i am so unhappy - dont know what to do(long)

cheapchick_3

i would have to move out with the kids if i wanted a temporary separation, because if oh moved out they would be hot footing it round here on mass.
i would also need to be isolated as they would track me down. it happened with my ex BIL who took the kids to scotland when he separated from my sil. i have now 2 ex BIL's who left for the same reasons as they couldn't cope with the interference they both warned me about this before my wedding, and now i understand where they were coming from.

mae

Apart from the violent BIL are the rest of his family violent or are they controlling and intimidating?

cheapchick_3

they are not particularly violent, i have told my sil under no uncertain terms where to get off and that ended in an raging argument one night.
they are controlling and intimidating. but mainly they dictate to me.
e.g. they disapprove of me working 2 days a week. one week my oh took A/l to look after the kids, when i came home from work he had made tea, nothing spectacular oven chips and chicken. My MIL turned up and gave me grief all week because he had to make his own tea!!! and then told me that my o/h's AL was precious and should not be spent looking after the kids - that was my job. i could go on and you can imagine the grief i got when she walked in when i was painting the kitchen and he was ironing........

i'm signing off now for tonight but will monitor it tomorrow and log in again tomorrow night. thanks for all your responses.xx

mae

I was just going to ask you if you still love your husband but I reread your post and you say you are not in love with him.
Taking the inlaws out of the equasion for a minute do you want to work at your marriage and hope to love him again or are you sure you do not want to work it out with him even without his family?
It seems that you have made your mind up about your husband anyway so his family are irrelevant if that makes sense? I suppose the biggest decision is what steps you take to start a new life on your own and if that new life includes your children?
If you could wave a magic wand how would you see the future?

CelticStar

Cheapchick, your post made me really sad for you - what awful things you have had to go through. I think there is only one main question you need to ask yourself here for other answers to other questions to fall into place - do you love your OH? If not, then why oh why are you putting up with his appalling family? I would go absolutely berserk if someone took a key to my house or tried to dictate things to me regarding the way I live my life. You are an adult woman with two children and my advice would be to tell your in-laws to **** off, though perhaps in a more diplomatic manner.

Of course, to do this you will need your OH's support and this is the crux of the matter. If you cannot trust your husband and lean on him for support then he is not doing his job as your OH. Trust and support are the fundamentals of a relationship and I think it is his lack of support that is really upsetting you rather than your in-laws' interference. Weak people often cause more trouble than domineering ones and I think that this is the case in your situation. I have to say that I would not go on the holiday and I would leave (with my children) as soon as possible. Whether your OH follows you will be up to him - and you too if you no longer love him - but I think that you need to be out of the sphere of his family's influence. You cannot function with them interfering and if your OH cannot contemplate a life without them living nearby or interfering in every aspect of his life then you are clearly not meant to be together. It will be tough but you will come through it although you might need some professional help to rebuild your shattered confidence. I reckon that once you are happier you will feel the love start to flow through you towards your little girl. Good luck and take care.

ailuro2

There are a lot of issues here, but I don't think leaving your OH would necessarily make you happy- does HE put you down in front of his family too? Or does he not feel able to stand up to them either- if his mother has always preferred her girls then maybe he has issues with trying to win her affection. Team up and break this vicious circle- show YOUR children that you can be strong- go to self defence classes to get over your fear of your BIL, read books on assertiveness to find out how to make yourself heard, with OH and his (awful) family.

Working it out together will leave you stronger as a family- change the holiday booking to somewhere else but don't tell them- just phone the day before and say the weather forecast is bad, you can't bear to be stuck 8 people in a caravan for that length of time.

Learn together to say NO! IF they don't take NO for an answer, then they do deserve to be treated quite bluntly until they get the message- I'm not suggesting you tell them to eff off- just tell them you want some time together as a 4 person family-that you have issues you need time alone to talk about, and if they don't give you space then they are contributing to a possible break up.

Good Luck- you will make it, be strong:D

ceridwen

Oh dear! - to say the least. Theres only one thing to be thankful for in all this as far as I can see - the fact that you do not love your OH. With that - it will make it easier emotionally to leave him. It really doesnt sound like you have any other option. I cant really believe your OH didnt provide them with the key to yr home - how else would they get it? If hes even prepared to give them a key behind yr back, stay friendly even when they commit violence against someone and let them muscle in on your holidays (even though there isnt even physically room for them to do so) - then he is NEVER EVER going to stand up to them. To me - the only question is not WHETHER to leave him, but WHEN to leave him. I do think you need to take the children with you - sounds like they need protecting from his family as much as you do. Leave him - and this time dont tell him you're doing so until AFTER you are safely well away from him.

I am wondering if it might be a good time to leave him at the time of this forthcoming holiday - as in going along with the idea that the holiday is going to happen (don't overdo it - by acting eager) and making some excuse why you and the kids will have to travel separately to him to get to the holiday location. You then travel alright - in a totally different direction to him and his horrible family.

Whatever you decide on the timing of leaving him:
a. is it possible to sneak out a few essentials for you and the kids to a safe hiding place before you leave - in the event I have a feeling the break-up when it comes will be very sudden and abrupt (not forgetting the paperwork - ie your passport, birth certificates, etc!).

b. Definitely your mothers advice re having money of yr own stashed away somewhere safe is very good. Have as much money as poss. stashed - I personally would grab any of his money I could on the quiet just before going - after all he is going to be due to pay maintenance for the children.

Be VERY VERY careful to keep your leaving plans quiet - DO NOT tell anyone except yr mother unless you are 101% certain you can trust them completely (ie certainly not anyone who knows him or that family of his).

THE VERY BEST OF LUCK!!

ceridwen

PS; I have just run a quick check-up on google

www.womensaid.org.uk

There - said it - just a thought, just in case. The organisation for battered wives. Not saying you are unfortunate enough to be one - but maybe they might have some practical advice re leaving hubbie. PLEASE do not be tempted to give this contact detail to anyone you know who is being battered by a member of this horrible family at present - UNTIL you and your kids are well clear of them. No clues at all you are thinking of leaving please!

It is good that the replies you are getting here are - mostly - supportive and please dont be downhearted about it if anyone replying starts making excuses for your OH - he can make enough for himself by the sound of it. Just get clear of him.

luxor4t

May i just add:
see a lawyer before you do anything - the advice you get will be vital.

Counting_Pennies_2

I am not surprised that you don't feel in love with him, but I'm not saying that in a horrid way.

With all the day to day stresses you are going through and without feeling the support, of course all the feelings of being in love will go.

You say you love him, so there must be or have been care between you both, except the support you need in your life isn't being directed in the right way from him.

He has persuaded you to stay before, look back and try to remember the reasons given to you and what you said to him that he promised would happen if you stayed. I wonder if you were just worn down by him convincing you to stay, or did you want to stay and were hopeful of him supporting you further. If the latter there is some hope there.

You say you had a heart to heart with him a few weeks ago, what came out of it. Was it just a release of tears, or were promises made then about what would happen. If so come back to what was agreed and work on that.

My family situation is very much different to this, I don't have any involvement from either side of the families in day to day life, just occasional weekend visits, so I can't begin to feel how it must be for you to have this interference or how your OH is influenced by their close involvment in your life. All I can do is look at this from a very remote view and try to give you hope and advice.

Don't feel bad about the feelings towards your little one, it does sound like you have had PND and that you sound like you really are a great mum to her. Having two children is hard enough, as everyone keeps telling me, but to have depression, and such an intensive intrusion in your life by the inlaws I think anyone would have a hard time, and continue to question themselves as to what they are providing their child. Have you tried changing GPs, or speaking to Health Visitors about how you feel and if you have PND and if there is any counselling or treatment available?

In terms of leaving, don't do anything rash that you might regret later. You need to be in a position that you feel in control at the point you leave, if that is what you decide to do. You have had all this interference for so long, please try to continue and hold on to the fact that you are going to make some positive changes but in your own time, don't be influenced in to making such a huge change because of the holiday and that intrusion.

If you haven't anything sorted in terms of agreed goals and changes between your OH and yourself, and that past conversations have just been a release of tears and frustration, sit down and go through everything with him. What it is that is the problem, and list it out, what it is that you need to improve things, again list it out (maybe just a few points before you sit with him to keep you on track, but I am thinking this is more a task between the two of you to mutally go through at the same time in order for it to hit home to him properly)

Start with 'I feel.....' and not 'you don't do......' or ' your family does...' it is less confrontational and likely to reduce conflict. If either you or OH goes off the handle take a break and come back to it.

Only you can decide if something radical can happen in your existing family unit, such as moving away as a unit including OH, putting up mutual boundaries with his family, or moving out with or without the children. But you have to make this decision while you are feeling in control, or you might end up living to regret it if you just walk out.

There are support groups out there. Phone or google the Samaritans or something similar to see if they can provide you with some counselling or support.

I do really feel for you and do hope it all works out in the end whatever is decided.

Take care

PS - I don't want you to think for a moment that I support his behaviour in any way towards his ignoring of his family, I wonder if he is so influenced by his family that this has been the only way of coping with them and that maybe between the two of you you can fight out of the family situation. But only you know the extent of his involvement in this, and what he is capable of good and bad.