Taking almost-4-year-old to a funeral/cremation?

arbrighton

I certainly wasn't taken to my grandad's funeral in my first term at primary and we'd been very close as he lived round the corner and helped mum care for us sometimes. I don't think I really understood what had happened at the time, although i remember being upstairs and hearing the knock at the door when the Reverend came to see my mum and dad about his death.

I didn't go to the funeral of my grandma either- I was about 7, but she had Alzheimers and hadn't really known her. I think we were left at home with dad while mum went (her mother).

First funeral I attended was that of my great aunt when I was 13 and a couple of teachers during secondary school.

If she is at an age where other people's emotions are upsetting her, the funeral will not be good for her, and I really don't think I'd have understood what it was about at my grandad's funeral.

Threebabes

If you want to take her, take her. If you think she can sit and behave herself.

If not, just miss and meet at the wake with your daughter.

notanewuser

Threebabes wrote: »

If you want to take her, take her. If you think she can sit and behave herself.

If not, just miss and meet at the wake with your daughter.

At no point have I said I want to take her.

I also wouldn't (couldn't) expect that she would "sit still and behave herself" with her 5 younger cousins there (not to mention that she's 3).

GwylimT

I would and have taken my children to funerals, parents shouldn't make death a scary mystery to children, it's a fact of life and children need to be part of death and the grieving process.

notanewuser

GwylimT wrote: »

I would and have taken my children to funerals, parents shouldn't make death a scary mystery to children, it's a fact of life and children need to be part of death and the grieving process.

I've no issue with her knowing what death is. She has no relationship with the person that has died, so it is pretty meaningless trying to explain that we won't be seeing her again, because DD has barely seen her anyway.

I think the concept of somebody being in a box and getting buried/burned is pretty scary for a 3 year old. Seeing it ven more so. Explaining that its daddy's granny might make her scared that one of her grannies will die.

On top of that I am assuming that the church congregation won't appreciate 6 3-and-unders behaving like children.

I don't find death a profound concept. I don't say that someone has been "lost", especially not when said person had lived life to the full for more than 8 decades.

moomoomama27

I took my 5 year old to my Grandmothers funeral, she was like a mum to me, and my DD was very close to her, as was my older daughter who had just turned 10. I left my 3 year old with a sitter because I couldn't guarantee he wouldn't run about and be a bit of a pain, although I'm sure nobody would have minded!

I had friends on standby should it gave been too much for the girls, but it was a lovely service and the vicar was excellent, it was upsetting, but my grandmother would have been cross if it had been wailing and tears, so we involved the children by sending up a message to nanny on the balloons my aunt had ready, and actually now I think they coloured a picture through the service to attach afterwards. My Grandmother would have loved it!

It's a personal choice, but I have always thought that children shouldn't be necessarily shielded from death, and I think it's important they know it's fine to be sad and cry and to be able to express that openly with the people that love them.

notanewuser

We both got a bit years last night trying to tell DD, and we were careful to stress that its okay to be sad and cry.

Person_one

notanewuser wrote: »

I don't find death a profound concept.

You might not, as an adult, but to a child learning and realising that one day they won't exist anymore, and the implications of that? It certainly is!

moomoomama27

:j

Person_one wrote: »

You might not, as an adult, but to a child learning and realising that one day they won't exist anymore, and the implications of that? It certainly is!

I don't agree, if they are young enough they just seem to accept it, yes it's upsetting but you can explain it in a way that is gentle and children understand.

Unfortunately my children did need to be exposed to lthe fact that people die when they were very young, not going into details, but it was unavoidable. I can honestly say now they are much older they are very accepting of it all, and have a very mature and sensible outlook on it.

Person_one

moomoomama27 wrote: »

:j

I don't agree, if they are young enough they just seem to accept it, yes it's upsetting but you can explain it in a way that is gentle and children understand.

Don't agree with what? I'm not suggesting that the OP's daughter will be deep in thought about the nature of existence at the age of 3!