Struggling with Family/Family Wedding/Life

ava_adore

sulphate wrote: »

Hang on, your birthday celebrations were cancelled by your own MOTHER just because you cancelled a hair/make up trial and you bought your own dress?

Something doesn't add up here...

Mum and Dad are away on holiday, my sister called and told Mum her side of the story, Mum cancels my birthday meal because she doesn't want to sit at a meal while my sister and I "snipe" at each other. She also said the call ruined her day. I see her point but I don't see why I should miss out because my sister decided to interrupt her holiday.

FYI: I hadn't told Mum about the drama, and nor was I planning to.

FBaby

But she told me everything was fine then told a completely different story to my sister.

Ok, another avenue (I am just trying to give them the benefit of the doubt as to why they feel so strongly about it), maybe they feel hurt that you went on about your finance issues cancelling at the last minute rather than sooner, when you did manage to have enough money to pay for a tatoo (and maybe more things you haven't mentioned).

You have two choices, see yourself as the victim or trying to understand why they are upset. Saying all that, however upset they might be (or your cousin really), your mum shouldn't get involved and certainly shouldn't cancel birthday celebrations when you did nothing to her.

sedment

Why has your sister dragged your mum into it??? And to cancel your birthday? Aw chum, sending you a massive hug. Have had friends who have turned into absolute bridezillas as the day approached, even telling me what strapless bra to buy to wear under my bridesmaid dress, (not a primark one either)!
Maybe it is because it is nearer to the wedding date, but its not like you havent just not turned up, you have gave her notice.
Brides dont always realise just how much it can all add up, esp when you are paying for the bride as some expect to be paid for as its their wedding ! Maybe you could email or phone her and ask her to meet up, just the two of you and explain calmly that you will really struggle to pay for trials etc.

ava_adore

FBaby wrote: »

Ok, another avenue (I am just trying to give them the benefit of the doubt as to why they feel so strongly about it), maybe they feel hurt that you went on about your finance issues cancelling at the last minute rather than sooner, when you did manage to have enough money to pay for a tatoo (and maybe more things you haven't mentioned).

You have two choices, see yourself as the victim or trying to understand why they are upset. Saying all that, however upset they might be (or your cousin really), your mum shouldn't get involved and certainly shouldn't cancel birthday celebrations when you did nothing to her.

I don't think that £40.00 paid over four months for a tattoo should really be considered in this. I had been giving my friend (she's an apprentice) money here and there until I had enough for a couple of hours work. I used to self-harm, tattooing has stopped that, which my cousin is aware of. It's positive pain not negative pain, if you get my drift.

I haven't bought new clothes, shoes or anything other than essentials for a very long time, and when I do it's Asda clothes and shoes. I don't go out. I only smoke if I'm offered one.

While I probably come across as defensive, I really do see where you're coming from, but I just don't understand why she offered me the chance to cancel and said it wasn't a problem when it quite clearly was. I've never lied about my finances to her before, I don't see why I should now. It's not like I asked her to cancel it, I would have paid for it and went without, but as she gave me the chance I was honest and I took it.

One positive I will take from this is that in future I'll just be honest from the outset, not say "yes" to make people happy, and make sure that people actually mean what they're saying or if they're just being polite. I think I'm lacking that social filter as I just take people at face value.

Thank you for playing devil's advocate - I appreciate it - as it does make me think and I do understand better. Even if I'm a bit defensive about it.

ClareTeaches

Worry_Wart wrote: »

£170 for hair and make-up?! blimmin eck. What a waste of money. If it means that much to her why can't she pay? Stand your ground. It sounds like your older sister is a bully, and your cousin is so caught up in wedding world she can't see clearly.

This! Exactly what I was thinking.

Sounds like the only thing you've done 'wrong' here is to take your cousin at her word.

Stick to your guns: you're already paying a lot for this wedding by the sounds of it; your cousin is wrapped up in wedding land; your sister is believing what your cousin says and seems to like to gang up on you, anyway. If they really were that bothered, it sounds like either of them (or both together) could pay for your make-up/hair trial and the three of you could enjoy it as a nice treat, but instead your cousin is, it sounds like, using you as a scapegoat for her wedding stresses.

Keep your head up high, keep sorting yourself out and realise that this will pass. (Also, you wanted to experience the run up to a wedding ... Stress is a part of that, it sounds like! )

Most importantly, have a lovely birthday. X

ETA - Sorry, only just saw that your mum's cancelled your birthday meal! First, I hope your mum will see sense when she's back from holiday and stop being petty and unpleasant.

Second, your mum's cancelled your meal, NOT your birthday. Only YOU can do that. You know those few-but-great-friends you mentioned? This is when you call them up and organise something you want to do. Don't let other people ruin your birthday when they're utterly in the wrong.

Really, make your birthday great and I hope you have a lovely day.

ava_adore

sedment wrote: »

Why has your sister dragged your mum into it??? And to cancel your birthday? Aw chum, sending you a massive hug. Have had friends who have turned into absolute bridezillas as the day approached, even telling me what strapless bra to buy to wear under my bridesmaid dress, (not a primark one either)!
Maybe it is because it is nearer to the wedding date, but its not like you havent just not turned up, you have gave her notice.
Brides dont always realise just how much it can all add up, esp when you are paying for the bride as some expect to be paid for as its their wedding ! Maybe you could email or phone her and ask her to meet up, just the two of you and explain calmly that you will really struggle to pay for trials etc.

She always does this, most likely to get me into trouble, when really it's just stressing out my Mum who already has a heart condition and shouldn't really get stressed out. In a way I don't blame her for cancelling the meal as I'm sure two grown up daughters at war must be horribly disappointing for her.

I'm going to speak to my cousin when this has all calmed down a bit. I've made sure she knows I'm paying for everything else, and I've asked Mum to look after the money on pay day so that my cousin knows it's safe.

ava_adore

ClareTeaches wrote: »

This! Exactly what I was thinking.

Sounds like the only thing you've done 'wrong' here is to take your cousin at her word.

Stick to your guns: you're already paying a lot for this wedding by the sounds of it; your cousin is wrapped up in wedding land; your sister is believing what your cousin says and seems to like to gang up on you, anyway. If they really were that bothered, it sounds like either of them (or both together) could pay for your make-up/hair trial and the three of you could enjoy it as a nice treat, but instead your cousin is, it sounds like, using you as a scapegoat for her wedding stresses.

Keep your head up high, keep sorting yourself out and realise that this will pass. (Also, you wanted to experience the run up to a wedding ... Stress is a part of that, it sounds like! )

Most importantly, have a lovely birthday. X

Thank you. I think the idea is head down, make sure the money for everything else is safe, and do my duty on the big day and then let it go.

I might not be so fixated on this if I wasn't feeling so bad about everything else, but everything's just been so difficult lately that I had felt like the wedding stuff might be a happy distraction.

carefullycautious

There is a pattern here, which I am sure you are aware of. Your ex treated you badly and your family are doing the same.

You sound hyper sensitive to their behaviour to you which I would be too.

You really need to explore why this is happening and counselling would help you.

It takes a certain confidence to state the reasons why you are unable to spend money you don't have, which you did. It is not your problem to worry at the idiotic behaviours of someone who should know better. When you look at it you acted like an adult and you family have acted like spoiled children who have now thrown their dummies out of the pram by spoiling your birthday

Sometimes we just have to take a step back and actually look at the 'Games people play' (its a book title and you should read it)

Don't get caught up wasting your energy trying to second guess why they behave the way they do. Try to empower yourself to deal with it.

You have a home of your own with a small furry friend and should pat yourself on the back for getting out of an abusive relationship, being able to see what your family are doing, and conquering the evils of alcohol.

I'm sure Mr Right is waiting in the wings somewhere and will show himself when you are stronger.

ava_adore

carefullycautious wrote: »

There is a pattern here, which I am sure you are aware of. Your ex treated you badly and your family are doing the same.

You sound hyper sensitive to their behaviour to you which I would be too.

You really need to explore why this is happening and counselling would help you.

It takes a certain confidence to state the reasons why you are unable to spend money you don't have, which you did. It is not your problem to worry at the idiotic behaviours of someone who should know better. When you look at it you acted like an adult and you family have acted like spoiled children who have now thrown their dummies out of the pram by spoiling your birthday

Sometimes we just have to take a step back and actually look at the 'Games people play' (its a book title and you should read it)

Don't get caught up wasting your energy trying to second guess why they behave the way they do. Try to empower yourself to deal with it.

You have a home of your own with a small furry friend and should pat yourself on the back for getting out of an abusive relationship, being able to see what your family are doing, and conquering the evils of alcohol.

I'm sure Mr Right is waiting in the wings somewhere and will show himself when you are stronger.

Thank you. You make a really good point. The behaviour and patterns extends to family and friends, I didn't actually realise it until after I managed to get away from my ex. I think, as with my ex, I automatically assumed that the problem was me. I'm sure I can be a pain in the bum and that I'm far from perfect but I'm so soft and weak that people tend to use me as an emotional punchbag. I work in Complaints so I even get it at work :rotfl: but it's different when you're paid to take it...

I've tried counselling before, but it was a terrible experience, and the counsellor told me that I should come back when I feel worse. That embarrassed me and I walked out. Probably just a bad counsellor but it really put me off.

I think maybe if I hadn't had the experiences I've had, I would be able to cope, instead of turning into a weeping hysterical mess. But I react so intensely that it's just impossible.

I will look up that book you mentioned, I've started reading "Sane New World" by Ruby Wax and I've got a couple of others, so I can add it to my wee self help sessions (mostly involving a bubble bath, cup of tea, and a self help book).

carefullycautious

Read this

http://www.glynissherwood.com/blog/12-steps-to-breaking-free-from-being-the-family-scapegoat

Hope this gives some understanding.