Dealing with insecurity

itsanne

Becles wrote: »

I don't know what to do. My heart says yes as I still get the fluttery feeling when I think about him. However my head says no

Listen to your head and you'll know what to do. That 'fluttery feeling' is panic - run.

BigAunty

Relationships require a balance of power and mutual respect. Are you happy to prioritise your partner's emotional well being over your own?

There may be a 'reason' behind his behaviour but this doesn't require you to have to tolerate it.

It sounds like he thinks a relationship should have some kind of therapeutic role and its your responsibility to make him happy.

A destination for a serious relationship are things like co-habitation, marriage and him becoming a step-dad but it sounds like it's not going to be a smooth journey. It's more like having an extra needy child to look after or stalker. Do you want a person with lots of issues to have responsibility for your child?

You've already got huge doubts about the methods he employs to get his own way - the guilt tripping, his rather bizarre definition of what he insists constitutes a real relationship - and now he is still being manipulative by bombarding you with sob stories.

suejb2

He sounds high maintenance.some people like that though,horses for courses as my dad would say.

SandC

itsanne wrote: »

Listen to your head and you'll know what to do. That 'fluttery feeling' is panic - run.

You know that tingly feeling you get when you really like someone?

That's common sense leaving your body.

Izadora

BigAunty wrote: »

There may be a 'reason' behind his behaviour but this doesn't require you to have to tolerate it.

I don't think (I certainly hope!!) I've ever been as bad as this guy sounds, so not sure how well it would work with him, but I find that someone not tolerating my insecurity is the best thing they can do. If I'm having an attack of the crazies my boyfriend will quite happily point out just how ridiculous I'm being, which tends to calm me down, and the longer we've been together the fewer and further between they've become.

victory

If he has this many issues so early on, he needs professional help, you are not his saviour, you do not need the pressure, ask him to go for help, he can't just burden you, how is that fair?

pinpin

That would drive me a bit nuts. I thought it was supposed to be the girls who are all needy and insecure?

I've spent most of my life being single. I can't stand 'obligation' and really like my own company.
The one time I was in a relationship of sorts, I ended it pretty quickly. I remember if I didn't reply to a text instantly because I was in the shower or busy at work etc, I'd get another one minutes after saying ''is there something wrong? Do you not want to talk to me>>???'' ''have you gone off me?? '' etc.

In fairness, i've got a few male friends who sound a little bit like this guy.
When I hear them on the phone to their girlfriends, I genuinely cringe!

I'm destined for a life of singlesville, I think, lol

aileth

pinpin wrote: »

That would drive me a bit nuts. I thought it was supposed to be the girls who are all needy and insecure?

I suppose stereotypically yes, but my ex (male) was a nightmare, texts every 30 minutes, followed up with a '?' if I didn't respond within under five, and when we met up he would attach to me like a limpet.

Yes, I suppose new couples are a bit more 'cuddly feely', but it would p*ss me off so much when, for example, I was carrying something and he wanted a hug. Like sod off, I am busy, you have hugged me 16 times in the past hour, can you not chuffing wait?

Well, I don't tend to tiptoe around so I told him it blunt. He got a lot better to be fair, but it didn't work out in the end. It was nothing to do with him having 'issues' (although he wasn't scared of me going to another room like OP's fella, that's a different kettle of fish)! He was just the world's biggest wet blanket.

InsideInsurance

Becles wrote: »

I don't know what to do. My heart says yes as I still get the fluttery feeling when I think about him. However my head says no as I'm struggling to deal with all the issues I've listed above and I'm scared of getting hurt.

Has anyone else been in a relationship with someone with insecurity issues and how did you manage to cope with it?

(1) are you sure its HIM that gives you the fluttery feeling or is it a more general idea of "someone" and he just happens to be the someone of the moment?

(2) nothing you've said points to you getting hurt? It points to a choice of if you can deal with his insecurity or not. If you are willing to have a shadow for life then I dont see why you'd get hurt?


My wife was a little insecure when we first got together but nothing like what you experienced. Her issue was very much in connection with work nights out/ parties etc. Placating her initially, her actually attending one or two and declaring them boring as hell and not some booze fueled orgy all helped and now she is 99% comfortable with them without a lot of extra attention/ txt messages etc

I wouldnt want to deal with someone as bad as he sounds.

SandC

I've seen it a lot in men actually. My take is that often men really, really want to meet an independent woman but when they do, they can't handle it and feel very insecure. They often want to feel needed rather than just wanted and they just can't deal with it.

I've had instances of the insecure type who thinks you are going to go off with someone else at the drop of a hat. At the end of my tether I had to respond to the inquisition one time with 'why the hell would I subject myself to this aggravation twice over with some other bloke as well????'