i am so unhappy - dont know what to do(long)

westernpromise

I'm baffled by these suggestions that you need counselling and you need therapy. You sound completely rational to me. If anybody in this situation needs their head examined it isn't you, it's the family of scum you've married into.

From what you've said I conclude that:-

1/ your OH is a moral and physical coward who doesn't care about you very much
2/ you are, technically, in an abusive relationship
3/ your children are absorbing all this and stand an elevated chance of repeating it in their own lives
4/ your 2-year-old is being damaged already because you're having trouble bonding with her.

Sorry but there it is. There are 3 people who stand to be damaged here.

I've got 2 sprogs and when they were that age (well one of them still is) I couldn't stop cooing over them and playing with them. And I'm given to understand I'm a frosty ba5tard. So Ford only knows what's happened to you to make you ice over like this when you've got an adorable little 'un who needs you. Millions of years of evolution have programmed 2-year-olds to be irresistible to women. If you find yours isn't, there is something badly wrong.

Would you still stay in this house and this marriage if you had anywhere else to go? I don’t think you would, would you? So in your shoes that's what I'd sort out. I'd arrange a bolt-hole and then see if I feel like using it the next time anything happens.

Be methodical. Start by separating your affairs from his, financial and otherwise. You’re an MSEer - come up with some bull5hit excuse for why you need separate bank accounts. Work through your house room by room and identify everything in it that's yours and that you'd want to take. Start the process of packing - "just to make space, dear".

Liquidate your £20k assets. You'll be needing that to fund a home. Identify a suitable area you could stand to live in. This should be as far away as possible consistent with keeping the kids in the same school. Or perhaps near your parents, if they are still on the scene - they may be able to help with temporary accommodation. Alternatively, make plans to move them to a new school.

Make a timetable. In two years' time the youngest will be starting school. That could be a good time. You could move them to a new school together so they'll have each other for company.

Confide in a friend. Tell her everything you've told us. Consult a family lawyer too. You will get probably 70 to 80% of the assets, but it will take a couple of years for you to do so, so you'll need your own money to tide you over and you'll need the children to be old enough that you can work during the day until it happens.

You've drifted by small increments into what any rational person would consider an intolerable situation. You wouldn't sign up for this today, would you? Exactly. The trouble is that we don’t knock stakes in the ground as we go along and so we can never really look back and say "There -- right there -- was where it started to go wrong." If you cast your mind back to what life used to be like, there used to be fun, companionship, romance, great sex….gradually something went wrong with them all, but you can have all those things again.

A mate of mine is getting divorced and even though he's getting taken to the cleaners financially, he's actually having fun for the first time in 20 years. He's dating women who care about his happiness, something he'd got used to nobody giving a toss about.

The children will adjust. It will be tough and they'll wonder where daddy is but they'll still see daddy and if your kids' school is like mine there'll be plenty of other single mothers. You sound lovely and I can't believe a woman like you would stay single for very long anyway.

KittyKate

Wow - that's a strong post above, but I'm finding myself agreeing with every word. Cheapchick, you deserve so, so much more than this hun. And so do your kiddies. I normally would never suggest leaving, but in your case I genuinely believe it to be in you and your little ones best interests.

Please have a long, hard think about what would make you happy, feel safe, loved, and relaxed. Sorry to say it but your 'nightmare' inlaws will never truly go away and if hubby doesn't care enough to defend his pregnant wife from being assaulted, much less really stand up for you against his family's relentless bullying, then you can't feel valued.

You owe yourself a chance to prove you can have a happier life than this.

cheapchick_3

well things have quietened down -NOT. it appears that all the in laws are coming regardless of what my oh has said, and he's not responding atm.

we were out on sat night, and i was sitting on my own whilst oh was talking football with his mates. anyway one of my male friends came over for a chat and i let everything out (he has confided in me before when he felt troubled, and no there is definitely nothing else there) and i am sure that we had a confidential chat. he gave me good advice and made me realise that i do have a passion for life and that i am strong (basically he's given me the same advice as westernpromise). he thinks i should follow my head on this one and that what i have been going through is unacceptable, he has also offered me help in finding accommodation.

i'm confused to know whether to move out on thurs or not, i could go to my ex bil's for the short term until i find permanent accommodation. or go to my cousins (500 miles away) and stay with her. either way i am determined that the children should have their holiday regardless. and i have left a message on my lawyer friends phone asking her to ring me asap.

westernpromise

Don't do anything too off-the-cuff. You need to be in a position where, if he doesn't play ball, you don't care - you can get by without him.

Do talk to your lawyer freind and if you need moral support we are here.

kathy206

(((hugs))) to you and your kids cheap chick, your family in laws sound like a nightmare. I haven't got much to add to the other posts, are you sure that your kids will enjoy a holiday where people are just barging in and taking over without a thought for your or your husband's feelings? I know you don't want to disappoint your kids but as it stands with all that lot gate crashing and making you feel wretched with their snide put downs it sounds as much fun as drilling a hole in your foot. Happy mum happy kids IMHO
I wholeheartedly agree with westernpromise, seek legal advice, (for your position if/when you leave AND keeping family in laws away from you and your house whatever you decide). I believe you may have experienced some degree of PND as a reaction to the trauma you witnessed whilst pregnant and also the constant drip drip drip of vitriol coming from hubby's family over the years, which has prevented you from bonding with your dd. I'm relieved that you are seeing your GP re this. You have come a long way since your first post, big respect to you for that, it's obvious you are feeling stronger than you were. I am glad your husband is making some effort to support you,however I feel this is too little too late, had he taken a stand from the start then maybe his mother may have taken him seriously...don't let him be taken in by emotional blackmail from his mother... she has a large family to look after her, she'll be fine, believe me. It seems a little trivial to say good luck, but I mean this from the heart, not much else to say really (although I do seem to have rambled on a bit.. lol) just wanted to offer a bit more support, my very best wishes, Kathyx

Pandora123_2

westernpromise wrote: »

I'm baffled by these suggestions that you need counselling and you need therapy. You sound completely rational to me. If anybody in this situation needs their head examined it isn't you, it's the family of scum you've married into.

I must disagree with this part of your post.

I believe counselling/therapy, whatever you want to call it, would be a tremendous help to cheapchick. Her OH and his family sound extremely dyisfunctional, but if she does not learn WHY she chose this path in life, she is destined to make the same mistake again with someone else. People who are emotionally mature do NOT choose partners who are dysfunctional. I do not say that as a putdown as I have walked that path myself.

Furthermore, counselling is for people who KNOW something is wrong with their lives, WANT to change and are seeking help with figuring out the best course of action and then acting on it. It seems cheapchick's inlaws see their own behaviour as perfectly normal and acceptable and have no desire to change. Even dragging them to counselling would do absolutely no good as they do not want to change.

Best of luck, cheapchick, in getting through this difficult time.

:A

belfastgirl23

Cheapchick I've been following this thread but haven't posted yet. I do sort of know how you feel cos my DHs family are pretty intensive but luckily he is willing to tell them all to sod off if they overstep the mark (IMHO a bit too willing at times). I know others of his siblings haven't managed this and this has impacted on their relationships. The fact that he is willing to do it means we don't get nearly the same level of interference.

I just wanted to say that you are talking about feeling unsupported by your DH but I don't know for sure whether you love him or have feelings for him. I kind of think you do, and that's the one thing bugging me about saying you should leave. If it wasn't for the family, would you be happy with him? If so, maybe relationship counselling would help. From what you've said it sounds to me like in principle he agrees with what you're saying but he just can't manage to make it heard within his family. I'm reluctant to *blame* him for this, we all carry out own baggage on this and guilt is by far the hardest thing to resist. The other thing about going together for counselling is that hopefully it will give you a sense of working together towards a common goal. And it will support him to stand up to the family which is probably what you both want.

If you think leaving is what you want, is it really him you want to leave? If it isn't I'd say to tell him that you are moving and he can either come with you or not. If he does come with you, family will not be welcome to visit but you will make a point of visiting them (however often you think you can bear it, come to an agreement ahead of time). This last part I would stick to like glue. I would move somewhere with a peephole and wouldn't answer the door to them. If they caught me outside the house I'd say I was going somewhere and couldn't invite them in. At least for the first year till ground rules were established.

I also think you should watch supernanny Not really joking, it sounds like you need the broken record technique with these people to me.

And good luck!

kaneaj1

Do whatever u have to do so u and the kids are happy together, anything has got to be better than this.

Stay strong xxx

Ellidee

Hi just wondered if you are back off your hols and how it all went. Been thinking about you and hope you are ok ?

Primrose

It's is time you and your husband sat down and had a very serious talk about your future together. It sounds as if he's very weak willed and I wonder whether so many disappointments in your marriage have caused you to lose your own self confidence and the ability to be assertive. Looking at the date of your initial posting, you have now probably been on your holiday (or not, as the case may have turned out). If you no longer want to be in this marriage, see a solicitor and get some advice. Tell your in-laws that they have caused enough problems in your marriage and that they are not welcome in your house until you and your husband have decided whether you still have a future together or not. And in the meantime, get your locks changed on your front door.