Struggling with Family/Family Wedding/Life

ava_adore

Hello

Firstly I'm sorry for having a moan. I've just had a really horrible day and I really need to let off steam. If I come back later and find I've been petty, I can always edit out my post.

To set the scene, I'm a very introverted person, and I struggle to get along with most people. I do great over the internet, as I express myself better through writing, it's easier to be myself on places like this forum. I'm 32, I turn 33 on Sunday, and I've had long term problems with PTSD and Anxiety which were caused by a mentally abusive relationship that I was in for five years, and which took another five years for me to start recovering from.

My cousin is getting married in September. We get on really well, and up to now I thought the wedding was bringing us closer, as my older sister (36) and I are two of the bridesmaids. I'm having big money problems because I am in terrible debt due to having a problem with alcohol after the abusive relationship broke up, and I'm still paying the price (literally) now. Being a bridesmaid was always going to be expensive, but I decided it was worth it, because I love my cousin, because I doubt I will ever get married myself and have always wanted to see what the journey of a wedding is like and who better to do it with than with someone who is like a sister to me. My older sister didn't have a traditional wedding either time she married, so I've never seen what it's like.

My older sister and cousin are also close, and I feel somewhat left out of things, and I'm really struggling with things as the day grows closer.

Firstly, they tried to bully me into getting a bridesmaid's dress that was a size too big for me. My sister was going to buy all the dresses in bulk to get a discount, but I refused to get the size they claimed I was, and my sister refused to get the dress in my right size and said I'd ruin things if it didn't fit. I bought my own dress, in the right size, and lo and behold it fit.

Now, my cousin has been calling my sister in tears, saying that I'm stressing her out because I asked to cancel the hair and makeup trial. The reason that I cancelled the hair and makeup trial is because my cousin emailed me with prices of everything that had been booked, and she said that if I wanted to cancel the hair and makeup trial that it would be ok, that I could just get mine done on the day. Bearing in mind that the trial is £70, and the hair and makeup on the day is £100, I decided to cancel the trial and save the money for the big day's hair and makeup.

Everything else i.e. the hotel, hair and make up on the day, secret presents for the bride, shoes, shrug are all accounted for over the next couple of months.

It feels like my cousin is acting one way with me and then acting another way completely with my sister. I had to try and talk it out with my cousin and then explain to my sister, who was just short of abusive, and she said that I'm ruining my cousin's wedding etc etc.

What the two of them fail to understand is that I live alone, I've only just been given a pay rise that will allow me to live more comfortably, and that I have nobody else to help pay for day to day living. I've been spending more than I have every month, having to sell things, it's been such a tough few years and they don't seem to care. I can't tell my sister the extent of what life has been like but my cousin knows, and she told my sister that I told her I was having problems with my council tax to make her feel bad. That wasn't the case. I was trying to be honest.

My sister and her second husband run a very successful business and have a big house, four cars, two horses, four pedigree cats and have two foreign holidays a year. I am slogging my way to a decent career, with no money, a small rental flat and a rescue centre cat (who I wouldn't exchange for the most priceless cat in the world) and I've not had a holiday since I was a kid. My cousin has been in debt, which is why I told her about mine, but she's now getting married to a man who comes from a very well off family. They don't know what it's like to live from pay day to pay day. I'm trying so hard and I just feel like they're ganging up on me and at my age, that shouldn't be happening.

I feel so disconnected from my family in general. My Mum and I are starting to get on better, but she hates that I have tattoos, and I've recently had another one done which she's going to hate and which my cousin inadvertently told her about. Mum has always had depression and she said some ugly things to me over the years. My Dad's always been quite quiet, fairly passive, but has tried to mediate between me and Mum when he could. My sister has always been the slim, beautiful, popular one. I don't begrudge her any of it, I just wish that her and the rest of my family would treat me like I matter. I don't expect them to agree with all my life choices but I sometimes feel like I'm nothing but a burden to them.

I'm so lonely. I have very few friends. The ones I do have are amazing, which is a plus point, and the people that I work with are fantastic people and make me feel like I'm part of things. I've not had a boyfriend since the abusive ex five years ago and I'm scared I'll never meet anyone again. I'm scared I'll never have children, I'm starting to get past it, and I'm scared that my family will never love me.

I feel like I spend my life looking for people's approval. That's how I ended up with the abusive ex. He was so adept at his task (or maybe my sister really just hates me) to the point that my sister took his side over mine because she and her first husbands were friends with him. My ex was an amphetamine addict, a punk on speed, and he beat my self confidence (already dwindling) into a pulp. He used to say such ugly things. He cheated on me with his dead best friend's daughter (22 at the time) that he had known since she was 5, got her pregnant, made her abort the baby and told her it was my fault. She told people it was my fault too.

I'm so sorry, I'm rambling on like a fool, but I'm just so sad and so lonely and I just needed to get this out of my system. I haven't got much strength to deal with anything and this has just knocked the wind out of my sails.

It's my birthday lunch on Sunday and I'm thinking of asking Mum to cancel it because I can't face my sister. That's if she turns up. First thing she does if anyone disagrees with her is take away the kids. I've got two beautiful nieces and a handsome nephew, and at the worst of times, it's been down to their existence that I haven't tried to take my own life. She once stopped me seeing them for six months because we had a disagreement over a back problem I was diagnosed with.

I know I must take a portion of the blame, as I must be doing something wrong, but I'm so full of pain and frustration because I'm genuinely trying to get things right. I don't know how to cope with any of this, I just know it's making me ill having to take all the flak all the time, because it only ever seems to be my fault.

I'm so sorry for the rant. If you managed to read this far, thank you so much, I really appreciate your time.

iwannanicerlife

I don't really know what to say to help, but your post is so sad .... I wish I could give you a hug x

22cuddles

I can't offer much advice but I do know what it's like to struggle for money and how much strain it can put you under. Weddings preparations are (apparently) pretty stressful so perhaps your cousin is less tolerant than she would be normally. Things generally do get better with time, you just have to keep plodding on in the meantime. Good Luck.

ava_adore

Thanks both, just knowing someone has read and acknowledged helps, I appreciate you taking the time to respond. x

Worry_Wart

£170 for hair and make-up?! blimmin eck. What a waste of money. If it means that much to her why can't she pay? Stand your ground. It sounds like your older sister is a bully, and your cousin is so caught up in wedding world she can't see clearly.

ava_adore

Worry_Wart wrote: »

£170 for hair and make-up?! blimmin eck. What a waste of money. If it means that much to her why can't she pay? Stand your ground. It sounds like your older sister is a bully, and your cousin is so caught up in wedding world she can't see clearly.

That's what I thought. I could do it myself for FREE! If I had known how much it would cost I wouldn't have been so quick to agree, but I just wanted to make her happy.

My sister has always been that way. Her way or nothing. I used to try and fight back but now I just don't bother. I still get upset though, I hate conflict, and everybody fails to see how much I actually do care.

FBaby

You clearly have gone through a lot and need some loving care from your family. I expect the problem is that your cousin is quite stressed with arranging the wedding and anything that doesn't go to plan can feel a big deal. I am quite relaxed naturally and went into wedding planning full of confidence, but despite the fact all went well, I was very surprised how stressful it can be.

I am guessing that you cancelling on the trial had an impact on the day/overall cost/appointment time or whatever else that through out the planning of the day and that is why your cousin is annoyed. I assume your sister having gone through two weddings, even if not to the same extend understands better what impact it might have had on the cousin. How long before the day did you cancel?

You clearly want to be involve with the wedding preparation, so maybe you could see how you could possibly help that would make life easier for your cousin. Speak to your cousin and say you are sorry if the cancelling caused her any stress and ask her to tell you how you can help.

Hopefully it was just bad day for everyone and you can make up very soon. You seem to care about each other so don't let misunderstandings get in the way.

FBaby

but I just wanted to make her happy.

That's the problem, if you agree to something to make them happy and then take it back at the last minute, it leaves more resentment than if you'd said no in the first place, so make sure you don't say yes to things you want to say no to.

ava_adore

FBaby wrote: »

You clearly have gone through a lot and need some loving care from your family. I expect the problem is that your cousin is quite stressed with arranging the wedding and anything that doesn't go to plan can feel a big deal. I am quite relaxed naturally and went into wedding planning full of confidence, but despite the fact all went well, I was very surprised how stressful it can be.

I am guessing that you cancelling on the trial had an impact on the day/overall cost/appointment time or whatever else that through out the planning of the day and that is why your cousin is annoyed. I assume your sister having gone through two weddings, even if not to the same extend understands better what impact it might have had on the cousin. How long before the day did you cancel?

You clearly want to be involve with the wedding preparation, so maybe you could see how you could possibly help that would make life easier for your cousin. Speak to your cousin and say you are sorry if the cancelling caused her any stress and ask her to tell you how you can help.

Hopefully it was just bad day for everyone and you can make up very soon. You seem to care about each other so don't let misunderstandings get in the way.

I can completely understand where you're coming from, I know she'll be stressed, but I felt that it was unfair of her to offer me the chance of cancelling the trial 2.5 months before the wedding, then getting upset when I took her up on the offer.

I've already apologised to her, but I do feel that she shouldn't have given me the opportunity to cancel if she didn't really mean it. I take things at face value, and I thought I was doing the right thing by being honest. She specifically emailed me a breakdown of all the costs and said it was ok to cancel the trial, that was done without any prompting from me.

With hindsight I shouldn't have committed in the first place until I was sure, but she kept asking and asking, and I just said yes because I was starting to get stressed out about it and worried that I was letting her down by not giving her an answer. I didn't realise it would be so expensive until she gave me the costs afterwards.

sulphate

Your cousin sounds like a drama queen. In tears because you cancelled the hair and make up trial?!

Starrystarrynight

Sending a virtual hug, OP.

When I lived alone, and was on a lower wage, I often found people couldn't understand why I wasn't able to afford weekends away etc. It's not cheap to live alone, and there's no-one else's wage to keep you going!

When it comes to hen nights, weddings etc, people seem to lose all sense of perspective. Please don't take it to heart. You seem to be a kind & thoughtful person.