advice please

mishmash

Hi
This really struck a chord with me. When we split up (many moons ago now) my ex would not give me his new address with his new partner (the reason for our split up, was his affair with her).

The kids were only little, it drove me insane not knowing where they were. He like you, was happy to have non staying contact and be a Mc Donalds Dad, it's far easier to balme the ex for being unreasonable than it is to fight to be a proper Dad.

While he has not really changed much (like you, he did not tell the kids about the pregnancy of their siblings) he also only had them to the church bit of his wedding (for the photo's) they were sent home without the sit down meal. The kids are teenagers now and they ask questions, why did Dad not have us stay over, why did he not go to court, why did he not fight to be our Dad.

I suppose the true answer is he did not want to, as I said it seems easier for men like him (and you) to walk away, blame the ex and not really pay too much attention to the childs needs.

Why have you not faught for staying contact with your son, why do you not feel having your son as an integral part of your new life is worth fighting for?

Did he not even come to your wedding (even if it is just for the photo's) does your new wife not want a part of you to be a part of your life together? and why oh why would you not allow him to share the joy of having a sibling.

You say his mind would have been poisened, well if you had played a significant role in his life, where he felt valued by you and secure in your relationship this would not happen.

If you really want what is best for your son, be his Dad. Fight to see him, and have him stay. Give her your address if nothing else it will show her you have nothing to hide and that you will do all you can to have the best relationship you can with your son.

If I can give any advice at all, it would be to think very carefully about the decisions you make now and whose needs they meet. Time passes quickly and soon enough you will have a big strapping lad asking some uncomfortable questions.

My lads football team just won the leauge, I offered to call his Dad to invite him to the celebration. His response was that he did not want him
there, he said "he's not been there before Mum, and I don't want him here now". I did not feel happy at this, I felt really sad that my little ( big strapping) boy does not have a Dad who was there for him. It's not about money but it's about commitment.

Either commit properly to your child or accept that you don't want to.

Sorry if I am harsh but I hope you don't ever, not get invited to share in your sons success. Parenting is hard regardless of wether you have care or not.

Mish

Gingernutmeg

When my parents divorced (very messily) there would have been absolutely no way that my mum would have let me go on an access visit without knowing my fathers address. If he had refused to do that, then there would have been no visit as that would have made my mum very suspicious. We obviously don't know the background to your divorce but there's probably a lot of pain and suspicion on both sides but as an adult with a child to think of, you really need to be doing as much as you can to ensure that the child suffers as little as possible. Your stalling about giving her your address is probably making your ex very suspicious and worried about your motives.

At the end of the day it's your child who is being punished here, and that's not fair. Whatever the degree of animosity between you and your ex, you really have to put that aside if you don't want your child to suffer any more. Tell your ex your address - IF she should do anything untoward then you can get the police involved.

I don't mean to be rude here (I honestly don't, but it's hard to get the right expression on the net lol) but if your ex really did want to do you or your new wife some harm, she could find your address out quite easily without asking you. The fact that she hasn't does seem to suggest that there isn't something sinister about her wanting to know ...

Savvy_Sue

She's told you what her solicitor says: what does yours say?

mae

Just another quick point, although I can completely understand it must be lovely to have a new wife and baby and a new life especially as it seems your ex was the cause of your split and this is a part of your past I am sure you would like to forget and if you give her your new address you will be creating 'hassle' into your life.
But the upshot of you not getting the 'hassle' is your son getting the 'hassle' instead because despite how you put it 'right' in your mind that he is ok and this is between you and your ex believe me your son has or will have the 'hassle' of this and will remember it and carry it with him possibly.
So I am just saying maybe its worth a thought of taking some of his burden and accepting some of the 'hassle' as after all you are his father and surely want to protect him at whatever cost to yourself.
As I said before I do wish you luck I'm just wondering if you can look at it from a different angle.

If you do this for your son I also wonder if your mum could do some thing for her son (you) and try and bury the bitterness so that her son and grandson can try and move on. It will probably take all her might to swallow what your ex has put you through as us mums are very very protective but also most of us would do anything to make our children happy and I hope she could do that for you and your son to help ease relations.

tiamai_d

nichere wrote: »

the nature of the access as set out in the court is that i should have my son at weekends and on holidays already but i didnt pursue this when we got divorced as he was still only a baby and needed to be with his mum and not with me when he was a baby

so, you did not see him when he was a baby? Babies need their father too.

You have to try and understand that it appears that you have been making a lot of mistakes too.

If my ex had left me and not bothered to see his son because he was a baby, then I doubt I would be co-operative when he finally decided his son was old enough for him. I would be even angrier if he then with held his address from us, and the fact that his son now had a step sister.

You have been picking and choosing what to share with your son, I would suggest you stop this before it goes further for the sake of your son. He needs to know that he is a part of your whole life, not just a carefully distanced component.

Stop blaming your ex for everything, and try being wholly honest with her and your son and proving that you are worthy of being his Father. What does your new wife think of this situation? It can't be any good for her either, or like you, does she choose to ignore that he exists on weekdays?

nichere

havent asked a soliciter yet as i have tried to deal with this without the need for one?
no luck am going to try and see one tommorow.
right then this is what happened.
how would you feel if someone who you adored and want in your life and was a part of your life no questions asked could have this person go with you anywhere no problems was suddenly taken away from you and the only way all of a sudden because an ex decides that you can see your son is in her house because she thinks that you are going to kidnap,runaway with, leave the country with him and make you feel as though there is some sort of court order on you as though you suddenly need someone there with your son when you visit in case you do something and you can not even take him o the shop because an ex thinks your going to kidnap my son as well dont forget!!!
of course i want him in my life i adore my son its my ex wife who dos not want him to be a part of my life.
as for dont ask questions on here if all you want is ah what a shame etc this does not bother me however what bothers me is people saying grow up dont you want your son to be a part of your life etc etc.
my crime for this punishment is this.
as a father who can make desitions for his soon without putting him in danger was letting my son meet my now wife on his 4th bday at his nan and granddads house

nichere

although my wife left me i still seen my son every saturday when he was a baby the only reason it was a sat was i worked out of town alot

nichere

also i text my ex wife nearlly everyday most times without reply to see how my son is and phone him nearlly everyday to try and talk to him

mishmash

Get legal advice, go to court, get staying contact. Say every other weekend. Half of all the school holidays. Have him one night a week for tea. Telephone him twice a week. Give his mother your address.

See his mother as that your son's mother. She gave him life and you should always respect her for that (if nothing else).

Let your son know, how important he is to his Daddy, Stepmum and sibling.

He may not ever thank you for this, but really it is your job, your his Dad and that is what he needs.

Good luck with the solicitor tomorow, please do come back on here if you need any further help. We have been a little harsh with this one, but I do think the situation requires it.

Good luck

Mish x

nichere

i give his mother lots of praise on what a great job she has done with our son and how proud i am of him etc etc i even congratulated and said good for her when she went back to school unfortunatly thats a one way thing.