my husband doesnt find me attractive

System

I'm of the opinion its not what you say, its how you say it and why.

skintchick

Judi wrote: »

My husband doesn't find me attractive in the same way as he did when we married in our 20s. We are both in our 50s now.

According to him I ought to be blonde (I was dark but now mainly grey). I'm too fat (yes he's right). I'm not clever. However, he does say ive got some redeeming features, he loves my face, he loves my boobs. He puts up with the rest.

In return I don't really find him attractive. He ought to be dark haired (but he's fair and grey). He's like a stick with a huge belly. He cant be arsed to shave very often. His mouth is like a cesspit the amount of swear words he churns out. However, he does have some redeeming features. I'm still fathoming out what they are but they are there.

Obviously for us, the things we don't like in each other aren't enough to split us up.

On a positive note, we do make an effort for each other occasionally. :rotfl:

Ive often said 'if you find someone you would rather be with other than me then I wont stand in your way'.

That is the saddest description of a relationship that I've read in a very long time. How depressing. Why on earth don;t you just split up? You obviously don;t love each other - the contempt you hold for each other is dripping from your words. So sad.

Martin46

Why don't you post a pic and we can let you know how wrong he is?

Pollycat

skintchick wrote: »

That is the saddest description of a relationship that I've read in a very long time. How depressing. Why on earth don;t you just split up? You obviously don;t love each other - the contempt you hold for each other is dripping from your words. So sad.

I'd not noticed that post but I agree with you - unless it was made tongue-in-cheek.

Even after 30 years with someone if I felt this way:

Judi wrote: »

Ive often said 'if you find someone you would rather be with other than me then I wont stand in your way'.

I'd be moving on and trying to find someone who did find me attractive and who I found attractive to spend the remainder of my life with.

houseimprover

BrassicWoman wrote: »

You seem to have a problem with me simply believing what I do.

Please stop it. It's not a shallow or new position for me.

Of course it's shallow to leave someone because they've told you something that you don't like.

It's very shallow. More shallow than a puddle on a road!

DUTR

Judi wrote: »

I'm of the opinion its not what you say, its how you say it and why.

Perhaps she had asked him!
"Honey do you think I've gained weight?" Yes
" Honey I know I have put on some lbs since we met, do you find me as attractive as when we met?" Well now that you ask....

Or in a case like mine, "Honey Iv'e put weight on, hair is thinning, everything is going south, tell me something to cheer me up" Well your eyesight is still good :eek:

FBaby

skintchick wrote: »

That is the saddest description of a relationship that I've read in a very long time. How depressing. Why on earth don;t you just split up? You obviously don;t love each other - the contempt you hold for each other is dripping from your words. So sad.

I don't find it sad at all. Judi is clearly secure and relax in her relationship. It's all about the context and you can't judge how happy a relationship on the basis of whether YOU would be happy in that relationship.

I have no doubt that there are things about my marriage that if I shared it here, only describing as it is, people would think that my marriage is veru unhappy, but it couldn't be further than the truth. It works for us, and the fact that it might not be traditional, even highly unusual doesn't mean that our marriage is more unstable, rather than other way around, we made it work for us despite what others might think (not those close to us, they know how great our marriage is).

How judgemental and sad to conclude that Judi and her husband don't love each other.

DUTR

Martin46 wrote: »

Why don't you post a pic and we can let you know how wrong he is?

I may have missed the post, how did the topic come about? That makes a big difference to the debate, a picture won't help as the couple are seeing with their own eyes.
Tell someone with an eating disorder that they look fine, they don't see it that way.

Pollycat

DUTR wrote: »

I may have missed the post, how did the topic come about? That makes a big difference to the debate, a picture won't help as the couple are seeing with their own eyes.
Tell someone with an eating disorder that they look fine, they don't see it that way.

You haven't missed the post, the OP didn't say how the topic came about.

I think that is a key question.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

The gentlest, but most sad thing I was told by a guy was how his relationship fell apart. He didnt care that she'd put on lots of weight, he cared that she covered herself up in pyjamas, dressing gowns, socks, wouldnt allow him to see her getting up or getting dressed (when she didnt just stay in pyjamas all day), that she showered less as it involved taking off her clothes, never made the slightest effort with her appearance, even on special occasions, would recoil if he put his hand on her hip if he turned over in bed and just completely took away any feeling of warmth or acceptance in his life. He thought that she must be unhappy, depressed, that he'd done something to make her feel bad or reinforce negative body image stuff.

Yes, he missed the sex, but he missed the physical closeness far, far more. And over time, he stopped feeling attracted to her, because he felt like he must be repellent to her/associated being near her as being rejected. So it destroyed his self esteem as well.


For some people, putting on large amounts of weight has been argued as a defensive mechanism or a 'choice' to not be as conventionally attractive or vulnerable. I can see how a person could feel that somebody making no effort or actively overeating was making some sort of choice to reject them, as, for some people, it is an element of what they are doing.


Could the OP's husband be feeling rejected, rather than just interested in her appearance?