Why should I have children???

busymumy

I havent read the whole thread so apologies if ive missed something.

I just wanted to put my experiences across. I was with a guy for 7 years, we got engaged after about a year and things were wonderful. We moved to another city for better jobs and prospects and things were really moving in the right direction. It wasnt until I started talking about setting a date for the wedding that he said he never wanted to get married or have kids. I was shocked, why did we get engaged in the first place. I tried to talk him round, gave him another year to think about it, to change his mind but he didnt. So I decided to end it, no point being with someone who doesnt want to same things. If I had of known from the start that he didnt want that then I wouldnt have been with him for so long. It was heartbreaking, I loved him so much but could see no future. I guess we all just assume that in a serious relationship marriage and children would follow.

I am now however married happily with 5 children and I do believe things happen for a reason. I married my childhood sweetheart in the end so it was always meant to be.

Personally I think you should be completely honest no matter how painful it will be to both of you. I hated feeling like I had wasted 7 years of my life all for nothing.

SavingPennies_2

meer53 wrote: »

What a load of rubbish. You can't have many friends if this is the conclusion you've come to about people with children. Children are time consuming, especially when they're small but it's possible to live a normal life. Heck, i even managed to go on holiday/have a weekend away/eat out/go to parties/read a book/go to the cinema and i've had two babies. :eek:

If you can't just pick up with someone after not seeing them for a while then you aren't a true friend.

One thing i do agree with you on - you're selfish.

Never understand when people say this. Having a baby is selfish - not having a baby is selfish - either way you are doing what you want. It's irritating when people imply that having children is not being selfish, of course it means lots of sacrifice on your part, but ultimately you are doing it because it's what you want and thats "selfish" too.

bexs2247

Ive spent my whole life telling everyone I never want kids, including my partner and I've done this ever since I was young (don't really know why to be honest). My other half would like a child in a couple of years ( we are 33 now) but I'm not sure if I want one or not. Part of me thinks I might do the other part of me says a big NOOOOO! ( but I would also be embarrassed and feel I would get relentlessly teased by family if I did have a child).

The main thing I am scared of is pregnancy, being "fat" for 9 months, never getting my body back, giving birth. The idea terrifies me. The
He actual child itself would be ok I think.

Plus if I had one my other half would have to stay at home with it as I earn the most money so I would literally go back to work straight away.

Not really sure what to do about it. We are now about to buy a house so I would not want to have one (if I ever did) till I was 35/36 at least.

Not sure what my partner would do if I decided against having one definitely. He wants the choice to have one!

justme111

No reason to have children if you don't want to. No reason to end otherwise perfectly hood relationship for something which may or may not happen in the future either. He may be happily childless , you may change your mind etc etc.
Not being able to relate to children and feeling awkward in their presence , not finding them cute and feeling like cracking the head of a screaming 2 yo one is more common than you think. It's just that people don't talk about it as it is frowned upon by society. I always felt like a weirdo when every woman in the room was cooing to a baby. Has not stopped me from being a mother , dare I say not a bad one at that . Mothers don't have to be cutfrom the same mold to be worthwhile , that's what makes us all different

SandC

I often think I've never settled down because I haven't ever wanted children. I think a big part of having a maternal instinct is finding your 'mate' and a lot of those of us who don't feel that way don't have the same thoughts around partnerships. Or that might be quite exclusive to me but it seemed to me that my ambivalence towards relationships is connected in some way.

As for the 'selfish' question which comes up time and again. To be selfish is to do something to the detriment of others. So how not having a child can affect other people negatively is beyond me...... Although if you do have a child then you should not then expect to lead the lifestyle of the childfree exactly as you did before - that would be selfish.

I wouldn't end things right now but I would have a full and frank discussion on how you feel.

I had an ex who said he never wanted children. He ended up having a child with the woman he cheated on me with but he had no say in the matter and they had finished by the time the baby was born. I assume he's done the right thing and been as much of a dad as possible but for men sometimes if you are adamant about it then you need to make sure you take charge of contraception!

I have also known others to change their mind either as they get older or when they meet that special someone and all of a sudden it just clicks. I had not dismissed this happening to me but I'm now nearly 44 so too late and I'm not surprised (and at least people have now stopped saying that I will change my mind).

And as for friends with kids disappearing - well give em a break, if you've room for them when they come back then embrace them back, if not then you probably never had that much in common anyway.


Good luck with it! I'm sure it will all work out in the end.

Cottage_Economy

SandC wrote: »

I often think I've never settled down because I haven't ever wanted children. I think a big part of having a maternal instinct is finding your 'mate' and a lot of those of us who don't feel that way don't have the same thoughts around partnerships. Or that might be quite exclusive to me but it seemed to me that my ambivalence towards relationships is connected in some way.

I think that is exclusive to you. I've been married 8 years to my soul mate and neither of want children. Didn't before, still don't now.

This idea that you don't get a maternal instinct until you have found your soul mate is a myth. It perpetuates the idea that every woman deep down has the maternal instinct, it's just she may not have found the right person to make her want them.

Yes, people can sometimes change their minds about these things. Why they do is for a host of different reasons, and not necessarily because they meet 'the right person'.

I have a friend who is very ambivalent about relationships, preferring to be single, but she wants children. She has the maternal instinct already, just not the desire to share her life with a man 24/7.

I know someone else who didn't want kids who had a child because she believed abortion is murder and felt she couldn't live with the guilt.

As they say, horses for courses.

SandC

Yeah you're right Grocery, I just overthink things a lot!

Ioanna

Newlyboughthouse wrote: »

I know I never will want them. I have no maternal instinct and feel the world is overpopulated as it is. The way I see it, people seem to be 'breeding' because they still believe that is why they are on this planet for, which nowadays is totally wrong (just my opinion).


Sick to death of everyone nudging me saying 'your turn' or 'you'll change your mind' or 'but you're such a natural' or 'don't you want someone to look after you when you're older?' arrrggghhhhh.

Would really like to see people's views

I know exactly how that feels to not have maternal instinct. Actually, maybe I do have it, and I show it with my nephew, because I'm overly protective. I don't know... The truth is that I don't feel like I have to reproduce.
Maybe I will change my mind someday, who knows. But, my time is slowly passing, and I'm already at the age when it is too risky to conceive for the first time.
For now, I just want to have a dog!
I'm happy because I have full support from my husband.

burlington6

I'm in my 60's so all this happened to me a long time ago but what I've noticed with most of my daughter friends (mid 20's) is they settle for someone then spend all their time looking forward to the wedding.....when that's happened they then rush into having children. At least half a dozen of my daughters friends have ended the relationship in the first two years after getting married and rushing into having children. They see their friends doing it, get jealous or THINK they want the same. Take you time with things!

zarf2007

meer53 wrote: »

What a load of rubbish. You can't have many friends if this is the conclusion you've come to about people with children. Children are time consuming, especially when they're small but it's possible to live a normal life. Heck, i even managed to go on holiday/have a weekend away/eat out/go to parties/read a book/go to the cinema and i've had two babies. :eek:

If you can't just pick up with someone after not seeing them for a while then you aren't a true friend.

One thing i do agree with you on - you're selfish.

Maybe I am, or maybe I have the balls to make a decision and not follow the other sheep because society deems that a requirement to being happy is to have kids.