How to remove son's girlfriend

duchy

Artytarty wrote: »

Just pointing out the assumptions people jump to. It's always Mum that gets the blame! I did not say it was right that father or mother should behave this way thank you very much.
Yes, son should learn to fight his own battles but maybe still needs some help.you can't withdraw support when it's needed most.

I appreciate you posting. I had read it as a mother babying her adult son rather than the slightly more dark scenario you've highlighted.

lostinrates

Mojisola wrote: »

It does sound as if the son needs to learn to stand up for himself but starting with making the GF leave is like being thrown into the deep end to learn to swim.

Not if he is in a parent's home knowing he has support and back up. The deep end really is when you have been cut off or alienated from that support network, as is often the case. This young man is in a fortunate position to be able to have support on nasty, and at least one person to comfort him after wards.

The deep end is really a much bleaker place, though I accept it won't feel like it to him. Even a 'simple' break up usually feels traumatic to those going through it though.

Mojisola

Person_one wrote: »

Really? Isn't it completely normal to have to end your own relationships? Most do it first in their teens, and dramatics are par for the course!

But if he hasn't, expecting him to break up and make her move out of the house is like jumping in the deep end.

If he hasn't, yes, after this relationship has finished, it's high time he learned how to deal with relationships and became independent of his parents.

summerspring

Alfrescodave wrote: »

Son is 24 and started his first serious relationship with a girl last Christmas with her moving in to live with us in January. Yes this was too soon but son was infatuated and couldn't resist her request.
She is nineteen and very immature. He does everything for her and basically waits on her hand and foot whilst she sits around watching TV.
Our house is big enough that we don't have much direct contact with her but we can hear the rows and verbal abuse she gives him.
At last the love bubble has burst and he's told us he wants her to leave but hasn't got the bottle to throw her and her belongings out! so its looking like I'm going to have to do it - which I'm willing to do.


Question is how best to do this :-
> put her clothes in black bags for her when she returns from work ?
> tell her that relationship isn't working and ask her to pack own bags and it would be best for her to return to her parents and offer her transport ?


Any advice offered will be seriously considered though I suspect at the end of the day I'll just tell her to **** off

I would first try option 2, and if that doesn't work, then it'll have to be option 1.

Never live with parents or in-laws! I've seen the grief it causes.

Fwiw I don't agree with posters who say that a 19 year old woman is still a child. I think that's mollycoddling in the extreme. Plenty of people are married and/or have a family at that age. Having said that if the son is 24 and this is his first relationship it sounds like he has possibly been a bit protected, too.

Person_one

Mojisola wrote: »

But if he hasn't, expecting him to break up and make her move out of the house is like jumping in the deep end.

If he hasn't, yes, after this relationship has finished, it's high time he learned how to deal with relationships and became independent of his parents.

Why shouldn't he be the one to do it now though? I genuinely don't understand how it would possibly be better for a 24 year old man to get his dad to tell his 19 year old girlfriend the relationship is over and she needs to go home.

Why should he not have to do it just because it's his first relationship? It sounds like it's all been massively dysfunctional so far, a bit of normality might do him good!

summerspring

I think the waters might be muddied a bit by the fact that this is all happening in the parents home, and therefore the parent(s) feel they have a responsibility to get her out, as well as the son having that responsibility. It does seem odd that they allowed a woman to move in after 1 month, but they must have had their reasons.

Mojisola

Person_one wrote: »

Why shouldn't he be the one to do it now though? I genuinely don't understand how it would possibly be better for a 24 year old man to get his dad to tell his 19 year old girlfriend the relationship is over and she needs to go home.

I don't suppose you've ever been the minor partner in an abusive relationship.

If this young man has been worn down by his GF, he will need help to tell her to go.

As the house she's living in belongs to the parents, why shouldn't they be involved in making sure she leaves quietly?

This situation could well be the wake-up they all need to see that this young man needs to get more experience of life and learn how to stand up for himself - whether that's just from leaving home and getting on with it or with some professional help is for them to decide.

Mad-Frog

lostinrates wrote: »

Not if he is in a parent's home knowing he has support and back up. The deep end really is when you have been cut off or alienated from that support network, as is often the case. This young man is in a fortunate position to be able to have support on nasty, and at least one person to comfort him after wards.

The deep end is really a much bleaker place, though I accept it won't feel like it to him. Even a 'simple' break up usually feels traumatic to those going through it though.

Alfrescodave wrote: »

Son is 24 and started his first serious relationship with a girl last Christmas with her moving in to live with us in January. Yes this was too soon but son was infatuated and couldn't resist her request.
She is nineteen and very immature. He does everything for her and basically waits on her hand and foot whilst she sits around watching TV.
Our house is big enough that we don't have much direct contact with her but we can hear the rows and verbal abuse she gives him.
At last the love bubble has burst and he's told us he wants her to leave but hasn't got the bottle to throw her and her belongings out! so its looking like I'm going to have to do it - which I'm willing to do.


Question is how best to do this :-
> put her clothes in black bags for her when she returns from work ?
> tell her that relationship isn't working and ask her to pack own bags and it would be best for her to return to her parents and offer her transport ?


Any advice offered will be seriously considered though I suspect at the end of the day I'll just tell her to **** off

so not only will your son potentially break her heart you think it is best her parents pick her up to provide transport?

How uncaring are you? She is 19 for goodness sake

However much you dislike hem your feeling do NOT come it to this

duchy

I honestly can't think of any reason good enough after just a month (and I have 22 year old son at home)

If he wanted to move in with a girlfriend I'd encourage him to rent as I don't think starting out living together in the parental home is beneficial to any of the parties. If he complained it was too expensive I'd tell him he'd have to decide if the relationship was worth the extra outlay or not.

As any advice is welcomed ....Can I suggest you think things through before inviting a stranger to share your home in the future?

It seems nowhere does it say anyone in the family has thought of saying to her. This isn't working. I have discussed this with my parents and we all agree it would be better if you moved out. If she cries....tough. He can let her. If she refuses the parents then intervene and say this is our home and you need to leave within 24 hours please.
Nothing she can do.

lostinrates

Flumina wrote: »

Fwiw I don't agree with posters who say that a 19 year old woman is still a child. I think that's mollycoddling in the extreme. Plenty of people are married and/or have a family at that age. Having said that if the son is 24 and this is his first relationship it sounds like he has possibly been a bit protected, too.

I agree with this part. They are both adults. They have had a relationship and they both need to go through the experience of normality of it ending I think.

The presence of third party/parties in the place to maintain order if needed is what creates a safer environment and the protection from 'normal adult responsibility' or 'the deep end' but also the necessary growing experience and responsibility the both need, her for her behaviour, and him for His behaviour and recklessness in feeling he much have a girlfriend live in so quickly.



If there were circumstances that made it seem sensible for you to allow the girl to move in so quickly, has she got somewhere to go At such short notice?