Middle names?

DigForVictory

A judicious use of relatives names is an easy win - so much so, it's worth going over the extended family trees & family stories & listening for spontaneous "I like that"s... (How son #3 got both his names!)

If anyone asks why a middle name (and indeed Why Just One) explain you have an eye on future genealogists. (We've an unbroken line of our version of John Smiths - currently at 26 recorded generations. We regard middle names as *vital* - or Dad's car insurance costs him a kidney, son gets hairraising credit & both cop it from the library for late fines...)

We also have a cousin with a placename as a middle name ('way before Brooklyn, & of the house my mother was raised in) so dig out your address book (&/or atlas?!) too?

Don't limit yourself to One Middle Name - there's no law against two or three (although over 5 & you're heading into Royal & football team territory), but do please eye the initials carefully! Yes, a long Full Name is a chore on exam papers, but having an interesting one sets theose who mark off on an intrigued foot.

Why Himself is being difficult with a name that will appear in all its length at worst 3 times (birth, marriage & death) I do not understand. The whole TTC circus is tough enough - you are absolutely right & reasonable to want to reference your history in your child's name. His paranoia is understandable but should be gently leant on. Can you find any sports legends (past or present) with names you'd like to your children to wear which might be less difficult for him to accept?

It may seem daft, but might the medical team be helpful here? Can they put it to him that cossetting you is good for the odds? (Have any of them got intriguing names? You're going to see them a bit, may as well ask!)

I have to say weeping on his mothers shoulder sounds unlikely to be productive but documenting the family tree, getting a wider range of names, hearing additional family stories he hasn't told you - something may click... (See how son#3 above! Ah, the things I blame(d) on hormones!)

Also have you any gloriously named relatives you can nominate as godparents? You include their name as a gesture of love & affection & trust, no? Better still, perhaps, if such a hero or heroine is recently deceased - a tribute to their memory?

I'm uneducated on Catholic naming conventions & godparents - so might a chat with the padre pay dividends? Might anything blessed in the eyes of God trump local quibbles, or at least hush some relatives!?

For negotiation purposes only, you may want to pick a name he'd really flinch from (captain of the opposition of his beloved football or the equivalent) and sound gung ho for that until the family name you'd prefer seems reasonable!

Whatever the beloved child is finally named, please try to play the game as lightly as you can. OK I've left all the realpolitik tactics I've used or observed in play, but they're tactics in a game. The child/ren are what matter. I can point to a smashing girl with a lovely name, middle name & surname, who is universally known as Sid as that is what her family (parents, brothers, & by EDD grabndparents & schoolmates) called her in utero (after a tearful explosion about "It") & it stuck.

May your hopes blossom, and may you amass a stack of names you both like & a brood of children bouncing around wearing them lightly & happily!

lulu_92

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

If you're planning the biggest move of your life - to bring a child into the world - then you need to be sure you're with the right man.

Your partner doesn't appear to value your views as equal to his own.

This might appear to be a trivial disagreement but it isn't really, is it? You should be equal partners and both have an equal say in decisions.

This is ringing alarm bells for a lot of posters on here... perhaps take a moment to think about why you even think it's ok to put your wishes below those of your man.

Why should you play second fiddle?

I think everyone is making it out to be a lot worse. He is not forbidding it. He is just disliking every name I suggest and pulls a bit of a face when I bring up wanting these names - but I do think it's just down to his personal preference. Maybe, like me, he's worried about the kid being bullied at school by racist kids?

He doesn't know what it's like to have roots like mine and how the family dynamic is a bit different (he didn't realise that we don't drink at family gatherings until a few months ago, that was totally unheard of to him) so I have put most of it down to ignorance and not him putting his needs before mine. If you met him you would realise that he is not selfish in the slightest!

It might just be that I haven't found the name that makes him scream "Eureka!" and I am confident that I will.

Thank you for all of your responses, although I was hoping for more name suggestions as opposed to criticisms of my relationship.

I am a bit miffed to see that a few of you are suggesting that I shouldn't spend my life with him because of a little dispute over a child's name, one that hasn't even been conceived yet! I am aware that you are entitled to your own opinions and I welcome those but I think that is a harsh suggestion. He has never spoken about my race or background negatively and always treats my family and I with nothing but respect. I know this guy very well, if he didn't like my background he would have done a runner three years ago.

Buzzybee90

Haven't read the whole thread but I really like Niamh Charlotte.

If I ever have a son he will have the name I've had picked out since I was 16. My problem is there's 2 two middle names I love which go really well together... But I want a double barrelled surname :L

CH27

lulu_92 wrote: »

Look, I've tried my best.

His mum asked me why we weren't going to get married in a Catholic church because of his roots (he never goes to church!) and I said that in that case we were going to get married in a Mosque because of mine :rotfl: and that soon shut her up!

I don't mind the Irish first names at all. I've always liked the name Niamh. I think there are some beautiful Pakistani names that would be perfect as middle names and go beautifully with the first names but it's finding ones that OH is okay with - he wants more traditional names but is okay with some of the girl names. It's when I get to boys names he starts shaking his head!

I think he thinks that they're going to be more Irish because he's 1/2 Irish and I'm 1/4 Pakistani, which genetically I think both heritages are equally important. I don't want my kids to not know about their background once my grandfather isn't around.

lulu_92 wrote: »

OH is not Catholic, nor was he raised to be one by his parents. We have already said that there will be no christening/confirmation etc as I do not see the point if we are not going to be practising any faith.

Yeah first names were a joint choice as I liked the idea of Irish names, but wasn't keen on Jack as a name (I know a guy with that name, don't like him much :rotfl:) so I compromised.

It does annoy me that he automatically vetoes any Pakistani name I bring up but what can I do? I'm trying my hardest to persuade him but it's so hard.

lulu_92 wrote: »

I'm just not a big fan of the name (no offence to any Anns!)

Yes, it does feel like he puts his roots before mine and I've told him about it so many times - deep down I think he's worried about introducing any baby to his side and revealing a "foreign" name that they wouldn't approve of. (his family know about my roots, yet continue to use racist language around me, not towards me though, thankfully)

I was really set on the name Alia or a variation of spelling (Aaliyah, for example) but he just dismissed it.

My comments have been based solely on your words.

Mojisola

lulu_92 wrote: »

Jack was the name of OH's grandfather, and Niamh is because of his Irish roots. I wanted to pick middles names to show my Pakistani roots but he's dead against it (don't ask) so my original idea was to have my grandfather's name as a middle name but he won't let me do it!!

lulu_92 wrote: »

Yes, it does feel like he puts his roots before mine and I've told him about it so many times - deep down I think he's worried about introducing any baby to his side and revealing a "foreign" name that they wouldn't approve of. (his family know about my roots, yet continue to use racist language around me, not towards me though, thankfully)

I was really set on the name Alia or a variation of spelling (Aaliyah, for example) but he just dismissed it.

lulu_92 wrote: »

I think everyone is making it out to be a lot worse. He is not forbidding it. He is just disliking every name I suggest and pulls a bit of a face when I bring up wanting these names - but I do think it's just down to his personal preference.

I am a bit miffed to see that a few of you are suggesting that I shouldn't spend my life with him because of a little dispute over a child's name, one that hasn't even been conceived yet!

All we know is what you've written - if he doesn't like the names you've suggested, that's different to dismissing your ideas and not letting you have your choice which is what you first said.

Little things can ring alarm bells with people who have seen relationships go bad. It would concern me that he doesn't seem willing to accept that any children will have your genetic background as well as his and will want to know about it and celebrate all their origins. Their school friends will know that you are their mother - not having a 'foreign' name won't stop racist bullying if it's going to happen.

I also don't think he's got a good argument about a 'foreign' name if he wants a daughter called Niamh. Although it's a nice name, your daughter will spend her life having to spell it out whenever she gives her name and lots of people who see it written down won't have a clue how to pronounce it.

Indie_Kid

Mojisola wrote: »

I also don't think he's got a good argument about a 'foreign' name if he wants a daughter called Niamh. Although it's a nice name, your daughter will spend her life having to spell it out whenever she gives her name and lots of people who see it written down won't have a clue how to pronounce it.

I get this a lot and it's rather annoying. I get it with my surname too. I just tend to spell my surname out instead of saying it - I'd have to spell it anyway.

To make it worse, my surname is English / Scottish.

Tiddlywinks

lulu_92 wrote: »

Jack was the name of OH's grandfather, and Niamh is because of his Irish roots. I wanted to pick middles names to show my Pakistani roots but he's dead against it (don't ask) so my original idea was to have my grandfather's name as a middle name but he won't let me do it!!

lulu_92 wrote: »

It does annoy me that he automatically vetoes any Pakistani name I bring up but what can I do? I'm trying my hardest to persuade him but it's so hard.

lulu_92 wrote: »

I think everyone is making it out to be a lot worse. He is not forbidding it. He is just disliking every name I suggest and pulls a bit of a face when I bring up wanting these names - but I do think it's just down to his personal preference. Maybe, like me, he's worried about the kid being bullied at school by racist kids?
..........

I am a bit miffed to see that a few of you are suggesting that I shouldn't spend my life with him because of a little dispute over a child's name, one that hasn't even been conceived yet! I am aware that you are entitled to your own opinions and I welcome those but I think that is a harsh suggestion. He has never spoken about my race or background negatively and always treats my family and I with nothing but respect. I know this guy very well, if he didn't like my background he would have done a runner three years ago.

Sorry but your opening posts show that he isn't willing to let you have an equal say in the name of your own child... those posts I've quoted are your words!

onlyroz

Our daughter has my name as her middle name and our son has my husband's name as his middle name. My own middle name is my grandmother's name.

If you can find an "acceptable" name from your own culture then I think you should go with that. Perhaps if you picked a name from your side of the family (e.g. a grandparent, aunt, uncle etc) then hubby might have more difficulties dismissing it.

tea_lover

There's a difference between not agreeing on names and not 'allowing' you to choose the ones that reflect your heritage.

When my OH and I were TTC and going through IVF we had many a heated discussion about names.... it still amazes me we managed to agree on a name for the cat as we didn't agree on a single baby name. However, not once did I get the impression he was in charge and wouldn't let me do things.

People have responded the way they have based on your posts about your OH and his family. If they sound controlling and racist that's because that's how you've portrayed them.

Lily-Rose_3

tea_lover wrote: »

There's a difference between not agreeing on names and not 'allowing' you to choose the ones that reflect your heritage.

When my OH and I were TTC and going through IVF we had many a heated discussion about names.... it still amazes me we managed to agree on a name for the cat as we didn't agree on a single baby name. However, not once did I get the impression he was in charge and wouldn't let me do things.

People have responded the way they have based on your posts about your OH and his family. If they sound controlling and racist that's because that's how you've portrayed them.

I agree. I also agree with what CH27 said. I am getting bad vibes about why he doesn't want these 'Pakistani sounding names.' And I don't think it's got anything to do with him just not liking them.

I find it a bit disturbing also, that the OP said that her other half's family are quite racist. She says it doesn't bother her too much, but she is a quarter Pakistani (apparently,) so despite what she says, I guarantee that her OH's family WILL have a problem with this.

I reckon this is why he doesn't want the child to have any 'Pakistani sounding' middle name.

Going back to the original post, I quite like middle names, but no more than one. Otherwise it's just a bit much IMO.