my husband doesnt find me attractive

DUTR

Solsol wrote: »

Except in my situation my weight gain was nothing to do with why we split up but my confidence was in tatters by the end of the relationship and that's why I decided to lose weight it certainly wasn't an issue that was raised by my ex at all

I wasn't pointing at that was the cause of the break up, I had popped out for a meal with my GF this evening, whilst I sat there I noticed she had put a but of a love handle on, I never said anything (of course) later in the evening, she commented herself that she had put on 5lbs (I didn't agree or disagree, not that there would have been any wrath to face) .

HPoirot

I hope the OP sorts things out. If her OH has feelings for her then the physical side of things can be worked on. I believe that things like this need to be said and worked on before they fester and kill the marriage.

System

I don't find it sad at all. Judi is clearly secure and relax in her relationship. It's all about the context and you can't judge how happy a relationship on the basis of whether YOU would be happy in that relationship.......

How judgemental and sad to conclude that Judi and her husband don't love each other.

Thank you. Seems like others seem more qualified to tell me what to do with my life than I am.

We have been married almost 30 years and in those 30 years we have probably been through more downs and ups than the majority of people but we are still together working through our issues.

He is my rock. I look after him. Emotionally we are perfectly in tune with each other. I'm not saying no one else could fill those roles in each other and make up the shortfall but that's not going to happen anytime soon.

Judi's post really made me laugh and I assumed it was said very tongue in cheek with a huge chunk of realism which comes of being together for a very long time.

You cant beat a bit of realism. When lust flies out of the window, a deep and meaningful friendship is what your left with. All I can say is if lust is the only thing keeping your relationship together... I just hope it stays that way.

JennyRowling

All those replies about working on herself are really making me mad. The ones saying "leave him" aren't any better either.

Here's what I think - men are stupid and don't know what they say might hurt others. They really don't. know. This doesn't make them horrible people though. who knows, maybe the words "I love you, but find you unattractive" really meant "my love for you doesn't care about how you look". The wife knows her husband, so she knows best what exactly he meant.

Still, the reason such a statement came to existence is time - people simply get too much of the other after some time together. The reason is simply because both partners don't see anything new in one another and seriously they get bored. So, my opinion - introduce something new. It doesn't have to be a change in your appearance. Maybe, a new interest, something you can do together, be it in the bedroom, or a vacation to a new place. Or, if you want, change something in your appearance, just don't do something you wouldn't like. And, despite what you decide to do - do it only if your husband is worth the trouble

BucksLady

JennyRowling wrote: »

Here's what I think - men are stupid and don't know what they say might hurt others. They really don't. know.

My OH certainly isn't stupid, and he's quite able to work out what would or would not upset other people. To say that 'men are stupid and don't know what they say might hurt others', is in my opinion, a crazy generalization.

Georgiegirl256

JennyRowling wrote: »

Here's what I think - men are stupid and don't know what they say might hurt others.

Is it just men you think are stupid? Talk about generalizing!

My husband certainly isn't stupid....annoying sometimes yes but not stupid!

FBaby

And looking at it this way you could say that it is women who are stupid fire being too sensitive and not value honesty from their partner.

HPoirot

JennyRowling wrote: »

All those replies about working on herself are really making me mad. The ones saying "leave him" aren't any better either.

Here's what I think - men are stupid and don't know what they say might hurt others. They really don't. know. This doesn't make them horrible people though. who knows, maybe the words "I love you, but find you unattractive" really meant "my love for you doesn't care about how you look". The wife knows her husband, so she knows best what exactly he meant.

If you had given a little thought to your supposition, you would have found she would not have spent 3 days crying over what he said if all he said was "my love for you doesn't care about how you look".

JennyRowling wrote: »

Still, the reason such a statement came to existence is time - people simply get too much of the other after some time together. The reason is simply because both partners don't see anything new in one another and seriously they get bored. So, my opinion - introduce something new. It doesn't have to be a change in your appearance. Maybe, a new interest, something you can do together, be it in the bedroom, or a vacation to a new place. Or, if you want, change something in your appearance, just don't do something you wouldn't like. And, despite what you decide to do - do it only if your husband is worth the trouble

Not sure how this is meant to help the OP - are you saying that she should just brush aside her husband's words and say "oh that's because you're bored dear, let's find something else to do so you don't think about my body too much"?? How is that going to make him feel attracted to her again, and more importantly, how is that going to address a serious problem in a marriage?

stir_crazy

JennyRowling wrote: »

All those replies about working on herself are really making me mad. The ones saying "leave him" aren't any better either.

Here's what I think - men are stupid and don't know what they say might hurt others. They really don't. know. This doesn't make them horrible people though. who knows, maybe the words "I love you, but find you unattractive" really meant "my love for you doesn't care about how you look". The wife knows her husband, so she knows best what exactly he meant.

Still, the reason such a statement came to existence is time - people simply get too much of the other after some time together. The reason is simply because both partners don't see anything new in one another and seriously they get bored. So, my opinion - introduce something new. It doesn't have to be a change in your appearance. Maybe, a new interest, something you can do together, be it in the bedroom, or a vacation to a new place. Or, if you want, change something in your appearance, just don't do something you wouldn't like. And, despite what you decide to do - do it only if your husband is worth the trouble

This whole post is a crock of !!!!.

Clearly the OP's partner has been tactless in the extreme, but not stupid. You talk about people as if they are puppies, easily distracted from the main issue!

In most relationships, love is unconditional, but lust isn't, by a long way.The OP's partner has caused the a lot of hurt, but as least he has been honest - he loves her but no longer finds her attractive. She admits that she has put on weight, and has lost her confidence. If she wants her partner to find her attractive again, she needs to build up her confidence, whether that is by losing weight or by another means.

Pollycat

stir_crazy wrote: »

This whole post is a crock of !!!!.

I agree.
Generalisation gone crazy!

stir_crazy wrote: »

Clearly the OP's partner has been tactless in the extreme, but not stupid. You talk about people as if they are puppies, easily distracted from the main issue!

It's not clear to me that the OP's OH has been tactless at all, let alone 'in the extreme'.
We don't know what was specifically said, how it was said or the circumstances that led to whatever being said.

Personally, I suspect the OP has actually had a rethink - maybe after a chat with her OH - about this incident and that's why she's not been back on MSE.

I do hope that is the case.