End of relationship

vodkachick68

marisco wrote: »

You cant always count on others to respect your feelings, even if you respect theirs. Being a good person doesn't guarantee that people will treat you well. You only have control over yourself and how you choose to be as an individual. You seem to have lost yourself in the process of valuing this guy too much, and to have forgotten that you are a special person, worthy of being respected and valued. Your confidence has been really knocked hasn't it.

Could seeking individual counselling through somewhere like Relate be beneficial to you? Taking some time out to talk through all you are thinking and feeling with one of their trained advisors, could help you find a new perspective and a way of moving forward from this horrible time in your life positively. Alternatively the Samaritans also offer a fantastic support service.

Thanks Marisco you're so right when u say my confidence has been knocked,I just feel gutted! I think it's the way he's ended it that I am struggling with,it's almost like there is no closure.

My emotions are all over the place,one minute I'm crying and wanting him back and then I'm angry about the way he's handled this. I do know of a someone that offers counselling so think I will book to see her. It's easy for people to say forget him and move on but it's so hard,i miss the things we used to do especially at the weekends,I keep wondering where he is and what he's doing.

I'm off now for some retail therapy and to give the credit card a bashing lol!!!!

Thanks

Primrose

i'm not necessarily suggesting that you do it, but for people like this who don't have the guts to end things openly and honourably and cowardly hide behind ambiguous texts , a single white feather mailed without a note would show your contempt for his behaviour. Anybody who knows their WW1 history will immediately get the message. If he truly respected you he would have had a face-to-face conversation on the issue. However hard it is just keep telling yourself that this is how he might have let you down if you'd got married. "Found wanting" is how you must try to label him in your mind and try to move on. Remind yourself daily that you deserve somebody better.

geri1965_2

Many moons ago now I was in a relationship which was very volatile. The person concerned was quite screwed up in a lot of ways, which I realised, but I was young and naive and thought that love would help him.

After some time he said to me that he needed some space and time to think about what he wanted, and I was devastated. However, a very wise woman (my mum!) told me to use this space to step back and think about what I wanted as well. So I did, and I realised that actually the relationship wasn't what I wanted - I didn't want drama and being treated badly, I wanted unconditional love and respect.

So when he came back after his 'space' and said he was prepared to carry on, I said actually no, I had been thinking as well and it wasn't what I wanted any more.

Use this time wisely OP.

Brighton_belle

Primrose wrote: »

i'm not necessarily suggesting that you do it, but for people like this who don't have the guts to end things openly and honourably and cowardly hide behind ambiguous texts , a single white feather mailed without a note would show your contempt for his behaviour.

Ooh, no, this sounds a horrible horrible idea. Quite apart from it being open to all sorts of different interpretations so not effectively communicating what you want it to, it's very passive aggressive. Far better to clearly say, I've been thinking about it and I'm ending it, I deserve better than this.
I also wouldn't want to be associated in any way with the vile practise of 100 years ago.

Pollycat

Primrose wrote: »

i'm not necessarily suggesting that you do it, but for people like this who don't have the guts to end things openly and honourably and cowardly hide behind ambiguous texts , a single white feather mailed without a note would show your contempt for his behaviour.

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Ooh, no, this sounds a horrible horrible idea. Quite apart from it being open to all sorts of different interpretations so not effectively communicating what you want it to, it's very passive aggressive. Far better to clearly say, I've been thinking about it and I'm ending it, I deserve better than this.

I wholeheartedly agree with Brighton belle, both about the white feather suggestion (Don't even contemplate it!) and about you proactively ending the relationship now rather than hanging on for either a text that never comes or a 'Dear vodkachick68' text.

Wise words from Geri1965 below:

geri1965 wrote: »

Many moons ago now I was in a relationship which was very volatile. The person concerned was quite screwed up in a lot of ways, which I realised, but I was young and naive and thought that love would help him.

After some time he said to me that he needed some space and time to think about what he wanted, and I was devastated. However, a very wise woman (my mum!) told me to use this space to step back and think about what I wanted as well. So I did, and I realised that actually the relationship wasn't what I wanted - I didn't want drama and being treated badly, I wanted unconditional love and respect.

So when he came back after his 'space' and said he was prepared to carry on, I said actually no, I had been thinking as well and it wasn't what I wanted any more.

Use this time wisely OP.

Reminds me very much of the Beautiful South song:

I need a little time
To think it over
I need a little space
Just on my own
I need a little time
To find my freedom
I need a little

Funny how quick the milk turns sour
Isn't it, isn't it
Your face has been looking like that for hours
Hasn't it, hasn't it
Promises, promises turn to dust
Wedding bells just turn to rust
Trust into mistrust

I need a little room
To find myself
I need a little space
To work it out
I need a little room
All alone
I need a little

You need a little room for your big head
Don't you, don't you
You need a little space for a thousand beds
Won't you, won't you
Lips that promise fear the worst
Tongue so sharp the bubble burst
Just into unjust

I've had a little time
To find the truth
Now I've had a little room
To check what's wrong
I've had a little time
And I still love you
I've had a little

You had a little time
And you had a little fun
Didn't you, didn't you
While you had yours
Do you think I had none
Do you, do you
The Freedom that you wanted bad
Is yours for good
I hope you're glad
Sad into unsad

I had a little time
To think it over
Had a little room
To work it out
I found a little courage
To call it off

I've had a little time
I've had a little time
I've had a little time
I've had a little time

Good luck for the future.

Toto

I agree with those who say you need to take the control back and end this yourself, send a very clear message saying you do not wish for him to contact you again.


I'd then really strongly suggest you get some counselling. You sound as if you need to spend a little time working on your self esteem as you go through this break up. This will set you in a good place to know what you feel is acceptable in any new relationship you have and to stop yourself from being controlled in the future.


I genuinely hope this passes quickly for you, break ups suck and don't seem to get any easier no matter how many times we go through it or how old we get.

CH27

That Beautiful South song sprang to my mind too.

OP take the power back into your own hands & end it yourself.

mandragora_2

vodkachick68 wrote: »

Hi all
I think it's now come to an end and I feel terrible.

He asked me not to ring or text him until he contacts me.

I believe this is his way of finishing the relationship without actually saying the words.

How do you get over splitting up with someone you still think the world of?

You are a wise woman, and in charge of your own destiny. Don't give all your power away, but get in touch with the powerful person you are in your own right. He can only take his own decisions - he can't make yours for you. So, given that the relationship feels finished to you, if you wish to, end the agony of the suspense for yourself now and contact him in order that you can do the decent thing and tell him that the relationship is indeed over.

He can mull and agonise as much as he wants - you will never change his behaviour and choices about how he's going to act. You can, however, decide what you want in your life, and what behaviours you are prepared to put up with, and which ones you won't.

I had someone messing me about a while back and it was only when I realised that I was being kept dangling on a string (and I think it was related to power/control in the relationship) while he 'decided' that I remembered that I can make decisions too. In my case it was a 'I'm not prepared to put up with this situation any longer. Sort it or we separate'. He was astonished enough to yelp 'Is that supposed to be an ultimatum?' to which my reply was 'I think it must be. You can carry on doing what you've been doing if you want, but you just won't have me in your life if it carries on. It stops or we split. And I mean it stops now. No more prevaricating and no more 'I need time' crap. That choice is yours'. And I meant it, too. It was a real surprise to him because the unacceptable behavoiur, and the excuses for it, had just crept up over a long period. He needed the jolt to realise that I meant every word.

I don't think that your situation is exactly the same as mine, but I think the central point is identical. You have the power to make choices and decisions. Don't give it away.

All the best, and thinking of you.

purpleshoes_2

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Ooh, no, this sounds a horrible horrible idea. Quite apart from it being open to all sorts of different interpretations so not effectively communicating what you want it to, it's very passive aggressive. Far better to clearly say, I've been thinking about it and I'm ending it, I deserve better than this.
I also wouldn't want to be associated in any way with the vile practise of 100 years ago.

It also smacks of unhinged stalker. Not in a million years.

marisco_2

Primrose wrote: »

i'm not necessarily suggesting that you do it, but for people like this who don't have the guts to end things openly and honourably and cowardly hide behind ambiguous texts , a single white feather mailed without a note would show your contempt for his behaviour.

All that would achieve is to let someone know how much they once meant, and that the person who sent it is now bitter its ended and are hurting. Not a classy move. At times like this a dignified silence and moving on sends a more powerful message than having the last word.