Struggling with Family/Family Wedding/Life

ava_adore

Pyxis wrote: »

Have you spoken to your mother about this, and given your side, or did she just send you a message cancelling?


This may not apply to you, but can I just say that after years of hypocrisy and abuse (verbal etc) from family, there came a time one day when I thought to myself that if these people were not actually family, but just people I knew, acquaintances or even friends who had turned sour, would I actually want anything to do with them? The answer was a resounding NO!

So then I thought, well, if I don't like them, if I hate the way they've treated me and the things they've done, why would I want to continue associating with them? All this emphasis on 'family' and blood being thicker than water is a sham when the dynamics are appalling. I decided that I wouldn't tolerate them being in my life if they weren't family, so I would no longer tolerate them just because they were.

It was very liberating. I allowed myself the peace of dissociating myself from them. I no longer have to put up with their sniping and snarling, the tantrums and the hypocrisy, the criticisms and the endless dragging up of the past.

Yes, it is sad that I have no family, no support network etc. but I am no longer being ground down by them.

And yes, the chances are that they are all jealous of you. You may find that hard to believe, but it sounds like you are a bit of a rebel, the one that 'broke free' of certain constraints, and this is what they are jealous of, not material things etc.

Now, things may not be bad enough for you to want to break ties. Just know that you are allowed to do so, if you so wish. Forget the cultural taboo about cutting 'family' off, and use the criterion of 'would I tolerate being treated like this from these people if they were not family? If the answer is 'no!', feel free to break those ties that bind.

She called me ready to have a rage at me, but give her her dues, she actually listened when I explained what happened. She was quite surprised by how much things were going to cost, and when I explained it was just one thing I wanted to cancel, she saw it from my side more clearly. Unfortunately because my sister upset her by calling her about it while she was on holiday, she just doesn't want anything to do with it, but told me that she would speak to my sister and that there was no point in us all having a meal.

I don't think the family dynamics are great, I feel very torn about how much I want to do with them, because I really do love them all. My mum's a great cook, my dad's a wonderful musician, my sister is incredibly funny. There's so much to love about them but I feel like I'm the emotional punchbag for mum and my sister. My dad doesn't get involved, he's always kind and entertaining, but we're really not close at all.

I think seeing a counsellor will be a good step, as it will help me figure it all out, because my head is so clouded with years of questionable conduct by mum and my sister. I can't quite figure out if I've been to blame this whole time or if they are, or if we all are. I just know I can't continue living like this.

Thanks for sharing your own experience, I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

Pyxis

Well, if you can say that you love them all, then there's no way you can cut them off! So maybe something can be salvaged from this.

Get the wedding over and done with. A dignified presence from now on! The last thing you need is them saying you 'ruined' your cousin's wedding! So grit teeth, smile sweetly and get the job done! Then see how things pan out.

Best of luck!

ava_adore

Pyxis wrote: »

Well, if you can say that you love them all, then there's no way you can cut them off! So maybe something can be salvaged from this.

Get the wedding over and done with. A dignified presence from now on! The last thing you need is them saying you 'ruined' your cousin's wedding! So grit teeth, smile sweetly and get the job done! Then see how things pan out.

Best of luck!

I think I need boundaries at least. I don't know if I could cut them out completely, but I'm also not sure what's guilt from how they've treated me, and what's real.

I do know I wouldn't treat other people how they treat me, and that I wouldn't take it from a non family member.

Counselling then dignified wedding presence is the way to go. I'll try it, see how it goes, but yeah... boundaries needed.

FBaby

Thank you for playing devil's advocate - I appreciate it - as it does make me think and I do understand better. Even if I'm a bit defensive about it.

I don't think you are defensive, you are explaining your position. The reason why I tend to take that approach is because from my own experience, in almost all cases of disagreements with close family members/friends/partner, making me feel victimised, it results from a misunderstanding. They too feel just as bad as I do.

It is natural when you get hurt to assume that the person hurting is doing so out of selfishness/spite/arrogance etc... In some cases, it is the case, but I think that when you know someone well enough to know that they are not nasty people naturally, the chance when things get heated up is that it is due to misunderstanding the other person's intention or not knowing all the circumstances are much higher.

I have found that it is normal instinct in this situation to focus on oneself and expect the other to make the fist move/apologise, leading to a what would often be a simple explanation becoming an on-going issue.

In your first post, you talk warmly about your cousin and sister. You are investing a lot of money and energy to be there on her big day and it sounds like you are really looking forward to it, so it would seem to be such a pity to ruin all this over something that you are likely to laugh about at some point.

Pick up the phone, apologise, explained that you didn't think you were causing her trouble by cancelling as she suggested you did, and say what you are telling us, that sometimes you are too willing to agree to please people and then end up in a pickle but that you are going to work on this. Say that you really want to be there for her and ask how you can help.

Hopefully she will apologise too, so will your sister and your mum will be ok spending a special day with the two daugthers she loves and haven't seen for a few days.

KxMx

Weddings can be quite divisive and really change people!

I know a lovely young couple who just got married, and was shocked when they asked for money instead of gifts, to go towards their "first house fund".

They already live in a property that he inherited 50% of (the other half to his mother) and both earn really top wages. One doesn't even have to commute as she works around the corner from said house.

I have spoken to mutual friends and no-one even knew they were going to move, and others have the same opinion of it as I do. Not a very high one!

duchy

KxMx wrote: »

Weddings can be quite divisive and really change people!

I know a lovely young couple who just got married, and was shocked when they asked for money instead of gifts, to go towards their "first house fund".

They already live in a property that he inherited 50% of (the other half to his mother) and both earn really top wages. One doesn't even have to commute as she works around the corner from said house.

I have spoken to mutual friends and no-one even knew they were going to move, and others have the same opinion of it as I do. Not a very high one!

Not sure I'd want to live with my mother in law or why wanting their own home rather than half owning a house makes them less in any way. Still I suppose it gives the gossips something to mither about. Not that it is any of their business.

KxMx

duchy wrote: »

Not sure I'd want to live with my mother in law or why wanting their own home rather than half owning a house makes them less in any way. Still I suppose it gives the gossips something to mither about. Not that it is any of their business.

The mother in law doesn't live there.

I didn't say it was any of my business fyi but I am allowed an opinion whether it's viewed as right or wrong

ava_adore

KxMx wrote: »

Weddings can be quite divisive and really change people!

I know a lovely young couple who just got married, and was shocked when they asked for money instead of gifts, to go towards their "first house fund".

They already live in a property that he inherited 50% of (the other half to his mother) and both earn really top wages. One doesn't even have to commute as she works around the corner from said house.

I have spoken to mutual friends and no-one even knew they were going to move, and others have the same opinion of it as I do. Not a very high one!

I think giving money kind of takes away the personal aspect of giving a gift... and what a shame for those who are less well off... it would be so awkward to only be able to give a small amount of money instead of a lovely gift with some thought in it.

slightlyconfused1

Hi OP

I wonder if the reason your cousin complained to your sister was that she hoped your sister would step in and pay for it? You said your sister was quite well off, it may have seemed like the perfect solution to your cousin but it has totally backfired.

I hope you enjoy your birthday.

Marshmallow82

Hair and make-up should be paid for by the bride!