Newbie to online dating - how do you get matched correctly?

meer53

Chatalouge wrote: »

I took the plunge with trying out online dating. I'm not going to name the site as it might be advertising but i recall reading about the site i joined in martins money saving guide to online dating. I have been on there 4 days and so far not 1 person i have spoke to suits what i'm looking for. Not to be boastful or vain but i would say i'm quite good looking. I'm in my late 20's but all the people i'm being matched with are pretty much all older than me. I think there has been only 2 under 30 so far who have contacted me. Most of the women i spoken to are really boring, they send me a mesage, i look through their profile and think oh yeah they sound interesting and then talk to them to see they are really boring. How are you? How long have you been here? The weather was nice today wasn't it? What music do you like? Blah blah. Not 1 person can have a conversation, instead just ask generic questions which gets tiring after seeing them over and over again. I must be doing something wrong to be getting such bad matches, right?

I think your expectations are too high. 4 days :eek:

Chatalouge

anibell wrote: »

Agreed, sounds like you need to possibly change a few settings.
If you don't want to meet people with children, you need to change settings.
If you don't really want to meet people up to 40 years old, you need to change settings.
Sometimes you need to change the geographical settings e.g how far away people are. Etc, etc, etc.

I don't know what site you're using but did you fill in a very, very detailed questionnaire before you did your profile? That could make a difference in your matches. It takes time with online dating....there is sometimes a lot of weeding to be done

Bear in mind that some people aren't as talkative on the phone or through email....maybe take a chance and meet someone face to face for a coffee.

I have had negative and positive experiences of online dating.....a few idiots along the way but one very nice man who is now my husband

There are no guarantees but good luck

There was quite a lengthy questionairre to fill in which is most like me and what i look for in a partner. I did put friendship and relationship which i have now changed to just a relationship. I would only be interested in older women if she looked like sarah hewson from sky news lol i'm not sure why i'm only getting older interest when the age range i put is 25 - 40. I'm going to change loads of my answers to see if my matches improve because right now its not working.

Chatalouge

giantmutantbroccoli wrote: »

If it's okcupid you're on, be very careful about the questions you answer and the level of importance you place on other people's answers. That will the biggest effect on your matches on that site. Try looking for other people you find attractive on there, ignoring the match % to start off with, and have a look at what questions they regard as important.
For any site it's a good idea to have a look at the "competition" and see what your potential partners are seeing. There are some things that appear again and again in multiple profiles, it's easier to avoid repetition if you know what others are saying about themselves.
Ultimately the best way to find someone you're attracted to is to do the looking and the messaging yourself, rather than waiting for the perfect partner to message you. I get several messages a day from guys on okc who really aren't my type, often with a stupidly low match % to boot, often much older than me. There are some people who seem to think that it's always worth a try.
I personally hate the small talk messages, so if I think I might be interested in someone I usually ask for a meet up early on. Plenty of people who struggle to be interesting in the written word are quite engaging in real life.

I'm on eharmony and the matching system is supposed to work in a scientific way. I have checked out the guys in my local area and i dont see any competition yet but i did !!!! up because 1 guy was gay and he knew i looked at his pro and thought i was gay lol. As for messaging first i have done with a few but they were dull this is why i'm focusing on matches. As you dont like small talk either, swing by and have a chat with me if you are on eharmony

drzoon

Chatalouge wrote: »

As for messaging first i have done with a few but they were dull this is why i'm focusing on matches.

This here is the problem. Women get WAAAAAY more messages than men on any dating site. Attractive women get even more. If you're expecting the young, attractive women (who probably get 100+ messages a day) to come chasing you, you're wasting your time.

The hard fact of it is that men have to send the first message, and they have to send way more than they will ever get responses to. It's a numbers game, and it's in the favour of the women, especially the attractive ones.

If you're not willing to do all the approaching, then online dating is not for you.

giantmutantbroccoli

I have checked out the guys in my local area and i dont see any competition

Are the women you're interested in looking in their local area, or are they looking further afield? Are you sure you'd recognise what sort of man these women find attractive?
I don't know how eharmony displays opposite-sex results, but I noticed on okc that if I looked at women who shared a high match % with me they were intimidatingly intelligent, funny and good looking - whereas if I just looked at women in my area, it looked like I was the only woman under 40 on the site who could spell. If you really want to know, make a fake account (don't use somebody else's picture though!), and answer questions in the way you'd like your potential partner to answer them. Then have a look at what profiles pop up. That will tell you who the competition really is - think of it as market research.

The other thing to look out for is the profile cliches. Everybody likes walks on the beach and cuddles in front of a roaring open fire, nobody wants a guy who knows how women like to be treated, and from my observations approximately 48% of the male online dating population are "unlike other men"! Google can help you find tips on writing a good profile, which is important especially if you think you're not coming across as well as you could be.

I wouldn't worry about some random guy thinking you're gay, it's not like they're going to do anything about it.

As for messaging first i have done with a few but they were dull

Their replies were dull, or their profiles were dull? I wouldn't bother messaging anyone with a boring profile, and if you find their conversation boring just move on to someone else.

Drzoon is right in what he says, except that I'd say his advice applies equally to men and women and I disagree that it's biased in favour of attractive women. The problem is the quality of the messages received. 99.99% of them will be dull, boring or offensive, or from guys who didn't bother reading what you're interested in. Many of the intelligent, interesting women will be out there making the first move, because unlike in real life the only thing that comes to those who wait on dating sites is "hi ur hot wanna chat?" ad naseum.

This does mean that a well-written message will stand out, and a well-written message attached to a nice-looking photo will stand out a mile. If you can combine the photo and message with an interesting and attractive profile, you're much more likely to get replies, or even messages out of the blue. That said, a lot of people just don't reply. I like to make the first move when I find a guy with a good profile, and I only get replies maybe 10% of the time, if that.

If you're after young, attractive, intelligent women, do you match up to those high standards yourself? Attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder, of course, but if you're after somebody fun and interesting you need to make sure you come across that way in your own profile and messages.

I don't know if this applies to you OP, but it's also important not to let any of the women you message or talk to know that you think a lot of the other women on the site are dull, boring, unattractive etc. Nobody wants to feel like they were picked/messaged/whatever because everybody else is terrible!

DUTR

drzoon wrote: »

This here is the problem. Women get WAAAAAY more messages than men on any dating site. Attractive women get even more. If you're expecting the young, attractive women (who probably get 100+ messages a day) to come chasing you, you're wasting your time.

The hard fact of it is that men have to send the first message, and they have to send way more than they will ever get responses to. It's a numbers game, and it's in the favour of the women, especially the attractive ones.

If you're not willing to do all the approaching, then online dating is not for you.

I agree, women should get way more messages than the men, I remember dating a 'nutter', she was getting over 200 messages a day (and trust me, she wasn't what anybody would call a looker) .
Sadly the way the sites and people work, is they will look at the pic as the 1st post to pass.
All the dates I have been on are from being approached, even if I do send a message, it will be a short one, as if the recipient is interested or doesn't have to many posts to sift through, they will reply. The ones I do approach (as in send a message to) are the ones that have viewed my profile.
Like you say it is a numbers game, with odds stacked that if one views your profile, they are more likely to reply to a message.

SailorSam

I'm on PoF and i write quite long chatty messages and it does annoy me to get 2 line replies.
But to be honest i try not asking 'deep' questions 'cos i'd rather leave them until you meet.

Chatalouge

It has went from 1 disaster to another. I dont think i'm cut out for online dating lol. Today well yestrday as its past 12am i received a message from somebody i know :eek: it was so awkward and i felt obliged to speak to her as we used to work together. Now she wants to meet up! My plan of action is to just close down my profile and run because i dont want to date with someone who thinks she's a witch :rotfl:

System

I'll admit i've not tried eharmony but had tried PoF (where i met my ex) and okcupid.

Most recently i was on a free site, more taolired to my interests and talked to a fair few people, abliet i am female but quite often messaged guys who i thought took my interest. Although the guy i am currently in contact with messaged me first (as did my ex come to think if it). Not sure how eharmony works but i tended to search for people based on age and location (no scientific matching lol) and this far that has worked better for me

Chatalouge

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

I'll admit i've not tried eharmony but had tried PoF (where i met my ex) and okcupid.

Most recently i was on a free site, more taolired to my interests and talked to a fair few people, abliet i am female but quite often messaged guys who i thought took my interest. Although the guy i am currently in contact with messaged me first (as did my ex come to think if it). Not sure how eharmony works but i tended to search for people based on age and location (no scientific matching lol) and this far that has worked better for me

I'm giving it up, it feels more complicated than actual dating. If that is you in the pic i would have probably sent you a message, you look quirky