advice please

nichere

hi george (hope you dont mind not putting curious? would have been quicker by now)
in reply to how i have reacted (will leave the rest to kenshaz if he wants to reply) i have only reacted like i have when people on here have said certain things about me, yes i agree that they can say what they want but on the other hand surely i can react and say something back to them if that makes me arrogant and rude then so are they????
also i think you may have mis interprited what i said about the distance it is a 4 hour round trip roughly depending on traffic.
ps congrats on the no smoking meant to say this earlier

kenshaz

Curious_George wrote: »

with respect, most of the replys on here have tried to give constructive advice, but if your asking for our help and/or opinions then we should be allowed to question simple things like why is witholding basic information from your sons mother such a big fat deal??
its not like he is handing over a full bank statement and sort code,
its an address! over 4 hours drive away (if i remember rightly) an address which the OP probably gives out to loads of nameless people every time he enters a competition, writes a letter or fills out a form,

there have been occasions on this thread where nichere has been overly defensive and that has caused him to come across as arrogant and rude, like it or not, people will react to that, and very rarely in a good way!

i doubt there is anyone here who doesnt sympathise with a man who cant get proper access to his children, but only being given one side of a story, we are only scraping the surface of whats really going on....
(plus, this is the internet... any old crank can say what ever they like regardless of how much it hurts or offends anyone... you cant take it personally! if you are likely to get stroppy about people prying into your most personal affairs, then maybe they shouldnt be posted on an open forum )

Yes they can say what they like,but expect to be challenged.This guy is seeking help and wants support ,he must be OK or he would not be asking the question,he would not care enough to post ,but he does,and that is evident .
Why do some need to be so abrasive and cruel,sitting in their perfect worlds ,making judgments.
IGeorge I have read some of your posts on other threads you are an intelligent and perceptive person and you know the score.
Arrogant and rude never,reacting to others,yes why not.

nichere

cheers george
i know people say what ever they want and most of the time go out of there way to get a reaction normally i would not react but this has been about my feelings towards my son and as we both know face to face4 most of them would not say anythink.
and im sure that it does seem like 9 mins wish i could give up!!
ahh what have i said now no i do not smoke near my son or my daughter or anywhere near either of them and yes i know all about what it does etc etc just have not got the will power at the moment but am cutting down drasticly and getting there very slowly so keep going george.

dinners served

Simba_25

I've not read the whole thread cause to be honest...i couldn't be bothered lol but...

I kinow with my ex at the moment, he is wanted to take our kids (almost 5 and 7months) out for the day...stay over the night etc etc but i have told him there is no way i would let him without meeting his new partner first. He may think she is ok but i want that peace of mind before i leave my kids with her.

Has your ex met your new partner?? Can you not get together (without your son been there) so your ex and your new wife can talk and get to know each other. I know there is a lot of history but, as adults, you all need to put that behind you for the sake of your son. So you can start including him fully in your new life again. The only person that is missing out at the moment is your son. He will pick up on all of the tension and understand a lot more then you think.

I just think you need to all sit down together and talk it through.

As for taking him to see his grandparents, could you not arrange for you, your parents your ex and your son to all meet somewhere like the park. That way your ex is there and you can show her all you want is your son to get to know his grandparents. You will also need to make sure they can put the past behind them and be nice to your ex.... as hard as it may seam.

Believe me in the long run, in order to have the best possible relationship with your son....you and your family need to be on speaking terms with your ex.

Good luck with it all!

System

I think you seem to be worried about the 'control' your ex is having on your life but i want to share something with you.

Many years ago when my child was seriously ill. We spent day and night at the hospital only coming home when we had to, mainly because we needed a bath! Anyway, my child had just had surgery and the strain was telling on us and persuaded by the hospital staff we were urged to go home for a couple of hours to recharge our batteries. Our daughter was stable and we were told we would be contacted immediately if there was any change in her condition. We were back all of an hour when there was an urgent knock on our door. Two policemen were at our door asking us if we were the parents of our child. The hospital hadnt been able to get through on our home phone line because there was a fault on the line. My god i nearly died. Unfortunately our daughter had taken a turn for the worse and the hospital needed consent for more surgery.

What i am saying is, technology is very often unreliable. How would you feel if something had happened to your son and the reception on your phone was poor or your line had gone dead? How would you feel when your ex or the hospital couldnt contact you?

I am sorry, if i split up with my husband of 23 years, and he wanted to take my 11 year old for the weekend, i would insist that i knew his address, phone number and where he was taking him. Its not about 'control' but about being a Mum. You dont switch off from Mum mode when your kids are not with you.

Apart from that, all schools these days ask for contact addresses of both parents. Your lucky your ex hasnt asked for it sooner.

nichere

hi judi
this was a longer reply but having tried 3 times already to try and answer your reply my comp has crashed.
briefly it was this:
i hope your daughter is fine know?
i text my ex nearly everyday to see how my son is and spoke to him today as i do most days on a regular basis.
i understand what you are saying about emergancies etc.
fortunatly a lot of you on here are not in the situation i am in so it is easy to say how your partners and yourselves would react.

Loretta

I think that you are making this situation too complicated and letting other people, your ex and current wife, tell you what to do.

You want to not only see your son but you want to be involved in his life and you have already got a court order to say that this is all agreed. If your ex does not agree with the order that the court has made it is up to her to go back to court and ask for it to be changed, I doubt if she would do that and if she did I think it would be most unlikely that the court would agree with her, although they may add on the condition that you must give your address. Why did either of you bother to have a court arrange all this when neither of you have paid any attention to the court order. Why are you considering going back to court? you have a court order already and if you are not taking any notice of the last order the court made why would either of you take notice of a new order?

You seem to be over involved with your ex wife, she is your ex for a reason! she is your EX wife you do not need to have a relationship with her other than as joint parents. You have left it late to start trying to organise this but you now need to get on with it, your son is 5.

I think if you can't face your ex write her a note saying from this weekend you will take him out for a couple of hours and in, say a couple of weeks time, you will have your son overnight staying at your parents house close by, your son can phone his Mum at bed time and say goodnight and build up from there. In a while perhaps your wife and baby daughter could also come and stay with your parents overnight and he could gradually meet them there. You have not mentioned you wife and daughter visiting your parents don't they see their new grand daughter?


A 5 year old would, I am sure, in a short time naturally start asking to visit your home and this would be the next step. You must of course give your ex your address, his school should have it too.

It sounds as if your new home is very nice so you have somewhere to take him which is more than suitable. It is some distance away so he will eventually stay for the weekend etc.

This has all got over compicated about things that are nothing to do with the situation. You and your son are entitled to have a relationship. If you, your ex, your wife and your parents want to continue arguing about something keep that as a seperate issue.

If there is a reason why you are worried about giving your ex your address and it is your address too, you haven't really given a reason on here, decide what you are worried about and get some advice about it, you my be worrying unnecessarily and may be easily sorted out.

I hope that you are not heading for trouble with your new wife, she may have bought her house before you were married but it is now your family home, for you and her and your new baby daughter and your son when he visits. Your wife probably hears far too much about your ex and is probably sick of it all, your ex is in the past, move on - life is too short for all this

Incidently if you do have to go to court about this why would your son know anything about it, he would be at school during the day, this is for the adults to sort out. It would involve letters from solicitors backwards and forwards costing loads of money because the adults cannot behave like adults and deal with it in an adult manner.

grastgirl

First of all I would like to reassure you that I have read every post so far, so as far as I know I have seen everything you have written.

As for taking him to see his grandparents, could you not arrange for you, your parents your ex and your son to all meet somewhere like the park. That way your ex is there and you can show her all you want is your son to get to know his grandparents. You will also need to make sure they can put the past behind them and be nice to your ex.... as hard as it may seam.

This seems like a very sensible idea as a first move, perhaps some bridges could be built between your ex and your parents, so taking your son back to theirs after a few visits can resume, allowing you to introduce your new wife and his step sister gradually. I really don't think your ex should be able to control whether or not your son knows about his newly extended family. Perhaps a letter outlining your intentions with regards to access for the foreseeable future, outlining when and where each visit will take place so she is fully informed would help her feel more secure in your actions. A letter addressed to her solicitor, stating your address and allowing it to be disclosed to her once visits to your home start could be a nice gesture to try to break the current stalemate.

I know you believe the address thing is just another thing in a long line of obstacles she has put in front of you, as she plays games with you and your son, but surely getting over the obstacle as quickly as possible should be the aim, because hopefully she will run out of ideas eventually, and the quicker she does the better.

It is obvious that you love your son, but the detailed information has come out in multiple posts of yours (that have not been the clearest to read at speed if I'm honest), perhaps you would get more balanced replies if you went back to your original post and edited it to include as much of the relevant information as possible, so people understand your position better.

benbenandme

As someone who has been through something similar I can sympathise with both of you, but mainly with your son. I think you are both playing games, perhap not intentionally, I think you both want some control and power and are frightened of something the other may do. My ex and I have been like this too but recently we have both made more effort to be civil and reasonable, and ultimately to communicate more, to explain why we say/do things so we can minimise the chances of hurting each other and things being read wrongly.
I'm not claiming to be any better at this than any of you, but please, look at it from your sons point of view, you are the two most important people in his world and you are hurting him.
Surely if your ex was to do something daft once she has you new address she would be jeopardising her position of sole carer?? As a mother I would never do anything that may give my ex any reason to challenge my role as a mother in court. Also, even i she did, surely the hassle this may cause you is still miniscule in comparison with the risk of not having your son to visit at your home??
Goood luck to all of you, I truly hope in time things become easier, but please bear in mind that if nothing changes, one day your son may ask you why protecting an address was a bigger priority to you than letting him visit ...

Scarlett1

kenshaz wrote: »

I feel that your response is harsh and insensitive,with the use of course language,I would rethink it and tone it down with more empathy and understanding.

no dont think so mate