Dealing with insecurity

Becles

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Is it possible you would benefit from some counselling too Becles?

You should never feel that you are worse off single than in a bad relationship

HBS x

Had some when my marriage broke up to help deal with all the fall out from that and make me realise it wasn't my fault.

I was just lonely on my own and thought some company would be nice. Ideally I was just looking for someone who I could go on dates with and get to know them slowly to make sure things were right.

spirit

Becles wrote: »

Had some when my marriage broke up to help deal with all the fall out from that and make me realise it wasn't my fault.

I was just lonely on my own and thought some company would be nice. Ideally I was just looking for someone who I could go on dates with and get to know them slowly to make sure things were right.[/QUOTE]


and you can still do this, but with someone without so many issues to bog you down in.

shop around and raise your bar.

Indie_Kid

If you date him, he's just going to get worse and worse imo.

BigAunty

Perhaps he has targetted you because you are vulnerable and he is more likely to yield results with someone who is going to be easier to influence than others?

What if the charm that he exhibits towards you and your kid from time to time is just a veneer? After all, he can't seem to maintain it for long periods - that text was very charmless....

It's clear that at the very least he is extremely volatile and manipulative. Don't downplay the bad stuff because there are moments when he is great company.

The nasty side is not going to evaporate, it's part of his core personality and when he realises the brutal side gets exposed, he goes into self pity mode, making you feel guilty for doubting him and distracting you from the negative side.

Errata

Becles wrote: »

I was just lonely on my own and thought some company would be nice. Ideally I was just looking for someone who I could go on dates with and get to know them slowly to make sure things were right.

Fair enough, but you need people who enhance your life not trash it.

purpleshoes_2

BigAunty wrote: »

Perhaps he has targetted you because you are vulnerable and he is more likely to yield results with someone who is going to be easier to influence than others?

What if the charm that he exhibits towards you and your kid from time to time is just a veneer? After all, he can't seem to maintain it for long periods - that text was very charmless....

It's clear that at the very least he is extremely volatile and manipulative. Don't downplay the bad stuff because there are moments when he is great company.

The nasty side is not going to evaporate, it's part of his core personality and when he realises the brutal side gets exposed, he goes into self pity mode, making you feel guilty for doubting him and distracting you from the negative side.

Id agree with this.

purpleshoes_2

Errata wrote: »

Fair enough, but you need people who enhance your life not trash it.

Also agree with this, like I said earlier run for the hills.

Izadora

Becles wrote: »

He's the only person who's shown any interest in me in three years so I don't think I'm much of a catch.

There's good bits. I like his company, he's got the same daft sense of humour as me, and the bairns like him. I'm trying to work out if I can take the rough with the smooth, as I'd rather be with someone than single. But there does seem to be more bad bits than good bits so maybe it's not right. I'm no good at relationships

I know it's not easy to change how you think about things but please try not to think that any relationship is better than none or that he's all you're going to get. If you feel that the bad outweighs the good, especially this early on, then I think you'd be far better off moving on.

Sticking in a bad relationship will not only make you miserable but could also mean that someone you would have a fantastic, fulfilling relationship with will pass you by and you deserve to be happy.

BigAunty

SandC wrote: »

I've seen it a lot in men actually. My take is that often men really, really want to meet an independent woman but when they do, they can't handle it and feel very insecure. They often want to feel needed rather than just wanted and they just can't deal with it.

I was shocked to see this with one of my long-term male friends. He was in a poorly paid manual job, living with his parents and met my other friend, a very affluent career high flyer.

The relationship seemed to emasculate him. As a mutual friend, all I witnessed was him complaining how much money she wasted. After the relationship ended, I found out that he wouldn't help around the house, wouldn't contribute towards the household expenses, wouldn't go on holiday with her and undermined her confidence in many ways, including telling her she was fat and that he'd never marry her. I was stunned that my nice male friend was so disrespectful in the relationship.

His next girlfriend is a disabled lady on benefits and I can't help thinking that this suits him better, being able to take care of someone and be the breadwinner. There aren't any signs of disrespect in this relationship. It just seems that his nose was out of joint with the high flyer and he was resentful for some reason.

tea_lover

Izadora wrote: »

Sticking in a bad relationship will not only make you miserable but could also mean that someone you would have a fantastic, fulfilling relationship with will pass you by and you deserve to be happy.

Also, consider the message this gives your children. They will know if you are not happy. I'm sure you want the best for them in life, and that includes being happy with their own company and confident enough to know that they fully deserve good relationships in their lives.