Transgender help.

jhgkp

I don't know if this is the right place to look for advice or not but I am looking for it anyway.

I got married in 2007 to my husband. In 2010 he came out - he wanted to be female. Therefore embarking on a journey as a Transgender female. I was shocked and hurt at first but with alot talking etc, I have come to terms with it all and support her.

In 2011, I joined the local WI and thought it would be a good idea is she came with me, be among other females and enjoy the company of sisterhood.

The beginning of this year I lost my mother quite suddenly. She has been the most amazing support to me. But the day of the funeral came and she dressed as male - none of our families know - fear of rejection and hurt. I was so proud of what she done for me and know it was hard for her.

Last week I was at a WI rehersal - I am part of team taking part in a group competition. She doesn't come with me to these as she is not in the competition. One of the ladies suggested we might have to travel day before competition as it is a bit away from home. I asked if my partner could come (we would of paid for her accomodation) and I got an abrupt answer from one of the ladies said - "no (name) is a man!". I just sat there and said nothing. The meeting concluded and everyone left apart from the host and one of the other girls.

They two plus myself, my partner and one other are 5 girls under 60 in the institute we belong to - the young ones as we are known.

Anyway, I asked what happened there. I got told because my partner went as male to my Mums funeral - some of the ladies weren't happy - felt like they were decived. My Mum belonged to the institute but in another area but was well known.

I am now worried. I still don't want to tell my family. My Dads mind has been all over the place since Mum died and don't want to give him any more worries than he needs. He lives far from where I stay, so I don't see him often and only call him once a week (he says he doesn't need checked up on all the time if I call him more).

I don't want to leave the institute - I enjoy it, been doing well, winning an odd wee prize in their competitions here and there. But its my partner - she doesn't know whats happened, I can't hurt her like this - it has helped her confidence being there, knowing she accepted.

They are having a committee meeting and I am sure the subject will be brought up - no men allowed in the instittue. But she is not male - she is a transgender female. I won't be at the committee meeting - not a member of it. I have looked online and found their constitution and doesn't say anything in that you have to be genetically female and I did find that one transgender female wrote to them at HQ and got the reply she would be made more than welcome.

I guess I am looking for some reassurance and advice. Thank you for taking your time to read this. I guess I needed to talk and get it out instead of building up inside me.



PS My mum knew - I talked to her before she died and she was fine but didn't think the rest of my family would be but we would work it out - too late now.

lostinrates

jhgkp wrote: »

They are having a committee meeting and I am sure the subject will be brought up - no men allowed in the instittue. But she is not male - she is a transgender female. I won't be at the committee meeting - not a member of it. I have looked online and found their constitution and doesn't say anything in that you have to be genetically female and I did find that one transgender female wrote to them at HQ and got the reply she would be made more than welcome.

I guess I am looking for some reassurance and advice. Thank you for taking your time to read this. I guess I needed to talk and get it out instead of building up inside me.

.

Where I would start is by printing off a copy of the information you have found about this letter and then by contacting HQ to ask for advice before this blows up.

Head it off and nip it in the bud. Your partner needs to know what's going on too. You cannot protect her, but can stand with her.

Errata

I got married in 2007 to my husband. In 2010 he came out - he wanted to be female. Therefore embarking on a journey as a Transgender female. I was shocked and hurt at first but with alot talking etc, I have come to terms with it all and support her.

When did all the hormone treatment and surgery happen? When was the gender changed on all the official documents? All that makes a difference to how people react.

RuthnJasper

OP, your partner is lucky to have you standing alongside her. I agree with Lostinrates - get on to HQ. Presumably these bigoted shrews were perfectly happy in her company before they found out the history? If so, that says more about them than it does about you and your partner.

Best wishes to you both (I am sorry about your mum). x

tea_lover

Errata wrote: »

When did all the hormone treatment and surgery happen? When was the gender changed on all the official documents? All that makes a difference to how people react.

Well it shouldn't. If someone identifies as a woman (or man) and chooses to live that way, it is b*gger all to do with anyone else when or if they've had surgery etc.

pmlindyloo

No matter what HQ says you still have to deal with your local WI.

I am wondering whether there is a way of enlisting the support of those who you are most friendly with? Plus, approach the Chair and explain your anxieties.

An explanation as to why your OH went dressed as a male to the funeral might build bridges. A visit/talk from a support group (google with your local area for more info.) to the WI might be the way forward.

I do agree that you need to address any 'problems' quickly. Nothing worse than tittle tattle and misinformation.

As regards the trip away I am wondering if the best approach about this might be to go with 'no partners allowed type thing', only the competitors to go up and stay overnight?

HPoirot

Errata wrote: »

When did all the hormone treatment and surgery happen? When was the gender changed on all the official documents? All that makes a difference to how people react.

I agree with this. The lines are often blurred, officially and in everyday life, until the final transition is made. I can see the point of the ladies that no men are allowed, and I guess their reaction would be the same should one of the WI ladies were to start proceedings to become a man. As for you hurting your OH, I do not see the basis of this - you didn't exclude her did you? The WI ladies did, by rightly or wrongly sticking to their rules as they know it.

Grumpygit

I would also tell her what has happened but make it clear that you stand by her.

It can be difficult for the "older generation" to fully understand how someone can do and feel like this.

Did she dress as a man post op/treatment for the funeral while dressing as a lady before?

I can appreciate how this may have looked to some of the others and they will be in shock by it as they had accepted her and only known her as a lady prior to this.

A close family member was transgender who unfortunatly died young due to cancer, however, there were some people who only knew her (and not him) who were shocked when this was bought up during the service (I was totally against this revelation but was over-ruled by her dad (who never really accepted "her" and her semi estranged brother but that's a whole other matter).

What I am trying to say is that there will always be shock and intrigue and opposite opinions and those who are totally against what your husband has done, as long as she is happy and has supportive family and friends who will accept that person for who they are not what they look like, then that's all that matters.

It's not an easy path for them to go down and it takes guts, determination and a belief in themselves that they are not wrong and they will come against some people who just don't understand. Tell her to hold her head up high and have the confidence to know that they are just narrow minded and she should feel sorry for them.

It's not her problem but theirs.

HPoirot

tea_lover wrote: »

Well it shouldn't. If someone identifies as a woman (or man) and chooses to live that way, it is b*gger all to do with anyone else when or if they've had surgery etc.

I think the point is whether one is officially male or female, however one chooses to dress.

peachyprice

tea_lover wrote: »

Well it shouldn't. If someone identifies as a woman (or man) and chooses to live that way, it is b*gger all to do with anyone else when or if they've had surgery etc.

In this instance I think it does. If she has had or is planning to have surgery and has officially changed her gender she is protected by more sexual discrimination laws.

moneyistooshorttomention

It is each persons individual decision as to whether to go along with the sex of the body they were born into. I think most of us just think of ourselves as "people" (ie rather than as a man or a woman)????

I've been friends with a transsexual before and that was something I ultimately couldn't accept(as I'm heterosexual and only date men). Fair enough, they chose to think of themselves that way, and at least they had been honest with me about it before we got that involved.

I feel very sorry for people who marry a member of the opposite sex and THEN find out that...whoops...they aren't actually iyswim. To me, my mind struggles as to why someone would stay with someone who regards themselves as a different sex to what the spouse "signed up to", as I certainly wouldn't and would think "I married a man...so if they aren't a man any more...then..oh well...divorce it is then".

You have been very very forgiving to stay with someone who turned out to be a different sex to what you "signed up to".

It isn't prejudice at all in the circumstances you have described. Its just down to people wanting to know exactly what the sex is of the person they are dealing with. They are confused, because they don't know whether they are male (and should be treated as a man) or female (and should be treated as a woman).

I understand their dilemma. On two separate trips I've had in the past, I was quite happy to share a bedroom with a female friend that I was quite sure was a heterosexual woman (ie as I am myself). On another occasion, the friend that was with me was a lesbian and I must have realised that they were at some level (though they hadn't come out of the closet at that point) and I treated them exactly as I would a male friend and booked two separate rooms for us.

I honestly think that's all it boils down, ie people not knowing what sex to treat your partner as and therefore plumping for the one they were born as. There isn't a third option of "a person - never mind what sex they are" in some contexts in our society (eg changing rooms in clothes shops/women only events/etc).