Is he being immature?

seven-day-weekend

TBH, what's the fuss about? She forgot to say thankyou. She has apologised. That should be the end of it. However, he is now backing off, whether through sulking or insecurity I don't know.

The only way to clear up the misunderstanding is to talk about it, face to face, both being honest and not being influenced by his family.

artbaron

Brighton_belle wrote: »

He doesn't sound 'controlling' to me - just lacking confidence - it is hard sometimes to be with a shy person who doesn't communicate easily

Yet he had the confidence to repeatedly assert to the OP that she should have behaved in a manner he deemed acceptable, and that she should express a suitable amount of gratitude otherwise he would go into a sulk. This requires significant self-entitlement combined with high levels of insecurity and a woeful lack of social skills and empathy. At such an early stage in a relationship, if that's even what it is, it is very abnormal behaviour. Still, proof of the pudding and all that, so in a few months' time if it turns out that I was wrong I'll put my hands up. But I'm not.

jaylee3

missbiggles1 wrote: »

It's just an expression and hardly a rude one! (If I'd shouted it at the OP, as another poster was doing , of course it would be rude.)

Tropez wrote: »

I've sat through enough HR seminars on appropriate language and practice to know that as a general rule of thumb if someone considers something you say to be offensive or rude, then it is offensive or rude.

You might not care that other people consider it to be rude but given you did complain earlier about perceived rudeness then it's only fair that you should be held to similar standards, right?

This post I quoted first is what I meant when I said "This kind of person will turn the tables on others and try to pick faults with them when they are being called out on something, to highlight their own shortcomings."

Rather than look at their own behaviour, they're choosing to bring up something that another poster supposedly did wrong (mentioning someone supposedly being 'rude' earlier in the thread,) to try and take the heat off them Classic sign of guilt; trying to divert blame.

Like someone said earlier, missbiggles made up her mind about the OP from the onset, and had no intention whatsoever of changing her mind or backing down. It's pointless getting into debate with people like this.

jaylee3

susieq87 wrote: »

i actually agree with everything you have just said in this post :T i think there is some confidence lacking and a need to please from his side that he quickly retreats into his little shell in order to protect himself from potential hurt. i think i need to dig deeper into his past to find out what wounded my poor baby

Oh Lord. I give up.

If you think that the poor wounded little lamb of a boyfriend of yours is the victim here, then nothing we can say is going to help you is it?

The vast majority of posters here have given you sound, solid advice about how manipulative and controlling he is and how you have done nothing wrong, and yet you're feeling sorry for him! We can all see what is going on, because we have ALL been there.

But you fight his corner by all means. And you keep tolerating his behaviour, because it WILL continue!

Good luck. You will need it.

See you on here in 12-18 months when you're seeking advice on how to get out of your marriage to your emotionally abusive, controlling, passive aggressive husband, and how his family are making your life a living hell.

Georgiegirl256

susieq87 wrote: »

i am going to try and summarise this as much as possible without draining you all!

we spoke during dinner and he said he was upset about me not saying thank you because of the effort that had gone in getting the tickets, organising travel to accommodate me and felt that a smiple thank you woud have been nice and my apology was not very sincere since it was via text, i should have called him.
i explained that i replied to his message - if he had called me i would have spoke about over the phone.
on sunday (the day after the trip) his friends and family asked him if i had enjoyed myself and he said that he didnt know because i hadnt said anything to him about it. from there they started speculating as to why i wouldnt have said anything and he felt like maybe i wasnt all that interested in him so he decided to distance himself away from me.
when i asked him why i hadnt heard from him since the phone call in the morning he said he was still upset and if i had made conversation with him he'd have spoken to me but i didnt until wednesday morning to which he was surprised because he thought i was going to wait for him to contact me.

in a nutshell he said that he was drawing back because he thought i wasnt interested, he feels like he always have to initiate contact with me and carry the conversations (i am generally a quiet person) and from saturday it made him feel as though i really wasnt interested because i could have at least said something when i got home or the next day saying i had enjoyed myself because my silence made it seem like i hadnt.

See bolded bits above. So basically that's exactly what I said. You gave the impression that you weren't that fussed in either him or the day out that he'd took you on.

It was actually me who used the phrase "face like a smacked a*rse" first, so I don't know why everyone is having a go at missbiggles? It's a turn of phrase, used up here in the North, maybe in other places too, I don't know? It means basically a person having that look on their face like they are not enjoying themselves, like there is something up with them....and that's obviously the impression the guy got too. It's nothing to do with being shy or not. Shy people are still able to express gratitude you know.

Basically OP, I think you BOTH need to grow up and learn to communicate better....or else the relationship probably has no future what so ever.

CH27

susieq87 wrote: »

i actually agree with everything you have just said in this post :T i think there is some confidence lacking and a need to please from his side that he quickly retreats into his little shell in order to protect himself from potential hurt. i think i need to dig deeper into his past to find out what wounded my poor baby

:eek: :eek:

Georgiegirl256

jaylee3 wrote: »

Oh Lord. I give up.

If you think that the poor wounded little lamb of a boyfriend of yours is the victim here, then nothing we can say is going to help you is it?

The vast majority of posters here have given you sound, solid advice about how manipulative and controlling he is and how you have done nothing wrong, and yet you're feeling sorry for him! We can all see what is going on, because we have ALL been there.

You see, I'm totally not seeing it like that. Yes, the guy probably could have handled it better, and so could the OP, however, I'm not seeing that the guy is manipulative and controlling, I'm really not. The OP HAS done wrong, there's no way you can say she's totally innocent in all of this. Also, you say we've ALL been there, well I haven't been there....luckily.

But you fight his corner by all means. And you keep tolerating his behaviour, because it WILL continue!

Good luck. You will need it.

See comments above in red.

seven-day-weekend

I think most people agree that the OP should have expressed in some way that she had enjoyed the day, and I agree even a shy person could have said thankyou. His reaction after she has apologised is also suspect.

There is no communication here, that is the main problem. As I said before, it does not bode well for the future IMHO.

artbaron

jaylee3 wrote: »

See you on here in 12-18 months when you're seeking advice on how to get out of your marriage to your emotionally abusive, controlling, passive aggressive husband, and how his family are making your life a living hell.

The OP has detailed the classic signs of a controlling personality under whose influence she has apparently already fallen. I guess some people need to learn the hard way.

Person_one

susieq87 wrote: »

i actually agree with everything you have just said in this post :T i think there is some confidence lacking and a need to please from his side that he quickly retreats into his little shell in order to protect himself from potential hurt. i think i need to dig deeper into his past to find out what wounded my poor baby

Are you a counsellor? A psychiatrist?

Honestly, that OTT, drama-queen, hand-wringing, woe-is-me, attention-seeking so called 'explanation' would have just made me roll my eyes and tell him it wasn't going to work out (I do have a low tolerance threshold for silly boys admittedly, but still!)

Do you really want a relationship where you spend all your time walking on eggshells and fawning over your 'poor baby's' ever so delicate little feelings? You're young, it's a new relationship, it should be fun and sexy and you should both be walking round grinning at this point.