i am so unhappy - dont know what to do(long)

cheapchick_3

please help me come to the right decision. i am a regular on this forum but have logged in using my work email address so my oh does not find out.

i have been married for 12 years we have 2 children age 5 & 2. on the whole i have a good marriage, my oh is kind,loving, i love him but not in love with him anymore. we live in a good house, have a good income and good health.
the negatives are that his large family (siblings/ parents) are very controlling, and always put me down, my oh finds it difficult to support me.

the problems really started when we had child no 2, i didn't want her, even when she arrived i felt no emotion towards her, and to some extent to this day i have little feelings for her.

i think this is down to the events which started at the beginning of the pregnancy i had a phonecall from a neighbour at 2am to tell me that my oh's sister was arguing with her live in boyfriend in the street. i got up and when i arrived around the corner she was lying in a pool of blood unconscious, her BF had beaten her up, he even continued to kick her on the floor when i was there. i took her to hospital and nursed her throughout the night- 24 stitches later the police came and i advised my sil to press charges. in the morning she was back with the idiot and told him what i had said - since then i have been frightened to walk round my estate alone as he has threatened me on a number of occasions.

my oh did NOTHING, even though he was present once when this vile creature pulled me off a chair in the pub and called me awful names. at the time i did not say anything to him, there was no comment before during or after. the landlord saw what happened and barred him immediately . my oh was friends with him and continued to socialise with him until i gave him an ultimation -since then he has had no contact. on another occasion, the man even assaulted my 74yr old MIL, throwing her out of their house causing injuries to her arms and legs and she came round to me really upset. he has been violent with every member of my oh's family but hey they think he's the dogs dangly bits, and exclude me in every family event.
my mil favours her girls and always has.

my husband is never supportive even though he knows that i have done nothing wrong other than witness his violence and told my sil to finish with him when we were in the hospital.
every week i cry myself to sleep at least once, over the lack of support i receive from my oh. he just laughs when one of his family put me down even infront of them when they are doing it, i have talked and talked with him, he knows how i feel yet he says i should forget about it.

i booked a holiday, we are due to go in 2 weeks. i found out last night that 6 of my oh's family are following us, possibly 8 if the nephew / niece turn up. and they are expecting to bunk up in our 6 berth caravan!!!! i cant cope - i know that i will be put down constantly. my hubby thinks that this is ok and will not address the situation.

i am seriously thinking of leaving him the night before we go - getting on a train and just bogging off to somewhere. i have tried to leave him on 3 occasions but have told him on my way out the door, each time he has talked me into staying - this time i just want to go. i can stay with relatives. i currently have £900 savings but assets worth 20k. i dont want to leave the kids, but they are so excited to go on holiday + tbh i think they would be better off financially with him. my mum has been saying for months to hide some money away for such an event (such as leaving) even though i have not discussed leaving before, but she knows and has witnessed the bullying of his family towards me. i need to go i am so stressed. my gp has known what been going on but states i'm not depressed just stressed. i have panic attacks everytime one of them comes round (which is frequently) always on tender hooks in their presence.

LilMissEmmylou

it seems your husband needs to grow a pair if you ask me im sorry he has left you to fend for yourself in these situations. he seems easily led and afraid of his family. Would there be any chance of moving house to get away from them? You seem to live very close to them. A fresh start may help things? As for the holiday, tell him no. Put your foot down and just tell him that you dont want them their as you will feel unhappy about it, its YOUR holiday, not theirs! But its easy for me to say that, harder for you to do it as you already feel you have to be a bit softly softly when it comes to his family.

I cant speak for you but i could never leave my daughter, money wouldnt be an issue if i had to have her with me, we would cope whatever.

*hugs*

mae

Hi firstly I just wanted to say well done for writing this down thats a start to making some changes and hopefully for the better. Obviously you are very very unhappy and it sounds like you have tried to address then situation but are hitting a brick wall.
It also sounds like you have no control at all and the only way you see to take some control back is to make a complete break and make a run for it. There is only you living this situation and no one can judge you for getting to such a point however I do feel a little concerned about the fact that you feel the children would be better off with him financially, what about emotionally?
Also how is you relationship with child number 2 as you say you have little feelings for her, does she sense it, do you treat her differently?
You have been living under threat in your own enviroment and that is awful no wonder you have been having panic attacks, you should be able to feel safe in your enviroment and especially round your family. Do your children feel safe?
I am biased because I am a counsellor but I really feel you should consider counselling as it seems like you are about to take a quick solution from a horrible situation without any real direction and my concern for you is that will not have solved anything just run away and given yourself a new set of problems. I am not saying leaving isn't the right decision please don't think that because the choice is yours and only you know how much you can stand but bolting and leaving the kids may still make you unhappy.
Its awful for you to feel you don't love your child it must be really hard for you and there are people who can help you with your bond.
Sorry I feel I have gone on abit I hope my post makes some sense.
Take Care

cheapchick_3

we did move- they followed us., we nearly went down to devon with a job transfer that my oh got - 2 of them put their houses on the market!!, we decided not to go.

i have told him no to the holiday and i have been rather persistant, when we went away 4 years ago some of them followed us and we ended up paying for them - last year we went to cornwall for our anniversary and stayed in a 2 bed cottage - it ended up us sleeping on a blow up bed on the floor in the living room and 4 extra guests.

i couldnt imagine leaving the kids, but i feel i have no option. i am really trying to bond with my daughter and she really does give me pleasure on some days, i am close to my ds and would love to feel this with my daughter but it is hard. i never thought i would ever feel like this:(

Nenen

Cheapchick you are in an intolerable situation and need to look after yourself and your children. Please, please try and get some objective help from a professionally qualified psychotherapist.
Try:
http://www.bcp.org.uk/finding_a_therapist.html
or
http://www.psychotherapy.org.uk/iqs/sid.03084940602423547909268/find_a_therapist.html

(At this point I feel I should state that my husband is a member of the BCP)

If you feel you haven't bonded to your two year old daughter I'd make a bet that you have at least some vestiges of Post natal depression (despite what your GP says... it's not unusual for them to misread the signs). This coupled with the shock of witnessing the attack on your sil and the awful situation that has followed, is just flooding you at the moment and stopping you from developing your feelings for your dd.
I can honestly tell you that your little girl would NOT be better off with you leaving her and I doubt your older child would be either. It is really important for you and your children that you get help so that you can begin to see things more clearly.
It sounds as if the stress of the forthcoming holiday is the final straw... I really wouldn't even consider going on holiday with your dh's family at the moment... and however much the children are looking forward to a holiday, them having their mum safe and well is far far more important to them than any holiday.

Could you possibly postpone the holiday until things feel a little better for you and make it clear to dh that his family are NOT invited? Or would it be possible to transfer the holiday to another destination a couple of days earlier than the current one and you take your children away on your own for a couple of weeks to see if that clears your thoughts a bit and allows you tme to enjoy your children without worrying about dh or his family?

I really wish you all the best.
Take good care of yourself

pamplemousse

cheapchick wrote: »

please help me come to the right decision. i am a regular on this forum but have logged in using my work email address so my oh does not find out.

i have been married for 12 years we have 2 children age 5 & 2. on the whole i have a good marriage, my oh is kind,loving, i love him but not in love with him anymore. we live in a good house, have a good income and good health.
the negatives are that his large family (siblings/ parents) are very controlling, and always put me down, my oh finds it difficult to support me.

the problems really started when we had child no 2, i didn't want her, even when she arrived i felt no emotion towards her, and to some extent to this day i have little feelings for her.

i think this is down to the events which started at the beginning of the pregnancy i had a phonecall from a neighbour at 2am to tell me that my oh's sister was arguing with her live in boyfriend in the street. i got up and when i arrived around the corner she was lying in a pool of blood unconscious, her BF had beaten her up, he even continued to kick her on the floor when i was there. i took her to hospital and nursed her throughout the night- 24 stitches later the police came and i advised my sil to press charges. in the morning she was back with the idiot and told him what i had said - since then i have been frightened to walk round my estate alone as he has threatened me on a number of occasions.

my oh did NOTHING, even though he was present once when this vile creature pulled me off a chair in the pub and called me awful names. at the time i did not say anything to him, there was no comment before during or after. the landlord saw what happened and barred him immediately . my oh was friends with him and continued to socialise with him until i gave him an ultimation -since then he has had no contact. on another occasion, the man even assaulted my 74yr old MIL, throwing her out of their house causing injuries to her arms and legs and she came round to me really upset. he has been violent with every member of my oh's family but hey they think he's the dogs dangly bits, and exclude me in every family event.
my mil favours her girls and always has.

my husband is never supportive even though he knows that i have done nothing wrong other than witness his violence and told my sil to finish with him when we were in the hospital.
every week i cry myself to sleep at least once, over the lack of support i receive from my oh. he just laughs when one of his family put me down even infront of them when they are doing it, i have talked and talked with him, he knows how i feel yet he says i should forget about it.

i booked a holiday, we are due to go in 2 weeks. i found out last night that 6 of my oh's family are following us, possibly 8 if the nephew / niece turn up. and they are expecting to bunk up in our 6 berth caravan!!!! i cant cope - i know that i will be put down constantly. my hubby thinks that this is ok and will not address the situation.

i am seriously thinking of leaving him the night before we go - getting on a train and just bogging off to somewhere. i have tried to leave him on 3 occasions but have told him on my way out the door, each time he has talked me into staying - this time i just want to go. i can stay with relatives. i currently have £900 savings but assets worth 20k. i dont want to leave the kids, but they are so excited to go on holiday + tbh i think they would be better off financially with him. my mum has been saying for months to hide some money away for such an event (such as leaving) even though i have not discussed leaving before, but she knows and has witnessed the bullying of his family towards me. i need to go i am so stressed. my gp has known what been going on but states i'm not depressed just stressed. i have panic attacks everytime one of them comes round (which is frequently) always on tender hooks in their presence.

.l am truly disgusted by your ohs family etc it seems to me that your oh is a weak person mentally and physically and feels he cant afford to fall out with them. when you said youwere going to leavehim 3 times andyou told him to me it meansyou didnt really want to go, just to a desperate plea to make him come to his senses.please do not leave yur innocent children with him ..what sort of li willthey have with that lot, remember he did nothing when that idiot beat up his sister and still remained his friend ...how will he be able to protect his own children ? l think the only chance for you is to get him right away from them and maybe hopefully he would be a different person on his ownwith you and the children...you say finanially they would be better off withhim, but money isnt everything.and l beleive if it came to the crunch you would get child support and part of the property if it is owned by him or both. l really feel for you and hope you are able to make him see sense or is there any family member on your side that can have a serious talk with him..

LilMissEmmylou

i really dont know what to say, it seems they cant take a hint. Would it be worth asking OH if you guys could move but NOT tell his family where to for a bit? Harsh i know but they cant just tag along with your life. I understand some families are close but IMO thats just taking it too far and you have my every sympathy. The gal of some people really never fails to amaze me!

Perhaps letting the family go on the holiday and u just not going might help them take the hint? bring the kids on day trips or go to a cheap b n b so they feel they are going somewhere really exciting or even stay with some of YOUR family and friends so OHs family cant even attempt to tag along

Re your daughter. have you tried spending some quality bonding time with just her? doing mummy daughter girly things?

I do agree with the OP about counseling, they may be able to offer you some good help and advice on your situation and if nothing else stop you feeling so stressed.

I can only say what i would do re moving and not saying where, but i cant say what would be best for you - i wish i could *hugs*

cheapchick_3

mae wrote: »

I do feel a little concerned about the fact that you feel the children would be better off with him financially, what about emotionally?
Also how is you relationship with child number 2 as you say you have little feelings for her, does she sense it, do you treat her differently?

Its awful for you to feel you don't love your child it must be really hard for you and there are people who can help you with your bond.
Sorry I feel I have gone on abit I hope my post makes some sense.
Take Care

thanks. emotionally they would be devastated. i do everything for my children. i dont think no 2 senses it, she's very affectionate and i always respond and sometimes even prompt, she was a difficult baby but now she's chilled out. i'm trying hard to love her, and yes i do but it has been VERY difficult maintain these feelings.
the rules and boundaries are the same for the 2 of them and yes i treat them equally. there are no arguements in the home so they do not witness these conversations.

alant1000

cheapchick wrote: »

please help me come to the right decision. i am a regular on this forum but have logged in using my work email address so my oh does not find out.

i have been married for 12 years we have 2 children age 5 & 2. on the whole i have a good marriage, my oh is kind,loving, i love him but not in love with him anymore. we live in a good house, have a good income and good health.
the negatives are that his large family (siblings/ parents) are very controlling, and always put me down, my oh finds it difficult to support me.

the problems really started when we had child no 2, i didn't want her, even when she arrived i felt no emotion towards her, and to some extent to this day i have little feelings for her.

i think this is down to the events which started at the beginning of the pregnancy i had a phonecall from a neighbour at 2am to tell me that my oh's sister was arguing with her live in boyfriend in the street. i got up and when i arrived around the corner she was lying in a pool of blood unconscious, her BF had beaten her up, he even continued to kick her on the floor when i was there. i took her to hospital and nursed her throughout the night- 24 stitches later the police came and i advised my sil to press charges. in the morning she was back with the idiot and told him what i had said - since then i have been frightened to walk round my estate alone as he has threatened me on a number of occasions.

my oh did NOTHING, even though he was present once when this vile creature pulled me off a chair in the pub and called me awful names. at the time i did not say anything to him, there was no comment before during or after. the landlord saw what happened and barred him immediately . my oh was friends with him and continued to socialise with him until i gave him an ultimation -since then he has had no contact. on another occasion, the man even assaulted my 74yr old MIL, throwing her out of their house causing injuries to her arms and legs and she came round to me really upset. he has been violent with every member of my oh's family but hey they think he's the dogs dangly bits, and exclude me in every family event.
my mil favours her girls and always has.

my husband is never supportive even though he knows that i have done nothing wrong other than witness his violence and told my sil to finish with him when we were in the hospital.
every week i cry myself to sleep at least once, over the lack of support i receive from my oh. he just laughs when one of his family put me down even infront of them when they are doing it, i have talked and talked with him, he knows how i feel yet he says i should forget about it.

i booked a holiday, we are due to go in 2 weeks. i found out last night that 6 of my oh's family are following us, possibly 8 if the nephew / niece turn up. and they are expecting to bunk up in our 6 berth caravan!!!! i cant cope - i know that i will be put down constantly. my hubby thinks that this is ok and will not address the situation.

i am seriously thinking of leaving him the night before we go - getting on a train and just bogging off to somewhere. i have tried to leave him on 3 occasions but have told him on my way out the door, each time he has talked me into staying - this time i just want to go. i can stay with relatives. i currently have £900 savings but assets worth 20k. i dont want to leave the kids, but they are so excited to go on holiday + tbh i think they would be better off financially with him. my mum has been saying for months to hide some money away for such an event (such as leaving) even though i have not discussed leaving before, but she knows and has witnessed the bullying of his family towards me. i need to go i am so stressed. my gp has known what been going on but states i'm not depressed just stressed. i have panic attacks everytime one of them comes round (which is frequently) always on tender hooks in their presence.

Thats a real sad story, but one which i am more than certain many people will be familiar with, even if you feel very isolated. It's a similar situation to what i experienced, although in my case i was in your childrens shoes, i.e my parents never got on and eventually divorced when i was 5.

Just to let you know i've done a bit of work around this area as a semi-qualified hypnotherapist, and although i would not suggest that as a method to help you here, i have dealt with people who need to boost their esteem in situations like this.

From a blokes point of view, what strikes me here is that your OH probably finds it very hard to express his emotions, and feels he needs to remain manly, it can be quite hard for someone like this to back down and accept there are problems, as its admiting a failure of sorts. From his point of view he is in control right now, and he doesnt want to loose this control. If he backs down, he may fear that you, his family and friends etc will se a weakness in him which he does not want exposed, hence his apparant lack of support.

Consider these...

Are you feelings towards you OH just because of his family? Is it them thats the burden really, not your OH?? Would you stay with him if they didnt exist? If so, thats a bit unfair on him, he will always need his family regardless of how they behave.

Is your difficulty bonding with your 2yr old down to the fact it makes you feel even more tied to the family?

Do you feel your OH turns a blind eye to the bullying so that you feel that little bit more insecure so you dont leave him?

Why do you think his family acts the way they do, do they think you are trying to change him, or are they jealous of your background? I've had this before where my girlfriends family just didnt like me because my family are well off and they judged me on this.

You say the kids would be better off with him financially, but what about what they want, do you not think its better to have them with you rather than will a man would is surrounded by violence. Are you trying to off load them for a while - its harsh, BE HONEST WITH THE REASON YOU SAY THIS. He would be expected to subsidise them financially if they were with you anyway?

It sounds like you have been treated very badly by his family, anyone can see that, but ultimatly its the relationship with your OH that you need to work on, not his family, as they don't owe it to you to listen or change, its your OH that has the commitment.

Have you ever given him an inkling you want out? How does he react then? Have you suggested having a break from him rather than a full split which may get him on the defensive?

I'm not sure what to suggest as i am sure he will have a story to tell too, but remember that only you can change the situation. For as long as you do nothing, nothing will change. If you want to become happier, it CAN AND WILL HAPPEN... you just need to work out if leaving him is the answer, or just the easy solution.

If i were you (and i'm not, so i'm not suggesting YOU do this), i wouldnt bunk off the holiday, i'd have another serious chat with the OH, explain its serious, and that you are considering having a temporary split to clear your head.. test the water a bit to see if he listens. If not, i'd then move out for a while anyway to make him realise. Just not showing up for the holiday will add fuel to the fire and will give his familiy a justified reason to criticise you further.

Only you know the real answer - and if it means splitting you should be brave and do it. There is a life on the other side you know!! But there is also a life where you and your OH get on, he respects you and you are happy as a family.

mae

cheapchick wrote: »

thanks. emotionally they would be devastated. i do everything for my children. i dont think no 2 senses it, she's very affectionate and i always respond and sometimes even prompt, she was a difficult baby but now she's chilled out. i'm trying hard to love her, and yes i do but it has been VERY difficult maintain these feelings.
the rules and boundaries are the same for the 2 of them and yes i treat them equally. there are no arguements in the home so they do not witness these conversations.

Do you know what no wonder you are absolutely stressed out and considering leaving everything behind including your children.. You are living under the stress of being controlled by your OHs family and as if that is not bad enough you are not 'naturally' feeling for your daughter and keeping up the pretence of making sure you treat them the same and trying your hardest to maintain a healthy balance for her. You deserve a medal, keeping this up on a daily basis balancing everything keeping everyone happy while you are struggling to feel what you want to feel for your daughter. Although you are obviously struggling and its not ideal how you are feeling towards your daughter she is very lucky to have you, you are trying so hard to make things as normal as possible for her no matter how hard it is for you.. Do you really want to take that away from her? Doesn't she deserve a mum like you? I think so.
You have so much responsibility on your shoulders and no control I don't think you can see the wood for the trees. Please talk to someone, just talking and releasing some of these feelings could make a world of difference to any decisions you make.
If you leave your children behind in your desperate need to walk away and find some peace what if your controlling inlaws won't let you have them back at a later date or won't let you visit them.
It is not your fault that you do not have this bond but you still sound like a good mum and I think you deserve your children in your life please don't let his family take them away from you too.

cheapchick_3

i think i had pre and post natal depression brought on by all the anxiety i was experiencing, which would explain why my dd was a difficult baby. i AM trying really hard with her. my oh's family dote on her more so than ds. and i think this maybe contributing to my apprehension of feelings towards her.

i sat down for 3 hours with my oh only 4 weeks ago and again cried my eyes out about how i feel. he knows how i feel about dd, and his family and he is very emotional and expressive. unfortunately he has experienced their behaviour all of his life and has learned to live with it.


last weekend we all went away, when we got back i found out, from the neighbours that my MIL and SIL were in our house on a couple of occasions- i didn't even know they had a key, and neither did my oh. when i confronted her she told me that she took a key ages ago "just for emergencies" and refused to give me the key back.