Struggling with Family/Family Wedding/Life

Kastanie

Nicki wrote: »

If the bride is thinking about her photographs and the way she wants things to look on the day, perhaps she is getting herself agitated by the cousin who wants to wear a skin tight dress with her bust hanging out (which the bride thinks is a size too small) and flaunting a large visible tattoo, which she didn't have when she was asked to play that role?

Jeez! Could this be any more judgemental?? So offensive. The bridezilla knows what the OP looks like and how many tats she has, for heavens sake!!

OP, I just wanted to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!I hope you have a lovely day and are able to get out and about, to try and put this whole thing to the back of your mind if possible - difficult, I know, but how about trying to make just this one day about YOU rather than your cousin?

ava_adore

Kastanie wrote: »

Jeez! Could this be any more judgemental?? So offensive. The bridezilla knows what the OP looks like and how many tats she has, for heavens sake!!

OP, I just wanted to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!I hope you have a lovely day and are able to get out and about, to try and put this whole thing to the back of your mind if possible - difficult, I know, but how about trying to make just this one day about YOU rather than your cousin?

THANK YOU!

I had to delete two rants about what was posted, as I thought I was being oversensitive, but I'm glad someone else thought the posts were judgemental.

Given the type of wedding it is, I'm likely to be more conservative than most, therefore dress size and tattoos have nothing to do with the problem.

Thank you very much for the birthday wishes xxx

Sarah-Jean

Happy birthday hun. I'm sorry you're going through all this, weddings are so stressful for all. I know I'm incredibly stressed right now with my Mums wedding coming up (I'm a bridesmaid) and how much it's all costing (more for us as we're lending money to pay for it that we don't actually have any more)...

However, I've been reading your thread and I've got to say your family sounds just as abusive as your ex was. Bullying you, sniping about you behind your back, gossiping about you, giving you options and then getting catty because you don't take the option they want you to take, cancelling a birthday meal over something that really has nothing to do with some of those going (ie your parents)... It's all totally ridiculous and abusive from the sounds of it.

I really think you would benefit from counselling and some work on your self esteem. Then maybe one day you'll have the strength to stand up to these bullies.

In the meantime just try and ignore it. As others have said, enjoy your birthday with friends, be a quietly dignified bridesmaid on the day and then when it's all over with you can forget about the whole thing and leave them to get on with their petty, catty little lives. Hopefully they'll largely leave you alone when it's all over and done with.

(((((HUGS)))))

Kastanie

I read your rants before you deleted them and I thought you were totally right to make the points that you did. Although the post that you've now replaced them with pretty much sums it all up in a more collected manner

I was tempted to write a whole lot more about those nasty comments (Carol Vorderman????:eek:) but don't want to take the thread off course. I really hope you manage to have a good birthday and do something enjoyable for yourself today!

ava_adore

Sarah-Jean wrote: »

Happy birthday hun. I'm sorry you're going through all this, weddings are so stressful for all. I know I'm incredibly stressed right now with my Mums wedding coming up (I'm a bridesmaid) and how much it's all costing (more for us as we're lending money to pay for it that we don't actually have any more)...

However, I've been reading your thread and I've got to say your family sounds just as abusive as your ex was. Bullying you, sniping about you behind your back, gossiping about you, giving you options and then getting catty because you don't take the option they want you to take, cancelling a birthday meal over something that really has nothing to do with some of those going (ie your parents)... It's all totally ridiculous and abusive from the sounds of it.

I really think you would benefit from counselling and some work on your self esteem. Then maybe one day you'll have the strength to stand up to these bullies.

In the meantime just try and ignore it. As others have said, enjoy your birthday with friends, be a quietly dignified bridesmaid on the day and then when it's all over with you can forget about the whole thing and leave them to get on with their petty, catty little lives. Hopefully they'll largely leave you alone when it's all over and done with.

(((((HUGS)))))

Thanks Sarah-Jean. It's actually been really theraputic posting all of this, as people seem to have read between the lines, and see the same issues that I've seen but have previously swept aside.

I've actually made contact with a private counsellor, who is going to see me for a consultation when I've got the cash, and from there I'm going to see if I can get all of these thoughts and opinions un-muddled as I struggle to know my own mind when I have people constantly picking at everything. I wouldn't have made the step to approach a counsellor if I hadn't posted all of this/

I've had some texts from Mum today, and she's going to tackle my sister, and she's arranged to come over this evening with Dad and bring my nieces and nephew. In a strange twist of fate, my auntie (the mum of the Bride) texted last night, and she's offered to take me out for lunch with her mother in law, who shares my birthday. I know she doesn't know about the wedding drama, so it was a nice coincidence.

The idea now is to try and make the best of my day. The sun is shining, the cat's in a good mood, and I've had some nice birthday greetings from people on here, by text and on Facebook. I'm really touched that people have made the effort.

ava_adore

Kastanie wrote: »

I read your rants before you deleted them and I thought you were totally right to make the points that you did. Although the post that you've now replaced them with pretty much sums it all up in a more collected manner

I was tempted to write a whole lot more about those nasty comments (Carol Vorderman????:eek:) but don't want to take the thread off course. I really hope you manage to have a good birthday and do something enjoyable for yourself today!

I knew someone must have seen me spit the dummy :rotfl: better to keep it a bit more collected though. It's fine for people to have an opinion but that person was just being offensive.

I've had an offer of being treated to lunch today, and my parents are arranging to see me later with my nieces and nephew, so things are looking up a bit. I think when Mum calmed down and had a think about my side of things, she understood where I was coming from a bit better.

Just_Plain_Jane

Having read this thread I'm actually quite annoyed on OPs behalf.

Personally I would tell them all to eff off and find another bridesmaid, but then I'm not known for my tolerance.

If your cousin is so set on having all this expensive stuff then she should dig deep and pay for it. She can't seriously expect people to pay out of their own pockets then moan when they haven't got the funds to comply with her wishes.

Your sister sounds like she just enjoys stirring the $h!te. I always find people who are overly critical of the way others look to be very ugly-on-the-inside individuals.

How dare anyone trouble your mother with a single phone call while she is on holiday! Where is she, Balmoral?

Lastly OP, have a happy birthday.

FBaby

Although Nikki's post wasn't the most tactful, I think she has a point. I think it is quite common for bridesmaids (and family members) to forget that the day of the wedding is about the couple and no-one else and that if you agree to be party to it, you agree to the conditions and that especially in regards to outfits of choices.

Unless the bride is to post here to give her side, we will never know why she got so upset with OP, however, I would think her side of the story would most likely jutifies her reaction a bit more logically then when provided by the OP. Hence why when we upset someone we care for, it makes more sense to trying to see from the other's person perspective than our own.

Happy Brithday OP, hope you get to spend a good time with your mum and hope even more you can put your defensiveness in regards to your cousin aside so that you can talk to each other and move forward.

ava_adore

FBaby wrote: »

Although Nikki's post wasn't the most tactful, I think she has a point. I think it is quite common for bridesmaids (and family members) to forget that the day of the wedding is about the couple and no-one else and that if you agree to be party to it, you agree to the conditions and that especially in regards to outfits of choices.

Unless the bride is to post here to give her side, we will never know why she got so upset with OP, however, I would think her side of the story would most likely jutifies her reaction a bit more logically then when provided by the OP. Hence why when we upset someone we care for, it makes more sense to trying to see from the other's person perspective than our own.

Happy Brithday OP, hope you get to spend a good time with your mum and hope even more you can put your defensiveness in regards to your cousin aside so that you can talk to each other and move forward.

I give up. The long and short of it is my cousin gave me costings, said I could cancel the makeup trial, then made a big fuss about it when I did. It's nothing to do with the tattoo or the dress, it's purely the bloody trial. Why offer the chance to cancel if you don'tmean it?
And why is everyone now going on about dresses?? They are not part of the problem here! I suggest if you are just coming here to have a go at me then you may as well stop because you are bringing things into this which were not part of the issue.

FBaby

Fine then, if you've made up your mind that your cousin couldn't possibly be upset by what has been suggested and is only acting as she is because she enjoys upsetting you and is a drama queen, they either accept it and live with it, or remove her from your life. You started this thread by implying she was a nice person and you two were close, so it didn't point to her being the above.

I agree that there are ways to say things in a non offensive way, but it seems you are refusing to consider any justifiable potential reasons why your cousin could possible have felt upset about the situation. That's your decision and indeed, we are maybe barking up the wrong tree, but surely giving other perspectives as to explain a situation is actually something helpful to suggest?

In my world, if someone I care for is upset and is hinting that it was because of something I did, my first port of call is to consider how I might have done things differently so not to upset, rather than immediately assuming that I couldn't possibly have done anything wrong and their being upset can only be unjustifiable, but I guess not everyone reacts the same.