Transgender help.

CH27

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

Its clear to see that bigotry is well alive today in Blighty. The best laugh was from that woman who wouldnt share a bedroom with a lesbian friend. She must think that shes really something.

I'm surprised Edwardia hasn't been along to tell us she was right :rotfl:

notanewuser

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Okay,...I will literally spell it out for you re "hard won personal experience" of having shared a bedroom with someone that is attracted to the sex I am, as you apparently couldn't interpret it.

Interpretation = having naively shared a bedroom with a man I thought of as just a friend and it would be platonic, I found out I had made a mistake because they raped me.

Was that clear enough to understand? or do I have to try and phrase it even more clearly than that?

Clearly a horrific experience for you. But not all men or lesbian women are potential rapists!!

duchy

SailorSam wrote: »

Even though she's a woman i can see why she'd changed her clothes for the funeral. It was for you. Which shows how caring she is, and that's the only thing the WI should judge on.

Surely the problem is that the ladies have accepted your partner as a woman -whether knowingly or otherwise -and by dressing as a man for a public event they may feel that it's a bit of a pick and mix choice-and don't like it. I see why they did - but I can also feel that those that realized felt it wasn't the serious choice they assumed it was......and those that didn't realize the situation and hadn't realized the transgender aspect may have been quite shocked.

I think in this situation I'd probably write an open letter to the group- explaining how much you value their friendship and acceptance and explaining the reasons why your partner dressed that way for the funeral and assuring them that they regard themselves as female in every way and you hope they will see it the same way.
Offer to answer any questions they may have.

Basically lay it all out to stop any gossiping or misunderstanding of the situation and hopefully most will understand.

dandelionclock30

The WI shouldnt be making judgements about anything at all to do with what the partner wears. If he/she sometimes even wanted to dress up in s and m gear or as a chicken it would be upto them end of.

z.n

tea_lover wrote: »

The OP and her partner have nothing to apologise for. There are quite a few others (in the WI and on this thread) who can't say the same.

I see it this way- If I accidentally bump into someone/shock them/ scare them then regardless of blame or political correctness I would apologise. My intention was not to cause alarm or offence but I did- and I am sorry it caused upset. In return, I would expect them to respect and reciprocate my efforts at resolution. Happens every day. That does not mean I apologise for who I am/that I only have one leg and so stumble and bump people more than average- simply that I respect the other person and have concern for their well-being.

By the same token I think OP is entitled to an apology for offence caused- but given the circumstances and in the longer view, I think it would be best for OP to get the communication ball rolling.

I think Duchy has made a most sensible suggestion if face to face explanation feels too risky. My 'apology' would be something like 'We are sorry we have caused a bit of a stir- please can we explain'. Missing out the apology would seem ill-mannered to me. Maybe I apologise too much!

jhgkp

Hello

Sorry I have not wrote before now as I am using my work computer, during lunch, to read this thread.

I want to say thank you to all you kind people. It is nice to know that I shouldn't be made to feel that all this is our fault. I am prepared to answer any questions they may have. I guess I have to wait to see what they want from us - her out or or in?

I was very touched that she came to my Mums funeral as her former self. But wonder why its took this long for someone to mention it - Mum died in February.

She has been to the gender clinic and is on the waiting list for surgery. But as someone said surgery doesn't make you who you are - I have now met a few transgender females who haven't had any but are lovely ladies.

Thank you once again for all your comments - I hope I haven't upset anyone - it has never been my intention here or in the outside world.

moneyistooshorttomention

I can see that that is genuinely the stance you are coming from, ie of not wanting to upset anyone. It is clear you do feel that way.

The thing I am wondering is whether this whole issue might blow up in the face of the WI and blow the organisation apart in the long term if pursued. I hold no brief for the WI. I don't belong to them and don't even wish to belong to them, as I just don't share any interest in cakemaking/jam-making/etc, so wouldn't join, as I'd envisage not having much in common with them. I may have a totally wrong picture of the WI and it will obviously vary a lot according to the particular group concerned and I've certainly heard of a few very "non-traditional" groups (a certain calendar for instance;)).

It is something that I do wonder if it would go the same way as the Church of England and the female bishops debate has gone. I'm not a C. of E. person and I agree with having bishops of both sexes, but it was a hugely divisive issue to the C. of E. I can see (viewing as an outsider). I believe it went in favour of women being able to be bishops as well in the end?? and agree that that is the correct way to be.

I do have respect for the WI, however, despite having no wish whatsoever to join them and wonder what sort of effect raising an issue like this might have on such a respected institution, as its very clear that it might be something that might get raised by a few people determined to put a point over absolutely regardless of the welfare of the organisation as a whole.

Fighting for one person might result in a whole organisation suffering a heavy body blow and I fully appreciate that this wouldn't have been the deliberate intention at the outset by yourself.

If this were to blow up into a "national thing" (and there would be a few people who would actually want it to) then I can foresee the whole W.I. splintering apart and I think that would be a shame (even if the moneysaving part of me thinks "Perhaps I should lay a bet at the bookies now that in 10 years time IF...." that the whole WI could have split into 2 or 3 splinter groups).

(Yep...I'm in "Whats the future mode?" today and this is in my mind as a 10% chance some people will want to pursue their own agenda and use WI as a tool to do so - along with the "We will still be Britain come Friday - but it will be a close call").

lostinrates

notanewuser wrote: »

Clearly a horrific experience for you. But not all men or lesbian women are potential rapists!!

A horrific experience indeed, and one that deserves sympathy.

But, let's be clear also, rapists do not need beds. A friend who is going to rape you, and this is not a rare type of rape, can rape you in your sitting room or his, in someone else's house, in your separate hotel room when he pops in to borrow some tooth paste or for a night cap, or you pop in to meet him for dinner.

Personally, I don't want to share hotel rooms with friend because I just don't any more, or with previous few. I'm cranky and private, and not always a pleasant companion at the end of the day.

moneyistooshorttomention

You are very right LIR on that one.

Rapists don't need a "bedroom set-up" indeed. People of that type will use/abuse whatever circumstances they see as suitable for that sort of behaviour. I have had non-bedroom circumstances where a man was clearly absolutely determined to "have his way" and managed to prevent it only by threatening his career if he didn't "stop trying right now OR ELSE". It shouldn't be necessary to be on guard against potential rapes/non-fully consenting sex acts all the time...but this is The Real World and, sadly, it is.

However, it doesn't change the need to prevent the "most likely" circumstances in which such things might happen to people.

There are many "precautions" that we learn (hopefully...) as we get older and have more "life experience" and not sharing a bedroom with someone who is/might be attracted to the sex you happen to be is but one of them.

Personally, I shudder at just how naïve I have been in some circumstances over the years and its a wonder I "got off lightly" in some of those circumstances. I so could have done with having a bit (a lot!) more of being "street wise" over the years...but it is the case that many of us are basically "nice people" and honestly don't think that others we associate with may not be...<hits head with embarrassment/upset time for not having realised way way sooner than I did>

It really is astonishing/absolutely horrifying just how many b*stards there are out there if "push comes to shove". I've lost darn nearly every ideal I had over the years personally...and it isn't a happy experience and I have to fight a constant battle against low-level depression as a result of it.

summerspring

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

You are very right LIR on that one.

Rapists don't need a "bedroom set-up" indeed. People of that type will use/abuse whatever circumstances they see as suitable for that sort of behaviour. I have had non-bedroom circumstances where a man was clearly absolutely determined to "have his way" and managed to prevent it only by threatening his career if he didn't "stop trying right now OR ELSE". It shouldn't be necessary to be on guard against potential rapes/non-fully consenting sex acts all the time...but this is The Real World and, sadly, it is.

However, it doesn't change the need to prevent the "most likely" circumstances in which such things might happen to people.

There are many "precautions" that we learn (hopefully...) as we get older and have more "life experience" and not sharing a bedroom with someone who is/might be attracted to the sex you happen to be is but one of them.

I agree with you, actually. Personally I would not share a bedroom, let alone a bed with a man I wasn't interested in, and don't understand why someone would. I can see if you're in a group camping and sharing a tent with a mixed group of friends or something like that, but just a man and a woman sharing, no I wouldn't.

Maybe that makes me old-fashioned but I think it's realistic.

Anyway, this is all a bit off-topic!