Finding a compromise? Any tips?!

notanewuser

So there's one subject that DH and I can never agree on. He feels very strongly about the thing, and is either completely incapable or unwilling to hear my perspective on it. (He feels the thing is very positive for him, but is overwhelmingly negative for me). It comes up occasionally, and is always a very testing time. Because he refuses point blank to compromise, and I can't usually deal with the situation he puts me in, it results in stunted conversations and rows.


It's come up today. It's something that may or may not happen - subject to a completely unrelated person - but will require me to completely alter plans made with several other people to enable us to accommodate it at reasonably short notice. We've agreed to discuss it tomorrow, but I already know that anything I say is not going to be heard, and he's just going to get annoyed at me pointing out why it's not something I want to accommodate. I've already suggested a workable compromise which was slapped down immediately.

So, what techniques do you and your partner employ when you just can't agree on something? This issue isn't going to go away for us so I really need to find a way to make it easier. I've had enough of it over the past 10 years! I'm willing to try pretty much anything!

(Deliberately haven't given specifics as I don't think they're relevant, but if it becomes apparent that they are I can elaborate.)

London50

I am sorry to hear the situation you are in, it seems to me that you are both quite strong willed BUT in the end it will be YOU giving way either to try and keep the overall peace or just because you get fed up with the way things are for a time afterwards.
I personally do not know any answer to it but I can tell you that for many years when we got married{poss even before} I was the same as your partner not understanding just how my "bull at a gate" ideas were effecting my partner and it has only been as we have grown older that I looked back on some of the "last min bombshells" I dropped caused her upset and rows.
I think either you just refuse to go along with the position you have been put in and yes for a while suffer the snapped one word replies to things you ask or {as I believe} do what your partner wants and boil under a smiling face. The only big drawback to that is stress is not good and in the end you will snap big time with all that that will entail :0(
I am sorry I cannot be of anymore help but I do hope it works out for you

double_mummy

with me if plans are made then the plans stand unless something happens that is an emergency (ill LO etc) standing plans always take precedent over something changing at the last minute

sometimes there isnt a compromise sometimes it is one way or the other and it is down to you and hubby to decide which it is

Georgiegirl256

I think specifics need to be given really, as it's very hard to advise on a situation when you don't know what that situation is about.

I say the above, because somethings you can compromise on, and some things you can't.

If you've got plans already in place, then IMO should be your DH that compromises with you, as he must have known you had pre existing plans before he planned this new thing, and it's selfish of him to expect you to have to cancel/change those plans.

I could be totally wrong, but I'm guessing it's maybe something to do with your OH's family?

theoretica

I am not usually in favour of faking illness, but stress can cause splitting headaches...

notanewuser

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

I think specifics need to be given really, as it's very hard to advise on a situation when you don't know what that situation is about.

I say the above, because something you can compromise on, and some things you can't.

I could be totally wrong, but I'm guessing it's maybe something to do with your OH's family?

That obvious, huh?!

Okay, the short version. It's DD's birthday in a couple of weeks. There is so much going on in October that I really just wanted to keep it simple. So I arranged, loosely, that we'd get her best friends together for a little tea party and that DH and I would take her somewhere fun for a day trip (stay over etc). All of this was discussed and agreed with DH.

He was working near where they live one day this week, so he went up there for a day and a night, then came back and announced that his parents, brother and a couple of kids wanted to come down that weekend and stay with us. That means cancelling the day trip, changes the dynamic of her tea party and gives me 3 more adults and 2 small children to wait on hand and foot during a weekend i should be enjoying with DD. Oh, but hang on, it depends whether a tradesman they're waiting for is available that week. They won't know until a few days before.

I suggested that they stay in the hotel down the road. Nope. I suggested that we get October out of the way and invite them down for bonfire night instead. He went mad.

As an added complication, 2 of our bedrooms are upside down at the moment. I start the second year of a degree next week and could really do without getting behind straight away because I'm clearing bedrooms for people that may or may not come.

Grrrrrrr.

double_mummy

oh hell no!!!!!

it is my LOs birthday monday everyone fits into our plans and if they havent contacted us well in advance then they get to work around us not the other way around

no no no no no no no no

you have plans if they only decide to bother to TELL you what they WILL be doing a couple of weeks before hand then it is their problem not yours they can come at another time and learn their lesson for next time

Gavin83

Why can't he clear the rooms? They're his relatives.

notanewuser

double_mummy wrote: »

oh hell no!!!!!

it is my LOs birthday monday everyone fits into our plans and if they havent contacted us well in advance then they get to work around us not the other way around

no no no no no no no no

you have plans if they only decide to bother to TELL you what they WILL be doing a couple of weeks before hand then it is their problem not yours they can come at another time and learn their lesson for next time

Thank you. I pretty much expect it from them, to be honest. It's DH's wounded puppy "but they never get to come and see me" routine and his willingness to !!!! on me and DD over it that grates. Especially when we can go months without contact from them and they NEVER ask about DD when they do call.

notanewuser

Gavin83 wrote: »

Why can't he clear the rooms? They're his relatives.

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

a) He's a consultant on a day rate. It would cost us a fortune.
b) He'd have to ask me where every single thing should go.

Mojisola

notanewuser wrote: »

He feels very strongly about the thing, and is either completely incapable or unwilling to hear my perspective on it.

notanewuser wrote: »

came back and announced that his parents, brother and a couple of kids wanted to come down that weekend and stay with us.

That means cancelling the day trip, changes the dynamic of her tea party and gives me 3 more adults and 2 small children to wait on hand and foot during a weekend i should be enjoying with DD. Oh, but hang on, it depends whether a tradesman they're waiting for is available that week. They won't know until a few days before.

I suggested that they stay in the hotel down the road.

How about you book into the hotel with some of your uni work and let him do all the planning and organising and wait on them all weekend?