Dealing with insecurity

purpleshoes_2

BigAunty wrote: »

I was shocked to see this with one of my long-term male friends. He was in a poorly paid manual job, living with his parents and met my other friend, a very affluent career high flyer.

The relationship seemed to emasculate him. As a mutual friend, all I witnessed was him complaining how much money she wasted. After the relationship ended, I found out that he wouldn't help around the house, wouldn't contribute towards the household expenses, wouldn't go on holiday with her and undermined her confidence in many ways, including telling her she was fat and that he'd never marry her. I was stunned that my nice male friend was so disrespectful in the relationship.

His next girlfriend is a disabled lady on benefits and I can't help thinking that this suits him better, being able to take care of someone and be the breadwinner. There aren't any signs of disrespect in this relationship. It just seems that his nose was out of joint with the high flyer and he was resentful for some reason.

The fact that he could be so disrespectful to one girlfriend really isnt a good sign, even though hes respecting someone else. Speaking as someone who has been through similar, with someone like that, someone who calls you fat and makes you feel like you aren't good enough, Id give them a very wide berth indeed. Its really not a good sign at all. I dont think thats emasculation either, it sounds more about putting someone down to make yourself feel better about your own insecurities, classic emotional bullying.

[Deleted User]

Hi Becles, your story could be my life at the moment. Google mark and angels hack life. I found some good information to get me through the past month. My boyfriend was sort of passive/aggressive and when I didn't agree with him he sulked got moody blamed me twisted texts I had sent and gave me the silent treatment. He started off a bit like your boyfriend has been towards you. I gave mine a second chance simply because I wanted make sure I was fully aware of what I didn't want in a relationship. This might seem strange but I had one foot in the door and one foot out (figuratively speaking). It didn't last long the second time and I wasn't surprised. He plotted his own downfall by ending it and when he sent nasty texts and projected the blame onto me which I wouldn't take. He backed tracked and didn't want to end it. Give a person enough rope and they will hang themselves. I just wanted to be 100% sure. He ended the relationship even though he didn't want to because he was manipulative and took everything everyone said the wrong way. He was unhappy and in turn tried to make me unhappy and upset like your boyfriend has to you.
I walked away with no argument which is what he wanted and my dignity intact (even after he trashed me) by simply not replying to his texts and giving him what he wanted. Which clearly wasn't what he wanted at all. You can't help some people. Best let go and move on knowing your happy and probably was a lot happier before you met him, or at least not being upset by his moodiness and texts. You can't help some people and don't try to ... Move on tc x

Delree

purpleshoes wrote: »

You cant say that you dont know that he enjoys this. That might be your experience but some people do get off on controlling others and making them miserable.

Fine it's my experience but what OP describes is very familiar to how I feel. Luckily not act. I'm telling you it's not enjoyable, you're constantly worried, constantly needing reassurance, you over analyse everything and you feel rotten. I cannot see how for the life of me anyone can enjoy those feelings.

Now there are people that get off on controlling others but that's done in a more abusive way.

millysg1

Becles wrote: »

He's the only person who's shown any interest in me in three years so I don't think I'm much of a catch.

I'm trying to work out if I can take the rough with the smooth, as I'd rather be with someone than single.

I would hate to think someone was with me because they don't want to be single!

Why isn't being as happy as possible not more important?

Pippin12

I think the alarm bells rang for me when you said you were constantly 'walking on eggshells'. I spent eight years in a relationship with someone who made me feel just like that and I bitterly regret it. You should feel comfortable and at ease and not like this at all. Get out now when the least damage will be done.

purpleshoes_2

Delree wrote: »

Fine it's my experience but what OP describes is very familiar to how I feel. Luckily not act. I'm telling you it's not enjoyable, you're constantly worried, constantly needing reassurance, you over analyse everything and you feel rotten. I cannot see how for the life of me anyone can enjoy those feelings.

Now there are people that get off on controlling others but that's done in a more abusive way.

There's a lot of control going on in this relationship from what the OP has posted. And elements of the man not being very nice.

giantmutantbroccoli

Delree wrote: »

Fine it's my experience but what OP describes is very familiar to how I feel. Luckily not act. I'm telling you it's not enjoyable, you're constantly worried, constantly needing reassurance, you over analyse everything and you feel rotten. I cannot see how for the life of me anyone can enjoy those feelings.

Now there are people that get off on controlling others but that's done in a more abusive way.

Does it matter if he enjoys it or not? He's making her miserable with it, and seems either unwilling or unable to change. Regardless of how much thought and planning is going into what he's doing, it is incredibly manipulative, and that is not good for the OP's wellbeing or the health of their relationship.

carefullycautious

I would also worry it might become a stalker situation. If you cant do anything right walk away as fast as you can.

Errata

carefullycautious wrote: »

I would also worry it might become a stalker situation. If you cant do anything right walk away as fast as you can.

It's a stalking situation now

When he was round at mine, he followed me everywhere and didn't like me doing anything on my own. Even if I went to hang washing on the line, he'd follow me out into the garden.

Primrose

Years ago I had a relationship with somebody this this. His insecurity issues stifled the life out of me. He couldn't cope with me having an evening with my friends or even a quiet evening on my own without continually ringing me or turning up to check up on me. I felt absolutely persecuted and I suspect before long you will too as all the affection you feel foe him will turn into irritation. Tell him to get some counselling for his lack of confidence and insecurity issues and steer well clear or eventually he will probably pull you down under water with him. Even if your long term desire might be to stay together he has a lot of personal work to do on himself before he is ready to enter into a relationship that stands any chance of surviving with the two of you being equally well adjusted partners.