i am so unhappy - dont know what to do(long)

magentadreamer

Thats fantastic news hun! I hope this is the beginnings of better things for you!!

Squiggly_Diddly

That's great news for both of you :-) Well done for being strong and standing your ground & good for him too, to actually take notice of what you'd put and do something about it.

can I suggest keeping the letter somewhere it can be got out quickly if things start to slide - just as a little reminder to everyone...

But good luck & I hope the holiday goes well then!!

misty

I'm glad things are a bit better for you. I would suggest building on this by you doing things to help you feel stronger - not particularly to do with OH just for you and the children e.g a hobby you can share together.

I was thinking possibly less about PND but the association of the pregnancy with the terrible event with your sister in law. I would be amazed if you didn't have some sort of depression. Your doctor could help you get on an even keel emotionally.

I don't want to critiscise your husband (much) but his reaction to things is part of his upbringing and partly because you have let it go until now. However, that is not an excuse long term and at least he recognises that things need to change.

I think you must be amazingly strong emotionally to have coped with what you have done with no support - I really hope you recognise that and can build on it.

I think you have done the right things saving a little money ect but I also think you can put into your emotional savings too (I realise how cringy that sounds) getting fit, improves your emotional well being, having an interest or hobby gives you some outside interest and aall of these will give you extra strength when you need it. Knowledge is power and finding out your rights even if you never exercise them will give you back a little control.

I really hope everything works out for you and your kids.

Bennifred

cheapchick wrote: »

well i've had a great couple of days with the kids,despite sun morning starting with SIL coming into our house whilst we were asleep and brought us tea in bed!!!! (my oh was not pleased with this)
i've also managed to squeeze 3 hours of girley afternoon with my dd. we painted the patio with kiddy paint and wellies (ok so it did come off in the rain) and had a ball, we had a long walk, fed the ducks, cuddled a neighbours baby rabbit, collected some eggs from the chicken coop at another neighbours, ran round the park etc.

i spent the last 2 nights without much sleep. i told my oh last night how i felt. but he just shrugged his shoulders and gave me little response- however at 5 am this morning after "stewing all night". i wrote him a letter and explained exactly how i felt (including wanting to leave him) and left it for him to find.

this morning he brought me a cup of tea in bed and we sat and talked about my letter. the good points is that he is to tell his family that if they are to follow us on holiday then they are to find their own accommodation.

we have agreed on a compromise that only his mum can stay with us as he feels that because she is recently widowed and struggling with cash at the moment he feels that he has to help her (not ideal but ok).

he is asking for the key back

he will not allow any visits into our caravan which haven't been pre- arranged. and he will not allow any inappropriate talk or put down towards me.

he will not allow his family to treat our children differently (i.e favour DD).

he's off to see his family tomorrow.

Well i suppose its a start and hope that things can progress from here.

I think it as a huge step in the right direction that you have an agreement with your OH over how the holiday is to be, etc. It might be quite difficult for him to see it through, though, especially as he normally just goes along with whatever his family dictates - I hope he's strong enough not to cave when they object, which they undoubtedly will:mad: . Wishing you lots of luck, there is light at the end of the tunnel! Let us know how it goes. XX

jo1972

CC, I've only just come across this post and wanted to send my support. I'm so glad you wrote that letter, not only does it help you put things into perspective but I think it's easier for guys to understand stuff when its' written down in front of them (no disrespect to the guys on here, it's not a put down!) rather than you talking about your feelings. It looks as though you have both reached rock bottom with this and there is a way up, I hope your OH continues to learn how you feel, you must also learn to be completely honest with him about everything you feel. Leaving your kids behind, regardless of feelings you've had nor not had in the past, would only IMHO leave you feeling empty, it would be very hard to get a stable relationship back with them once they know that you'd left them. I think you are doing the right thing, it's worth trying at least.

Good luck and hugs. xx

kazmeister

Hi,

I think most of the others have said it all. I can relate a little as I had severe relationship problems with my MIL to the point where we have no contact at all until she had a stroke altho my OH still visited, but she got really nasty with me when I was pregnant with our only child together - her first grandchild. Think she was jealous OH was going to have his own family I dont know, anyway I was lucky he stood up for me, but in 7 years she never once sent a birthday or Xmas card to DD, altho had contact before she died so DD at least remembers her grandmother. But I was thinking have you actually asked him how he feels about his family. Cant remember if you said in the thread. It might be an opportunity for him to release some of his pent up feelings that will ease the situation.

Good luck

onaloser

i felt really sad reading this thread, although i dont know what to say it seems as though your oh doesnt deserve you

cheapchick_3

thanx for all your advice, i'm really grateful.

re my dd, this thread has reminded me of when i first found out i was having a girl, i was so disappointed, because i knew how my ds would then be sidelined, and i was heartbroken. we both knew this and it was always a talking point even b4 ds's birth. i think this is why i felt little emotion towards her, we witnessed our nephews being treated differently to the niece, although she is a lovely girl - she's spoilt. she's had everything she ever wanted - ponies, money, ballet etc. my nephews were unlikely to get a cuddle, except from us. my oh and his brothers were treated differently to the girls also - when we got married (after 5 years of being together) we got £20 present from his parents, and no contribution to the costs of the wedding - his sisters got £50 each to buy a new outfit for the wedding. his dad died a couple of months ago and tbh had similar attitude to my husband. he warned me on a number of occasions to let it go over my head but never did anything to put an end to the bullying.

i have asked our builder to change the lock barrels whilst were away. he will be doing some work in the house whilst were gone, i haven't told oh yet about that (only because we've not really seen each other tonight as he's gone to work). he'll drop the new key round to the neighbour who'se looking after the cats, he'll make an excuse that he broke the key in the lock (he's had the experience of the in laws and interference).

My MIL came round tonight and i froze as i spotted my letter to my oh, sitting on the side in the kitchen- she didn't see it and i managed to quickly shred all evidence.

onaloser

i will say that in a loving relationship you shouldnt be treading on egg shells

skintas_2

whats the differnce between inlaws and outlaws outlaws are wanted.

sounds just like my oh family, bullies jealous of us all the time, and i have enven had violence in the past. then his sister asked him to choose her or me, he choose me. then she asked theyre mum to choose, her and her kids, or or son and our kids. he choose me, once and for all he stood up to them. ok my kids dont see there cousins or grandparents, but i dont stop them from coming here which they dont, or even phone. my kids arent missing out, every time we see them theyre aunty and uncle are violent to there mum. it came down to jealously as we are getting on with our lives and they arent. my oh is upset he cant see his mum, but when my kids are older they are gonna go around theyre aunts and proper stand up to her, and see theyre nan and granddad. i even phoned the police once to get an injunction, changed my phone number, told them i moved, which was a lie. its hard on your oh, he has had this behaviour for years. if he see hows upset its making you and he will loose you, maybe he may try to change things, good luck