Struggling with Family/Family Wedding/Life

ska_lover

ava_adore wrote: »

My sister was going to buy all the dresses in bulk to get a discount, but I refused to get the size they claimed I was, and my sister refused to get the dress in my right size and said I'd ruin things if it didn't fit. I bought my own dress, in the right size, and lo and behold it fit.

Bearing in mind that the trial is £70, and the hair and makeup on the day is £100,

Everything else i.e. the hotel, hair and make up on the day, secret presents for the bride, shoes, shrug are all accounted for over the next couple of months.

You could withdraw from being a bridesmaid

I have never heard of a wedding where the bridal party pay for their own outfits. I have heard of a few where emotions run high though..but that's another story

When we got married, we covered all costs for our 2 bridesmaids, dresses, bags, hair accesories, shoes, travel. I didn't force the other ladies into any one particular dress, we had an afternoons shopping the three of us, where I requested a certain colour - and they pretty much chose their own, which was in keeping with my wedding dress they had already seen - I wouldn't have wanted them to wear dresses that made them feel uncomfortable

One thing I have seen is people quite literally choosing ugly bridesmaid dresses. I dont know why, but a couple of weddings I have attended, the bridesmaids dresses have been ugly monstrosities, and I can only think that some brides do this to deliberately outshine the bridesmaids, or something

I was a bridesmaid a few years back, and had all expenses covered for me. I thought that was the norm

Just being a guest at a wedding is expense enough, what with travel costs, present and possibly accomodation

ava_adore

carefullycautious wrote: »

Read this

http://www.glynissherwood.com/blog/12-steps-to-breaking-free-from-being-the-family-scapegoat

Hope this gives some understanding.

I can't thank you enough for this. I'm going to look at a private counselling session if I can find someone that will see me as a one off, as a starting point.

That article is pretty much everything I've been thinking and feeling but have been too scared to admit.

ava_adore

ska_lover wrote: »

You could withdraw from being a bridesmaid

I have never heard of a wedding where the bridal party pay for their own outfits. I have heard of a few where emotions run high though..but that's another story

When we got married, we covered all costs for our 2 bridesmaids, dresses, bags, hair accesories, shoes, travel. I was a bridesmaid a few years back, and had all expenses covered for me. I thought that was the norm

Just being a guest at a wedding is expense enough, what with travel costs, present and possibly accomodation

I had thought about withdrawing, but at this stage, I think that it would make things even worse. I'm feeling like it'd be better just to quietly accept the role, do it to the best of my ability, then never be a bridesmaid ever again!

From what I've heard, it's not usual for the bridesmaid to cover the cost, but at the same time I was given the option of saying no at the start... and I chose to say yes as I wanted to support her on her big day.

It's costing me about £500 in total for everything, not including the make up trial, and up to a month ago, that would be half a month's wages for me.

carefullycautious

ava_adore wrote: »

I can't thank you enough for this. I'm going to look at a private counselling session if I can find someone that will see me as a one off, as a starting point.

That article is pretty much everything I've been thinking and feeling but have been too scared to admit.

Your welcome

Heffi1

I think I would be inclined to reply to your cousins email where she says that you can cancel the hair trial and copy in your sister and your mother and ask the question of all three of them, where they think you might have caused the upset and clearly from the email you can see (all three of you) that you said I could withdraw if I wanted to. I did withdraw and now look what the three of you have come up with.

HOW IS THIS MY FAULT.


Change your attitude to what is done to you and others will change how they treat you.

I firmly believe in saying STOP I am not accepting this behaviour anymore from you, and then walk away while they think about it.

It takes practice, try saying it to the mirror, until you feel confident to say it to them people who treat you unfairly.

Believe me there will be a few shocked faces and no doubt a bit of talking going on, but once they realise you are no longer the doormat on which they can wipe their feet, they will stop doing it.

Be brave.

ava_adore

Heffi1 wrote: »

I think I would be inclined to reply to your cousins email where she says that you can cancel the hair trial and copy in your sister and your mother and ask the question of all three of them, where they think you might have caused the upset and clearly from the email you can see (all three of you) that you said I could withdraw if I wanted to. I did withdraw and now look what the three of you have come up with.

HOW IS THIS MY FAULT.


Change your attitude to what is done to you and others will change how they treat you.

I firmly believe in saying STOP I am not accepting this behaviour anymore from you, and then walk away while they think about it.

It takes practice, try saying it to the mirror, until you feel confident to say it to them people who treat you unfairly.

Believe me there will be a few shocked faces and no doubt a bit of talking going on, but once they realise you are no longer the doormat on which they can wipe their feet, they will stop doing it.

Be brave.

D'you know I will need to have a look through my inbox (it's on my work email) and see if I've got the emails archived. They may or may not accept what I'm saying, but it would certainly give me some proof to show them.

Heffi1

Even if they don't believe you, you will have shown them what was written by your cousin which is what started this off in the first place.

Believe in yourself and don't let other people make you feel bad especially when they are the ones to have caused all this fuss in the first place.

Wedding nerves are something that need to be controlled, and the one to do the controlling is the bride-to-be. It is not acceptable to treat someone else badly because she is a bit stressed.

Yorkie1

ava_adore wrote: »

I can't thank you enough for this. I'm going to look at a private counselling session if I can find someone that will see me as a one off, as a starting point.

I think you'll find that most counsellors will have an initial consultation to explore what they can offer you and for you to see how you feel about them.

Also see https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome which is designed for people with depression but of use to people with other mental health struggles. And it's free.

ava_adore wrote: »

D'you know I will need to have a look through my inbox (it's on my work email) and see if I've got the emails archived. They may or may not accept what I'm saying, but it would certainly give me some proof to show them.

Depending on the email software you use, it may also be in deleted items folder or the folder where your deleted items go once deleted from the deleted items folder (if that makes any sense at all!).

I hope that you enjoy your birthday anyway

ava_adore

Thanks both. I've emailed a local counsellor recommended by a friend, to see if she will be able to offer a consultation, and also find out how much it costs.

In the meantime I'll check out moodgym and see what it's all about.

Mum's said that her and Dad will try and come to see me on the day, so hopefully they can, even if it's not a meal I'd still like to see them. Just sad I won't see my nieces and nephew. Mum and Dad will be taking them on holiday so I said to give them a massive hug from me.

Pyxis

Have you spoken to your mother about this, and given your side, or did she just send you a message cancelling?


This may not apply to you, but can I just say that after years of hypocrisy and abuse (verbal etc) from family, there came a time one day when I thought to myself that if these people were not actually family, but just people I knew, acquaintances or even friends who had turned sour, would I actually want anything to do with them? The answer was a resounding NO!

So then I thought, well, if I don't like them, if I hate the way they've treated me and the things they've done, why would I want to continue associating with them? All this emphasis on 'family' and blood being thicker than water is a sham when the dynamics are appalling. I decided that I wouldn't tolerate them being in my life if they weren't family, so I would no longer tolerate them just because they were.

It was very liberating. I allowed myself the peace of dissociating myself from them. I no longer have to put up with their sniping and snarling, the tantrums and the hypocrisy, the criticisms and the endless dragging up of the past.

Yes, it is sad that I have no family, no support network etc. but I am no longer being ground down by them.

And yes, the chances are that they are all jealous of you. You may find that hard to believe, but it sounds like you are a bit of a rebel, the one that 'broke free' of certain constraints, and this is what they are jealous of, not material things etc.

Now, things may not be bad enough for you to want to break ties. Just know that you are allowed to do so, if you so wish. Forget the cultural taboo about cutting 'family' off, and use the criterion of 'would I tolerate being treated like this from these people if they were not family? If the answer is 'no!', feel free to break those ties that bind.