Advice please - relationship & friends.

dktreesea

victory wrote: »

You do count, he does care, he loves you, he tells you and shows you all the time just this time he seems to go against everything but what he is telling you and showing you in a funny ol' way is that he loves you today and will love you after the birthday party but then it could be argued well if you loved me you would not be going? If you cared for me you would put me first?

I get it I really do what would have killed it for me is the missing the last train home....

"if you loved me you would not be going? If you cared for me you would put me first?"

People, just in my experience, don't put their other half first all of the time. It just doesn't happen.


In anyone's relationship, there are probably going to be a fair few moments/outings/get togethers when your partner puts other people's wishes and desires ahead of your own. Is that such a bad thing? It stops people being selfish, wanting to take over their partner's life, wanting to dictate how he or she lives it, especially with thier personal friends.

Izadora

dktreesea wrote: »

In anyone's relationship, there are probably going to be a fair few moments/outings/get togethers when your partner puts other people's wishes and desires ahead of your own. Is that such a bad thing?

That isn't a bad thing by itself, coupled with someone setting out to cause awkward situations it becomes a problem...

Anyway, good luck tonight DJS and let us know how it goes.

Kastanie

ska_lover wrote: »

Be direct and ask her outright what her problem is, but in a non confrontational way - maybe something like ''Have I done something to upset you?''

Yes, I would do this. I was also struck by the bit in your first post that said:
"Initially, the four of us got on well, we’d go to theirs for films and take-aways, the normal stuff."

You could take the approach that you want to pin down exactly why circumstances have gone from being friendly to hostile. Chances are she won't have a rational answer.

dktreesea

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

No they wont crumble, they will either say that they dont know what you are on about, refuse to engage with you, or not be available. I bet they wont engage with you properly at all.
They dont have to do anything and my guess is they will either do the above and or manipulate it back to being you.

I dont know how after all this you think your going to all rub along together because you are not. How can you really?

Its highly unlikley your boyfriend will fall out with them as he has shown that they come way before you. I think you are selling yourself way short with this fella, your not his number 1.

I'm inclined to agree with you. I would be surprised if the bf's circle of friends allowed themselves to be "put on the spot" by the latest girlfriend, one in a string of short lived relationships, from what I can see.

ska_lover

DJS1988 wrote: »

Thanks for your input but your two posts are not relevant to the situation as it stands now and I don't want to derail or get drawn into more conversations about the ins and outs right now.

See, you already know how to 'rise above it'. Very well handled there

DJS1988

Hi all,
Just wanted to let you all know I survived and it wasn't as horrific as I thought. No arguing and I feel a lot better and know my decision was the right thing to have done.
I will update properly but need to get to bed as I have a pretty crazy day at work ahead.
Thanks everyone x

meritaten

glad to hear that - cant wait for the update though!

DJS1988

Hi,
So I'm not sending this from a computer so I apologise for any spacing / spelling issues in advance.

So, as I thought their issues were the argument - as they've never seen him like it before, which must mean of course I'm a horrible person (to which I asked them to actually ask what the row was about, I explained and they were quite po faced about it when they realised, actually it was their friend being a drunken idiot, and that they riled up the situation). They then tried to being up another "public row" we had had, which wasn't any such thing.

They also then bought up about not seeing him as much, which my OH set them straight on. They looked very shocked when I said we only see each other 1/2 week evenings, again, they wrongly assumed we were together every night.

I managed to balance out most of what they said with a reasonable response, and I said again (although I did at the time), that no, arguing in public whomever caused it is not right, but it happened, it won't again and I'm sorry if it effected what had been a good night. By the sounds of it they had approached my OH in a casual way to say...we aren't happy with this but I think he felt the way I did, we've apologised, move on as it doesn't actually involve you. He should perhaps have spoken to me about it rather than brush it off and the talking could've been done before it got to the stage it did.

I then had my chance to get everything I've said here off my chest. I did so, nicely and firmly. They didn't agree with everything I said about how they've made me feel, but I didn't expect they would. The guy went out of his way to say the bday thing was not a personal slight, that he just didn't think he needed to talk to me first - which I explained makes me still feel disrespected, and they would've done it if it were anyone else.

It was left in as normal a way as possible, and it was effectively "we'll see how we all go..". I feel a lot better and that we all handled things in an adult way. It's like a weights been lifted today. I of course, am still and will always be very wary, particularly of the girl. However, they know what I expect, and my boundaries. I know what they expect - no rowing when out together, which is a given anyways. My OH said I handled it better than he even thought I would - and I feel a lot better about he and I now as this was our only issue and I feel pretty safe in saying (hope this doesn't bite me on the bum) that going forward he will be much more supportive and handle things with a bit of a firmer hand IF there were to be anymore issues.

If anyone wants to ask anything please feel free but I would quite like this thread to be locked at some point soon (anyone know how to get this done), and I think it's negative to keep revisiting it & also it's quite apparent who I am to anyone that's close to it.

Thanks again everyone that's taken time to respond with advice here.

purpleshoes_2

Locking it wont remove it from public view, if you are concerned about people identifying you, you should ask for it to be deleted. Only administrators of the site can lock or remove a thread.

However, if it is locked it will soon fall onto the back pages as people cant bump it and other threads will take over it.

ska_lover

Glad things went well last night djs, and hopefully things will be much better moving forward now

all the best