends. He would take me home from work and we would see each other all the time. Yes, there was banter between us but we both knew it was jokes. OH didn't mind in the slightest, it was everyone else we worked with that made it difficult. Someone decided to tell everyone that we had gotten up to stuff in front of my OH at a party (yeah because that's what you do if you're gonna cheat on someone, do it in their eyeline :rotfl: ) OH wasn't bothered because he knew the truth. He did however break up with me once because on another staff night out one of our friends was very drunk and kept trying to run around the minibus so I grabbed him and made him sit down (he ended up sitting on my lap) and OH was fuming even though nothing was going on at all (and again, if I was going to cheat, why would I choose to do it when OH could see!) (OH was also smashed and gets a bit emotional when he's had a few. We got over this incident very quickly)

With OH and I we know that we have banter with our friends and it can be taken out of context, but we both know it's only a joke. We trust each other and know that we may have flirty banter with other people but we both know that we will be the ones going home together every time.

ETA - this friend I first mentioned now has a girlfriend and rarely talks to me now. His girlfriend is jealous of many of the girls in our group because of said flirty banter but doesn't have an issue with me.