i am so unhappy - dont know what to do(long)

Squiggly_Diddly

((((Hugs)))) cheapchick, what a horrible situation.
I can only echo what others have said really - it sounds as though leaving is something that has been on your mind for some time. If you imagine yourself in the future (next year, or in 5 years) do you see yourself still with your OH (and his family), or away from them, as a single parent? If someone said to you " you cannot leave, you must stay in this partnership" what would be your instinctive reaction?? If they said "go, you can leave and start again" - same question - your reaction? Sometimes that instinctive feeling can make clear what you really want...

It does sound that if you do want to stay, he will need an ultimatum - not to choose between you & his family, but that his family stay away from you, your house, etc and he goes to visit them at their houses. I would also change your front door locks!!!!! This family sound like a nightmare....!!

If you are sure you want to leave, then I agree with Mae, go with your children or you may find your in-laws make it impossible for you to see them. You may find that your relationship with your DD improves because you remove a lot of the tensions that are currently present. Have you looked at www.entitledto.co.uk - you can run some calculations through to see what help you could get in the way of tax credits, etc. You may be surprised. It would also tell you what HB/CTB you might get if you put in potential rents of houses. Additionally he would have to pay maintenance for the children too.

I totally agree about making your plans & just doing it, otherwise you may find yourself pressured into staying when you really don't want to. Also ensure you keep your documents/paperwork safe - do you need to photocopy any savings account bank statements (just thinking to maintenance & possible denial of existence of money). Not saying he will do that, but it be surprising how people can behave sometimes.....

Can you go and stay at your parents' temporarily while you arrange rented accommodation somewhere? That may give you a couple more months to get some cash together for deposits, etc. Failing that, local councils (Housing Dept) sometimes run a Deposit Guarantee Scheme (where they guarantee the deposit to the landlord of a rented property) - it may be worth making contact with them to see what advice/help they can provide?

You sound amazingly strong to be coping with everything that is going on, and you will get lots more support from here - whatever decision you make.

Squiggly

milkfloatquack

I completely agree with Ceridwen about speaking to Women's Aid. Women's Aid is for all sorts of family related abuse - not just for partner on partner abuse, and for physical violence. Women's Aid can offer both emotional and practical support. If you walk out on the kids, that could make it hard if you want them to live with you in future. Try not to do that.

paddy's_mum

Nothing much to add to the wisdom already shown in other posts but it sounds to me as though your mother has her head screwed on, she clearly loves you and I would think that she could be your best friend in all this. If you haven't already done so, maybe now is the time to open your heart to her, warts and all, and listen carefully to any advice she gives you.

I also think that your feelings are totally justified. You are being sidelined as an irrelevancy. Perhaps it is time to ask your husband exactly who he married and made promises to, as clearly you are not number one in his pecking order. Would I wish to remain married to a man who persistently showed me that I didn't rank? No, I don't think so. His very weakness and unwillingness to make waves is what is killing the love. Only you can say whether enough love remains to try to heal the hurts and make the marriage function properly once again. Good luck and I am sorry for your trouble.

gravitytolls

Oh honey, poor you.

Re your daughter ~ you do love her, I promise, but it's lost inside a heart filed with hurt, grief and anger. Please, please see your GP, I rrally feel this detachment is PND. You need to be honest with your GP, print your post even. I feel you need counselling with regard to the years of your self esteem being chipped away at.

As for leaving, only you can make that decision ~ TBH it sounds to me like you've made it. Having a decent husb who won't stand by your sideno matter what, a nice home isn't worth feeling like this.

If you leave, please, please don't leave either of your children ~ you know how you feel, don't allow them to destroy your children. Away from these destructive influences, with support, you can rebuild your life and your relationship with your children.

Please, I suffered the same bonding problems with my firstborn I adore him, but truly, I look back on his life and wish I could have him again. If only I'd known and got some help it would've all been different.

\with my 5 mth old I felt comletely detached, but this time I told the GP, and I'm being supported.

Please, plesae, please, this is your life and theirs, don't allow them to be destroyed.

darich

Hope it all works out for you Cheapchick.

I've read some of the posts (but not all) and i've read some good advice.

But from my own experience, it will improve.................

My OH and her daughter lived with her hubby. Nice street but small house. He used the family car and refused to let her use it, even though she had to take her daughter to school every day on the bus then change bus to go to work while the car sat in a car park after he arrived. He could so easily have got the bus.
He watched sports all day on TV, did nothing at home, put her down and stopped all fun in the house. If a good song came on MTV my OH and the daughter (aged around 7) would start dancing and singing. He'd shout that they were acting stupid and that she was encouraging their daughter to be silly. In the winter my OH would be standing at the bus stop soaked and freezing thinking their must be more to life than this..........

She kicked him out the house (had to get a solicitors letter).
Financially she was doing ok but not brilliantly.
She bought her own car with 0% apr.
Then she bought a cat (something he'd NEVER have allowed)
Independence was starting to take hold.

We started going out and after about a 9months made an offer on a house together. I sold my 2 bedroom flat and she sold her house and we moved into a 3 bed detached bungalow a few miles away. The distance from Glasgow meant the price was a lot less than houses of a similar size closer to the city.
She's upgraded her car to a 2.2Turbo diesel Nissan.

She can't believe the turnaround in her life from only 2 years ago...from almost depressed to being the happiest she's ever been.

Whatever you decide to do, your life will improve and don't ever let anyone stop you from enjoying yourself. My OH went from the lowest ever to the highest (and probably still getting happier!!) in a couple of years so it can and does happen.

Best of luck.

cheapchick_3

well i've had a great couple of days with the kids,despite sun morning starting with SIL coming into our house whilst we were asleep and brought us tea in bed!!!! (my oh was not pleased with this)
i've also managed to squeeze 3 hours of girley afternoon with my dd. we painted the patio with kiddy paint and wellies (ok so it did come off in the rain) and had a ball, we had a long walk, fed the ducks, cuddled a neighbours baby rabbit, collected some eggs from the chicken coop at another neighbours, ran round the park etc.

i spent the last 2 nights without much sleep. i told my oh last night how i felt. but he just shrugged his shoulders and gave me little response- however at 5 am this morning after "stewing all night". i wrote him a letter and explained exactly how i felt (including wanting to leave him) and left it for him to find.

this morning he brought me a cup of tea in bed and we sat and talked about my letter. the good points is that he is to tell his family that if they are to follow us on holiday then they are to find their own accommodation.

we have agreed on a compromise that only his mum can stay with us as he feels that because she is recently widowed and struggling with cash at the moment he feels that he has to help her (not ideal but ok).

he is asking for the key back

he will not allow any visits into our caravan which haven't been pre- arranged. and he will not allow any inappropriate talk or put down towards me.

he will not allow his family to treat our children differently (i.e favour DD).

he's off to see his family tomorrow.

Well i suppose its a start and hope that things can progress from here.

LilMissEmmylou

cheapchick im proud that you wrote that letter and even more so of your DH taking it in and doing something about it!!!! Lets hope this turns things around for you. So glad you had a fab day with DD at the weekend! I cant wait to do things like that with my DD when she is a bit older

mae

Awe I'm really pleased things have taken a step forward. You seem to have taken some control back and reading betwen the lines having no control was crushing you emotionally.
I still stand by my original thought you are a good mum and both your children are very lucky. I take my hat off to you.
I hope things go as you want them to.

gravitytolls

Fantastic news CC. Couldn't be more pleased for you.

CelticStar

Well done Cheapchick, glad you had a good response to your letter and a lovely weekend with DD.