Dealing with insecurity

Becles

I started seeing someone in February but we broke up last month. He's desperate to get back together again but I have some issues that need sorting out first.

He's very insecure. He constantly needed to be reassured that I love him and that I wasn't going to leave him. Sometimes I feel he invents problems that are not there by reading things into things I said. If I say something negative like I'm tired and can't be arsed with work, he'll assume that means I want to break up with him?! I feel like I'm walking on eggshells sometimes.

He's clingy as well which I think is linked to the insecurity. When he was round at mine, he followed me everywhere and didn't like me doing anything on my own. Even if I went to hang washing on the line, he'd follow me out into the garden. I've been a single Mam for a while, so I'm used to being independent and I'm struggling with that.

Sometimes I feel he uses the insecurity to get his own way. He wants to stay round at mine all weekend, but I found that too much too soon. He thinks people in love should spend every minute they can together and I mustn't love him if I don't want him staying all weekend every weekend.

Things all came to a head when I went on holiday abroad which was booked before we got together. The hotel had wifi and I was able to send messages in a morning, on an evening when I was getting ready to go out and before I went to bed. He said that I didn't keep in touch enough with him and I didn't tell him that I missed him enough so he assumed I wanted to end things.

Since then he's been keep asking me to get back with him as he says I'm the best thing that ever happened to him and I'll break his heart if I say no. He blames the insecurity on things that happened to him in the past but he doesn't feel ready to tell me what the bad things are.

I don't know what to do. My heart says yes as I still get the fluttery feeling when I think about him. However my head says no as I'm struggling to deal with all the issues I've listed above and I'm scared of getting hurt.

Has anyone else been in a relationship with someone with insecurity issues and how did you manage to cope with it?

pickledonionspaceraider

I can't imagine why you would want to get back with this guy. In all honesty he sounds more like a project than partner material

He is using his insecurities to control you - and it is a personality trait, you cannot fix this - and it really isn't your problem to fix. You can spend years trying to comfort & reassure him, and it won't change a thing

Which is likely why he was single when you met him.

As a single mum, you have more important things on your plate, and more important people that need your time - than this guy

Sorry if it sounds heartless, but I wouldn't give him time of day

purpleshoes_2

Id run for the hills if I ever met anyone like that.

tea_lover

He doesn't sound like a keeper!

Person_one

Sorry, but I can't see a single thing in your post about him that makes him seem like someone you'd want to get back together with.

You don't owe him yourself just because he wants you, and it sounds like it would be exhausting trying to placate him and keep him reassured all the time. Where's the fun in that?

If he needs some support to deal with issues from his past, the best person to help him with that is a trained counsellor. You could point him in the direction of this online register at http://www.bacp.co.uk then wish him well with it.

Fluff15

He's been controlling and clingy within the first six months of your relationship, he is not your problem to fix and in my opinion it will only get worse.

Do not get back with this man, you have a life of your own with a child who depends on you. A relationship should be an enhancement of your life, you will (and have not) got anything out of this man apart from a pain in the bottom. Move on.

Errata

He blames the insecurity on things that happened to him in the past but he doesn't feel ready to tell me what the bad things are.

Because he doesn't trust you! He sounds like impossibly hard work and the relationship sounds quite toxic.

SandC

I really can't be bothered with people who act all insecure and clingy. I'm aware, though, that others often thrive on it.

For me, although they inevitably have ups and downs, relationships, especially in the early days, should be about fun, getting to know one another etc. not spending your time placating them for their imagined slights.

I'd rather be happy on my own than on eggshells with someone.

spirit

Becles wrote: »

I started seeing someone in February but we broke up last month. He's desperate to get back together again but he has some issues that need sorting out first.

He's very insecure. QUOTE]

Corrected that for you.

As the others have said, I can't see what's in it for you.

heartbreak_star

Another vote for him getting some professional help.

HBS x

aileth

This sounds like a nightmare scenario to me. I know some people have different views on what 'clingy' is, for example my sister thinks that a guy texting her twice in a day is clingy, whereas others it would have to be fairly drastic to be clingy.

Definitely no confusion with the fella you're describing. I would run for the hills.